The Latest in Anti-Masturbation Technology for Children

September 6, 2014 30

It has come to our attention that some of the lesser of our followers are a tad squeamish using the Anti-Masturbation Cross® on their children. While Brother Lonnie and God will deal with you eventually, in the meantime the Faithscientists at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faithfacts (B.L.U.F.F.)  have come up with a more “humane” manner to curb a child’s masturbatory urges.  We call it The Rodger® in honor of Brother Lonnie’s deceased brother who recently lost his personal battle to […]

Blue Whale Poulation Rebound As Sperm Whales Are Destroyed

September 6, 2014 3

The Oceans and Seas (SMNNN)

Tea-drinking Englishes say in a recent report by the Queen (or whoever rules the islands of Englishes), that the global population of Blue Whales has rebounded over the last 20 years as Sperm Whale extermination continues.

This young Blue Whale kitten will grow up in a hopefully better, Sperm Whale free ocean.

Whaling, long touted as barbarism, and a well-know source of cheap oil and ambergris, has been widely outlawed by the entire world. However, Japanesers from the […]

15 Year Old Caught Masturbating by Ducks, Instantly Punished by God

September 5, 2014 16

A 15 year old boy in Tucson, AZ had a rude but justified intrusion early in the morning of July 30th. As he sat at his $2,000 pornographic research device called “Macbook Pro” and stroked the unholy inverted cross, a swarm of ducks poured through his window and attacked him, causing severe damage to his right arm and pubis. He was quickly hospitalized, and the ducks were apprehended, but later released when God told the Sheriff it was his […]

You Can Fool Yourself But You Cannot Fool God: Masturbation is Self-Rape

August 31, 2014 11

Many of the masturhaters who troll this holy netsite have convinced themselves that masturbation is “hip” and “cool”.  Tell me, is burning in Hell for eternity “hip” and “cool”?  The faithfact is that masturbation is a form of self-rape.  Not so “cool” now, is it?  STOP Masturbation NOW and become saved!  Praise!

 

God bless some of you!

 

-Lonnie Childs

Merriam-Webster Adds Anti-Masturbation Word to Their Dictionary : FAPSTINENCE

August 28, 2014 8

After months of lobbying, we here at STOP Masturbation NOW are proud to announce a major victory over the powerful forces of Big Masturbation and enemies of God-given morals everywhere!  Praise!  The good folks at Merriam-Webster have added the word “Fapstinence” to their dictionary, acknowledging all of the hard work our self-celibacy movement has achieved while striking a devastating blow to those who would lock their bedroom doors on Christ so that they can rape themselves.

 

God bless some of you!

-Lonnie […]

THE WOMAN WHO THINKS REDUCING THE MALE MASTURBATER POPULATION BY 90 PERCENT WILL SOLVE EVERYTHING

August 26, 2014 12

By TheRev Leroy Jenkins

The Femitheist is a 22-year-old criminology student with a three-year-old. One angry day in 2012 she took to the Internet to outline the brutal concept of International Mastubater Castration Day. After posting it on YouTube she stepped out for a coffee. Returning home a few hours later, she found that all gnashing masturbater hell had broken loose.

Her argument was that only through the reduction of the masturbater population to between 1 and 10 percent of their […]

Masturbation Triggered Japasian Landslides

August 25, 2014 26

HIROSHIMA, Japasia – The devastating landslides that rocked Japasia and caused numerous deaths and billions of yen worth of property damage were determined to have been triggered by massive and furious masturbation, according to scientists working for the Foundation For a Better Tomorrow.

Although the communist government does not officially recognize private property in Japasia, a quick examination of the disaster area is enough to make estimates.

The unstable ground of Japasia’s Pacific RIm Island, along with the erosion caused by streams […]

3 American Patriots Shamed For Denouncing Self-Rape

August 21, 2014 7

I’m sure we’re all aware of how Great American patriots like Todd Akin consistently get shamed by the media for their unconventional views on self-rape. Considering we’re now six years into the nightmare that has been the Obama Administration, such things, while not accepted, are unfortunately expected. However, over the years many Americans have stood up to the special interests in Washington and tried to make a difference. Todd Akin is just another in a long line of great men who […]

The Temptations of the Camel Toe

August 20, 2014 12

Indeed, the camel toe is Satan’s powerful weapon in his war to destroy your soul.

A camel toe is a slang used to describe the shape and appearance of certain female boxes. When a woman jams her lower torso into today’s tight modern shorts, pant suits and thin fabric panties, the pressure and pattern of skin and fat displacement of her juice box and surrounding terrain takes the shape of an actual hoof print from the humped animals of Sand Mexico.

The […]

Bionic “Glov” Masturbator in Development

August 12, 2014 12

SMN Labs-The newest threat from Big Masturbation is soon to become retail. A group of non-normal perverts in Tampa, FL have started “Glovin Life” to promote the sin delights females can acheive with a device named simply, ‘The Glov.”

Ladies with carpel tunnel pain can now experience dip-diddlings and pounding penetrations at the flick of the wrist. The device allows for a number of assorted phallic attachments to dampen the panties of the females under your family authority. One attachment is […]

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