Post Tagged with: "victims"

Ebola Mutation Transmitted via Masturbation

Ebola Mutation Transmitted via Masturbation

The Foundation For a Better Tomorrow in association with B.L.U.F.F. has confirmed that a new super strain of Ebola is passed to hosts through masturbation. The virus clings to the outer skin palettes and is launched airborne at the moment of masturbatory climactic release, becoming airborne and susceptible to transmission […]

by October 12, 2014 8 comments Science
Mother Milk, A Good Start For Your Child?

Mother Milk, A Good Start For Your Child?

We all know eating the wrong food has many unhealthy side effects, like heart disease and cancer.  But no one knew indulging the wrong foods also ensures one will surrender quickly to the sinful pleasures of masturbation. The earlier a child eats the wrong foods, the more harmful consequences in […]

by October 9, 2014 9 comments Family Values
Autopsy Concludes that Dead Race Driver Self-Raped and Hemp Bonged Before Deadly Race

Autopsy Concludes that Dead Race Driver Self-Raped and Hemp Bonged Before Deadly Race

Twenty-year old Kevin Ward, Jr. self-raped and hemp bonged shortly before throwing himself in front of noted anti-masturbation, white Christian warrior and NASCAR racing sensation Tony Stewart according to the recently released autopsy.  Amateur footage suggests that the young driver was masturbating during the race when God fearing Christian white […]

by October 2, 2014 16 comments Celebrity, Death, Morals, Sports
Is he, or isn't he?

Tipping a Waiter That Might be a Masturbator

Gratuity is a form of appreciation for good service that is only seen in civilized countries like America. A well-tended-to patron with good manners will leave an additional sum to reflect their appreciation for good service. This “tip” is usually between 15-30% of the total bill. However, tipping a suspected […]

by September 30, 2014 25 comments Etiquette
Masturbation Left Me Deformed!

Masturbation Left Me Deformed!

  Today, normals of the faithful flock, I’m going to introduce you to Bryce*.  At first glance, Bryce seems Normal enough:  He’s a Caucasian male, early thirties, has a good job at a PR firm, follows the teachings of Christ, and always brakes for animals.  Looks can be deceiving, however.  […]

Mayor of Safford and two local masturbation victims proudly open The Tempura Center

Lonnie Childs Proudly Opens “The Tempura Center For Women.”

Safford, Arizona: Local philanthropist and leader of SMN Ministries, Lonnie Childs, has finished construction of The Tempura Center for Women. SMN spokesman, August Weitz, spoke on behalf of Lonnie Childs when addressing the press today. “All too often, Masturbation takes the form of Rage and Violence, known to all of […]

by September 15, 2014 2 comments Lonnie Childs, Morals
The Latest in Anti-Masturbation Technology for Children

The Latest in Anti-Masturbation Technology for Children

It has come to our attention that some of the lesser of our followers are a tad squeamish using the Anti-Masturbation Cross® on their children. While Brother Lonnie and God will deal with you eventually, in the meantime the Faithscientists at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faithfacts (B.L.U.F.F.)  have come up […]

by September 6, 2014 30 comments Family Values
Blue whales are once more free to swim in the semen infested oceans of Earth.

Blue Whale Poulation Rebound As Sperm Whales Are Destroyed

The Oceans and Seas (SMNNN) Tea-drinking Englishes say in a recent report by the Queen (or whoever rules the islands of Englishes), that the global population of Blue Whales has rebounded over the last 20 years as Sperm Whale extermination continues. Whaling, long touted as barbarism, and a well-know source […]

by September 6, 2014 3 comments Animals, Foreigners, History, Science, World
The traumatized foul in question.

15 Year Old Caught Masturbating by Ducks, Instantly Punished by God

A 15 year old boy in Tucson, AZ had a rude but justified intrusion early in the morning of July 30th. As he sat at his $2,000 pornographic research device called “Macbook Pro” and stroked the unholy inverted cross, a swarm of ducks poured through his window and attacked him, […]

by September 5, 2014 16 comments Animals
McKayla is Not Impressed with Child Pornography

McKayla is Not Impressed with Child Pornography

(StopMasturbationNow)—World-famous meme template and sometimes Olympic gymnast, McKayla Maroney, is not impressed. Not impressed at all. Pictures of McKayla were included among those leaked in 2014’s The Fappening. Like all good Christian soldiers, she initially denied that the photos were of her (1 Thessalonians 5:22, King Lonald Version). McKayla clarified her […]

by September 4, 2014 16 comments Celebrity
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