BREAKING: Lonnie Childs Gets Masturbator Hulk Hogan Banished From WWE

July 24, 2015 6

STAMFORD, CT (SMN) — Word has spread quickly tonight that World Wrestling Entertainment has purged former “Superstar”, Terry “Hulk Hogan” Bollea from their entire website and have also removed him as a judge on their weekly reality show ‘Tough Enough’. That has been much speculation on what would cause the WWE to completely distance themselves from one of their previously most beloved employees. Some felt that perhaps Hogan had said derogatory things about non-normals, but B.L.U.F.F. media insider Brother Adolph […]

A Woman Has Come Forward Claiming Self-Rape at the Hands of Bill Cosby

July 7, 2015 8

Beloved comedian, actor, producer, philanthropist and all-around good guy; Bill Cosby, has been accused by a former actress of forcible Self-Rape.

Tamika Jones claims that during the 1980s, she compulsively tuned-in to PBS’s broadcast of “Picture Page” and would masturbate while America’s Male-Sweetheart would draw pictures and tell stories. Miss Jones claims that the music made by the marker used by Bill Cosby, along with Cosby’s own voice, created a hypnotic effect that forced her to masturbate.

This photo is […]

New Zealand, the World’s Self Rape Hell

June 20, 2015 15

New Zealand is a volcanic mass in the middle of the sea lying east of the Island nation of Austria. It has been proven that the earthquake and natural disasters which formed New Zealand were the point from which devils burst through the earth in the demonic ascension, one of Satanism’s blackest unholy days.

The Holy Bible contains countless references to this event. Ezekiel 16.3 speaks of “great rumblings of darkness where no souls care to tread” and the book of […]

U.S. Justice Department Statistics are in. Topping the list of sexual assault in Federal Prisons…Masturbation!!!!

June 18, 2015 2


Every year, the Justice Department airs its dirty laundry about what criminals do while in their custody.  The top three forms of sexual assault in Federal Prisons Are:

Masturbation (self-rape)
Forcible Rape (mainstream-rape)
Food Rape (usually produce or ham)

Eating bad food, having to associate with minorities, and living with other perverts is usually enough of a scare-tactic to encourage most people to uphold the law. Unfortunately, the for-profit prison system casually sweeps the masturbation statistics under the “rug.”

If you or anyone you know […]

Should People Who Masturbate Be Allowed to Vote?

May 10, 2015 202

Confiscated from an early voting station.

What a country!  As God-appointed Americans, we live in a Christian land, founded on Christian morals by non-masturbating Christian heroes.  One of the great tenets of this fantastic nation in which we reside is the concept of a free democracy.  A government of the people, by the people, for the people.  One of our inalienable rights as a citizens is to partake in an electoral system, where we have the ability to vote on a choice between […]

Profile of Masturbation Music: Tool

April 25, 2015 20

Flock, I would like to bring to your attention the latest danger facing our precious youth: the masturbation band known as Tool.  Last week, while hosting my sister’s family at the compound campus in Safford, I noticed that my nineteen year-old nephew Jimmy was ignoring the Chick Tracts that I had handed out to him and his sisters.

Chick Tracts are a wonderful comic book series!

Instead of losing himself in the fine, moral storytelling of Jack Chick as his siblings were, Jimmy […]

Pioneers of Self-Celibacy: Ty Cobb

March 25, 2015 3

<STOP MASTURBATION NOW!> Born December 18, 1886 in Rural Georgia only one generation after the war between the states, Tyrus Raymond “Ty” Cobb became one of baseball’s greatest players and a pioneer in the struggle against masturbation.

Cobb is credited with setting over 90 baseball records with a hard nosed playing style. Single-handedly compelled to rid baseball of masturbation, he became affectionately known by his nickname, the “Georgia Peach.”

Ty’s father was fatally shot by his mother. Court records indicate that Mr. […]

MASTURBATION ALERT! Bert Strips Pose a Clear and Present Self-Rape Threat

March 23, 2015 6

B.L.U.F.F. (Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts) has raised the overall self rape level to Orange-Imminent Threat of Self-Rape detected.

The Facebook Rise of the Butthurt has published a series of “Bertstrips.” These crude cartoons pose an imminent threat of self rape!

The following is official information from the B.L.U.F.F. Self-Rape Emergency Broadcast System:

Self-rape activity has been detected and confirmed as a result of exposure to this facebook.

Please use caution. Place proper software locks on the facebook to prevent females, children, minorities, […]

Miracle: Lonnie’s Celestial Intervention Prevents Parishioner From Self-Raping!

February 12, 2015 8

A miracle has occurred this week, as Stop Masturbation Now founder and American Hero, Lonnie Childs, has intervened to save the immortal soul of a parishioner known simply as ‘Thomas’. ‘Thomas’ was asleep in bed when a miracle sent by Lonnie Childs awakened him in order to alert ‘Thomas’ to the fact that his hands had found their way beneath the covers. The ruining of ‘Thomas’s’ bed was a small price to pay for being spared from the most selfish […]

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