Family Unknowingly Sleeps in Hotel with Remnants of Self-Rape in Drawer

November 23, 2016 3

TEXARKANA – Bad room service was the least of the worries a family of four were forced to deal with after a semen stained rag was found stuffed into a Gideon’s Bible in the drawer of their room.

The Texarkana Times reports the parents had noticed a foul smell in their room at the Hotel Benavidez in Texarkana.

The family, whose name will not be revealed, returned from a functioning lunch when the maternal parent discovered a faint almond odor when entering […]

B.L.U.F.F. Male Masturbation Detection

November 21, 2016 12

SMN -My dear friends in Christ through the Lonaldian Way. As you are well aware, the fight against the sin of self rape is an ongoing process, one that is never finished. The holy bible, being the most important reference on the topic of morality, contains certain instructions and responsibilities that Christian parents are expected to abide by. The first and foremost of these responsibilities is to protect your precious children from sin.

The masculine parent is under just such an […]

A Young Girl’s Dilemma – Ask Cassidy

August 24, 2016 18

Dear, Cassidy.

I’m a 14 year-old girl attending Hickory Woods Middle School in Clydesdale, IL. There’s a creepy boy named Marty Swanson who wears baggy pants, a collar shirt, and has dirty beady eyes. He’s always slurping, wiping at his face, and making strange intestinal sounds in school. In my English class, he sits right behind me and his manners are becoming very irritating.

But that’s not why I’m writing to you for advice. Before we were supposed to line up for […]

Youth Caught Self Raping

June 23, 2016 64

When Dana Pridemore of Evanston, IL climbed the stairs of her family’s two-story suburban home to  retire for the evening, all she had on her mind was her Harper’s Magazine and a few segments of the Tonight Show before turning in.

She visited her daughter Sarah, who at the tender age of eleven, had never failed the SMN Finger Sniff. Tonight was no different. Sarah’s fingers were clean and fresh smelling. There were no signs of vaginal syrup or pungent odor to […]

Self-Rape Alert: Deadpool

March 14, 2016 12

SMN Safford, AZ-The tireless duty of Christian Parents to prevent and punish the vile sin of masturbation has become much harder (pardon the pun) since the opening of the box office smash, Deadpool in local theaters.

A disturbing parental alert has been issued by the Faith Advisory Parental Media Information and Liturgical Foundation (FAPMILF), the anti-masturbation in media arm of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts (B.L.U.F.F.).

“Overt and disgusting” Self Rape Content has been uncovered earning the film a FAPMILF color […]

Australian Man Marries Hand in Secret Ceremony

January 20, 2016 3

One’s own hand may, sadly to some, become known as a lonely man’s only friend, but one Australian has taken his self love to an entirely new level by marrying his cherished appendage.

According to the Down Under Times, Joe Grosser wed his hand, which he named, “Honey,” under a withered tree in the Queensland town of Wombatia. The groom donned a formal suit while the “bride” wore a decorative glove with an attached flowing veil-like string.

Grosser’s friends and family attended […]

Pope Francis Supports Lonnie Childs in His Mission to Cleanse the Earth

September 14, 2015 0

After many sit down meetings and hours on private phone conversations, it appears that none other than Pope Francis finally has accepted Lonnie Childs’s plan to eradicate the Earth of masturbation. Speaking to his millions… and millions of fans on Twitter, Pope Francis went on quite a rant about how terrible conditions are on Earth right now.

“Pope Francis just finally had enough,” explains Brother Dylan Stout of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts. “We got a direct call into the […]

Masturbation Warning: Dear Abby

July 29, 2015 19

Jeanne Phillips, who writes the “Dear Abby” column, has come out as a self-rapist and proponent of the Satanic lifestyle as pushed on society by agents of Big Masturbation.

In her latest column, Ms. Phillips comforted a despondent, guilt riddled masturbator, Her advice included the statement, “…masturbation is normal. It is not depraved, a crime, or harmful to your health.” Just look at the filthy advice she gives this poor lost soul in the illustration below. (I won’t even go into […]

BREAKING: Lonnie Childs Gets Masturbator Hulk Hogan Banished From WWE

July 24, 2015 6

STAMFORD, CT (SMN) — Word has spread quickly tonight that World Wrestling Entertainment has purged former “Superstar”, Terry “Hulk Hogan” Bollea from their entire website and have also removed him as a judge on their weekly reality show ‘Tough Enough’. That has been much speculation on what would cause the WWE to completely distance themselves from one of their previously most beloved employees. Some felt that perhaps Hogan had said derogatory things about non-normals, but B.L.U.F.F. media insider Brother Adolph […]

A Woman Has Come Forward Claiming Self-Rape at the Hands of Bill Cosby

July 7, 2015 8

Beloved comedian, actor, producer, philanthropist and all-around good guy; Bill Cosby, has been accused by a former actress of forcible Self-Rape.

Tamika Jones claims that during the 1980s, she compulsively tuned-in to PBS’s broadcast of “Picture Page” and would masturbate while America’s Male-Sweetheart would draw pictures and tell stories. Miss Jones claims that the music made by the marker used by Bill Cosby, along with Cosby’s own voice, created a hypnotic effect that forced her to masturbate.

This photo is […]

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