Autopsy Concludes that Dead Race Driver Self-Raped and Hemp Bonged Before Deadly Race

October 2, 2014 16

Twenty-year old Kevin Ward, Jr. self-raped and hemp bonged shortly before throwing himself in front of noted anti-masturbation, white Christian warrior and NASCAR racing sensation Tony Stewart according to the recently released autopsy.  Amateur footage suggests that the young driver was masturbating during the race when God fearing Christian white American hero Tony Stewart gently nudged his car into the wall as he had noticed erratic driving patterns suggesting self-rape was taking place inside Ward’s car placing the other drivers […]

Tipping a Waiter That Might be a Masturbator

September 30, 2014 25

Gratuity is a form of appreciation for good service that is only seen in civilized countries like America. A well-tended-to patron with good manners will leave an additional sum to reflect their appreciation for good service. This “tip” is usually between 15-30% of the total bill.

However, tipping a suspected masturbator is a completely different situation. You do not know if your waiter has included his seed in your meal and he probably does not wash his hands. In an extreme […]

Masturbation Left Me Deformed!

September 26, 2014 10


Today, normals of the faithful flock, I’m going to introduce you to Bryce*.  At first glance, Bryce seems Normal enough:  He’s a Caucasian male, early thirties, has a good job at a PR firm, follows the teachings of Christ, and always brakes for animals.  Looks can be deceiving, however.  Bryce is harboring a terrible secret:  Masturbation turned his genitalia the darkest shade of non-Normal.  When he found out I understood his pain, he agreed to let me interview him.  Below […]

Lonnie Childs Proudly Opens “The Tempura Center For Women.”

September 15, 2014 2

Safford, Arizona: Local philanthropist and leader of SMN Ministries, Lonnie Childs, has finished construction of The Tempura Center for Women.

SMN spokesman, August Weitz, spoke on behalf of Lonnie Childs when addressing the press today. “All too often, Masturbation takes the form of Rage and Violence, known to all of us as: MasturRage. This is similar to Roid-Rage, where too much free-roaming testosterone is present in the body, due to chronic masturbation.” Mr. Weitz went on to say, “Unfortunately, MasturRage adversely […]

The Latest in Anti-Masturbation Technology for Children

September 6, 2014 30

It has come to our attention that some of the lesser of our followers are a tad squeamish using the Anti-Masturbation Cross® on their children. While Brother Lonnie and God will deal with you eventually, in the meantime the Faithscientists at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faithfacts (B.L.U.F.F.)  have come up with a more “humane” manner to curb a child’s masturbatory urges.  We call it The Rodger® in honor of Brother Lonnie’s deceased brother who recently lost his personal battle to […]

Blue Whale Poulation Rebound As Sperm Whales Are Destroyed

September 6, 2014 3

The Oceans and Seas (SMNNN)

Tea-drinking Englishes say in a recent report by the Queen (or whoever rules the islands of Englishes), that the global population of Blue Whales has rebounded over the last 20 years as Sperm Whale extermination continues.

This young Blue Whale kitten will grow up in a hopefully better, Sperm Whale free ocean.

Whaling, long touted as barbarism, and a well-know source of cheap oil and ambergris, has been widely outlawed by the entire world. However, Japanesers from the […]

15 Year Old Caught Masturbating by Ducks, Instantly Punished by God

September 5, 2014 16

A 15 year old boy in Tucson, AZ had a rude but justified intrusion early in the morning of July 30th. As he sat at his $2,000 pornographic research device called “Macbook Pro” and stroked the unholy inverted cross, a swarm of ducks poured through his window and attacked him, causing severe damage to his right arm and pubis. He was quickly hospitalized, and the ducks were apprehended, but later released when God told the Sheriff it was his […]

McKayla is Not Impressed with Child Pornography

September 4, 2014 16

(StopMasturbationNow)—World-famous meme template and sometimes Olympic gymnast, McKayla Maroney, is not impressed. Not impressed at all. Pictures of McKayla were included among those leaked in 2014’s The Fappening.

Like all good Christian soldiers, she initially denied that the photos were of her (1 Thessalonians 5:22, King Lonald Version). McKayla clarified her statements and issued this press bulletin:


What’s he keeping that other hand free for?

“I am pursuing legal action to have these fake photos, which are not of me, removed from all websites […]

Jennifer Lawrence and “The Fappening”: Harlot Alert!

September 1, 2014 25

Seeking cheap internet fame, Hollywood harlot Jennifer Lawrence released several naked and nude photographs of herself and other celebrities in order to get online losers to masturbate themselves into a tizzy.  Friends, I urge you all to see these pictures for yourself in order to fully comprehend the dangers and immorality involved.  Please send all women and children out of the room before following this Not Safe For Women (NSFW) link.

These are trying times for our Godly movement, but fear […]

You Can Fool Yourself But You Cannot Fool God: Masturbation is Self-Rape

August 31, 2014 11

Many of the masturhaters who troll this holy netsite have convinced themselves that masturbation is “hip” and “cool”.  Tell me, is burning in Hell for eternity “hip” and “cool”?  The faithfact is that masturbation is a form of self-rape.  Not so “cool” now, is it?  STOP Masturbation NOW and become saved!  Praise!


God bless some of you!


-Lonnie Childs

1 2 3 4 5
%d bloggers like this: