The Real Goal of Masturbation

The goal of masturbation is to achieve climax alone by stimulating one’s genitals in a combination of one of the following self-rape methods:

1.) Fantasizing about another person or person(s) – In doing this you are mentally raping that person.  You have no right to be thinking those thoughts.  Even if you are married and your spouse has given you permission in the past does not mean that you still have permission, just as how one-time consent does not mean permanent consent in a physical relation.

2.) Looking at dirty Magazines – You are mentally raping the person that you are looking at.  Liberals might argue that person gave consent when doing the picture shoot, but you do not know that for sure.  The person may even be married now or have grown ugly.

3.) Watching dirty Movies – As with number one or two, you might as well be Ted Bundy, illegally having your way with the peoples you are exploiting for your own sickening gratification.

4.) The World Wideweb – The Internets are full of filth.  Computers should be for taxes, online Bible studies, or logging on to the STOP Masturbation NOW netsite.

5.) Past Experiences – Sure, that “three way” you had with the cheerleader and her sorority sister in college might have been a “good time”, however, recalling the sinful pleasure they presented you all night is the same as repeating that sin all over again.

Bonus Faithfact – Some females and gay males use foreign objects and dinguses when masturbating.  In doing so they are raping the raw materials of this world.

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423 Comments on The Real Goal of Masturbation

      • What about wet dreams? I once had a wet dream where I slept with Jessica Alba. I should have called her to apologise about mentally raping her...she must be so distraught. How can I live with myself

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          • Is it really G*d who's raping you, or a succubus sent by Satan? Because I don't feel so bad about being the victim of demonic rape. That's what I'd always blame it on when I was a teenager and my mom would guilt-trip me about the nasty mess she had to clean from my pyjamas and sheets. That story doesn't work as well when I piss the bed as an adult. My wife would always say it was because I drank too much beer before I passed out. Back when I had a wife, that is.

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        • I do it in front of a mirror. Is that ok? I'm not thinking about anybody else, there's no mental rape, I've consented, I am just not sure about marrying myself but if it's necessary I'll do it.

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      • You are all autistic
        I'm so fucking done lmfao
        I'm going to masterbate right now

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        • To all masturbators of this world.... including myself... You are doing a helthy deed to your body.orgasms help increase blood flow to the brain and other parts of the body helping the heart and are seen as a type of cardiovascular exercise, you're releasing endorphines and domoamine which is a feel-good hormone which also helps you reduce stress, and for females it strengthens your pelvic floor muscles which contribute to healthier and risk free child births.

          I see no sin here.

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    • Hooold up, so you're saying that roughly 90% of the worlds teens and adults are depraved? You bastard, I bet you're just jealous coz you're balls got chopped when you were a baby... Asshole. (90% is a guess BTW, but I'm pretty sure its right)

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    • I have never read anything so stupid in my life. The worldwideweb should be for taxes, online Bible studies and logging on to stopmasturbation.org? Pure comedy.

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      • O Lord, I pray Thee, please stop this misguided young man from becoming a Homofag chicken choker!

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      • Hahaha. I love how taxes got included.

        What if someone reads this and misses the satire and spends many years feeling guilty for discovering him or herself?

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    • I love rubbing on my clit and thinking about my boyfriend and he loves to watch. Tell me more of how I repulse you. When you're a soul and living inside a body it is natural to explore yourself and its more than fine to pleasure yourself also. There is no shame in masturbating. Its a way to free your soul and mind and really feel open and at one with who you are mentally and who you are sexually. Embrace it. Embrace your body.

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    • Wow this has got to be the dumbest shit I have ever read IN MY LIFE!!!! Really? Fantasizing is rape? Who's gonna know, for one. And two it's kind of consensual if you imagine it's consensual. Bible thumpers fucking make me laugh. So, quick question then. What about all the health benefits that masturbation is linked to? Like heart health, sex drive, prevention of erectile dysfunction, and mental health? So telling people to stop masturbating in a sense is telling them they need to die sooner? I know you religious freaks can't wait to jump in your graves, so you can meet "God" (by the way, who was an extraterrestrial who artificially inseminated a woman so somebody could teach us simple rules not these warped delusions that chauvinistic, man-pigs created because they felt guilty about their own desires) while the normal half of us enjoy our lives, and are living by those simple rules. This site is also pretty hypocritical considering I'm pretty sure all these religious nuts are feeling guilty about natural urges, and feelings, My point being, FUCK OFF, AND HAVE A TERRIBLE SEXLESS LIFE!!!!!!!!

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      • Gonna be honest here, if you honestly think that God was an alien who inseminated some random chick to lead the human race, you need therapy.

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      • "rape? Who's gonna know, for one. And two it's kind of consensual if you imagine it's consensual"

        How dare you say something so abhorrent!

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    • BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! No seriously though, overzealous, judgmental, religious people are the most depraved species ever!!!! They've caused more deaths of innocents than any other military in the world apart from the German Nazis!!!!! You know what I hope that you can let go of these 2000 year old forms of suppression, control, and fear and just live your lives.

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      • Not that I disagree with your sentiment at all, but if you're going to condemn the Nazi's as having killed more innocents than the entirety of organised religion through history you shouldn't forget the Japanese either, whose actions towards civilians before and during WW2 were at least as bad, and if you go by sheer numbers of innocents killed they were actually worse than the Nazi's.

        "It may be pointless to try to establish which World War Two Axis aggressor, Germany or Japan, was the more brutal to the peoples it victimised. The Germans killed six million Jews and 20 million Russians; the Japanese slaughtered as many as 30 million Filipinos, Malays, Vietnamese, Cambodians, Indonesians and Burmese, at least 23 million of them ethnic Chinese. Both nations looted the countries they conquered on a monumental scale, though Japan plundered more, over a longer period, than the Nazis. Both conquerors enslaved millions and exploited them as forced labourers – and, in the case of the Japanese, as prostitutes for front-line troops. If you were a Nazi prisoner of war from Britain, America, Australia, New Zealand or Canada (but not Russia) you faced a 4 per cent chance of not surviving the war; the death rate for Allied POWs held by the Japanese was nearly 30 per cent." Chalmers Johnson

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        • I'd debate whether the nazis and especially the japanese were not religious, with the nazis you have the society of thule and the mystical links to the (grossly romanticised and mis-interpreted) 'aryans' of indian religious legend, the blood worship etc. and the japanese believed their emperor was a living god and were happy to divebomb fighter planes into the ground for him so they were definitely pretty bloody religious and again the ideology of bushido could be compared to a religion, it has, at the very least, deep religious underpinnings.

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    • You are right, my goyim friend!
      We will stop masturbation!
      Donate shekels to the jews!
      Masturbation will cause a second holocaust!

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    • how are ppl who masturbate a whole seperate species...we r all humans...r all human species end of convo

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    • So basically, when I put a tampon in my bleeding vagina I'm raping it and should apologize. And when we take shits it's stimulating our assholes.
      And sometimes when you pee it feels good too.

      K bud. See you all in hell.

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    • HEllo, This is The DON. I just stumbled upon this site. I can say I have never seen a bunch of anal sniffing control freaks likes yous in me life. Yous people need put in orange jump suits with bulls eyes on the front and back. You need big red styrofoam helmets with targets on them too. Then theys needs to put yous in a C-5 Galaxy and fly real low over Iraq and throws yous sacks of garbage outs in to the Sunii Islamic rebels. Yous would be sent to yours GAWD in a fews seconds and the earth could drink your blood and hopefuly some kind of bacteria would grow. Yous the most worthless sacks of human garbage I have seen on the internet. Yous moma was beating me off till I read this trash. Whos are yous? I is The Don so nows we knows whos in charge around here. Yous got nothing better to do than try and gum up the two fisted cock master and his moment alone in the john? what is you? I would like to tear your bible up in little pieces, wipe my ass on it, jerk off on it, then stuff the pieces down your throat by pushing them through yous nose. What ever yous is yous a piece of low life flea shit. Whhahahaha yous gawd can come get a splash of me seamen when I pulls it out of his moma and finished the job with my right hand. While yous gasp I will pimp smack the taste oucha mouth with my left. Yous knows what I am saying? Nows get the fuck back under yous rock and die yous lower than flea shit disease. #moviestarweb The DON

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  1. What if I fantasize about myself masturbating? Then am I mentally raping myself? And... really... isn't that the whole point? I mean, assuming I climax, cause otherwise I suck at this whole thing, and don't get me STARTED on how much I suck.

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    • Yes, it's definitely sill rape, because you can't give consent to yourself. For some reason.

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    • No it's not rape my child, do as you wish, and remember no sin is worse than the rest, except killing i don't play with that shit. I'll kill you for killing, now remember that shit aight nigga? Now go beat your Dick like it owe you money my child

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      • That's disgusting, telling a child to go beat its own dick. Glad people believe white Jesus over you.

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          • Oh come on. the only Jesus I ever saw who even had brown eyes was that Mexican in "Passion of the Christ" and that's only because it was made by that jewish homogay Mel Gibson.
            so why don't you hush down with your baseless conspiracy theories.
            Jesus wasn't normal coloured, indeed! smh

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          • Well he did lie in Israel where the sun is hot and bright against you skin that usually tans it out a bit ;-;

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        • So middle easterners are white now? Tell that to your Jewish and Arab hating republican friends and see what happens. Racist fuck. You people make me ashamed to be white.

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          • ive noticed that you self hating normals seem to have appropriated the term "Whites" from your old oppressors.
            your so proud to be going around talking about white this white that, white on white crime, shouting about white power and all this nonsense. y'all just have this awful rage inside you, hating your own skin.
            why don't you just come to terms with the fact that your normal now and stop using the language of the ghetto?

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        • By the way, is that cum on your beard Faithgasming? If you're profile/comments are satire, well played my friend, but lay off the racism or I'll have my multi-racial gay friends mentally run a train on that pertty mouth of yours.

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          • So to say the least. You need some fuckin help. Welcome to the new ages. This witch is dancing with satan an spelling out your name. You racist, sexist bigot. We're queer, we're here an if ya don't like it to bad. Fyi the devices your using to keep people from masturbation can cause psychological damage. But then again im sure this psychosomatic symptoms, im sure goes way back in your family huh. An because you were raised that way you feel its the correct way. When in reality. Cpa should have xhecked up on you guys an maybe got you all into counseling

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          • Perhaps we should talk about what psychological damage you inherited from your family that led you to become the proud sex-lover of satan himself?
            All I want is a normal life with a normal job and pray at normal church that worships the normal everyday jesus. I ask you; what is so wrong with that?
            I pray you one day escape the clutches of the dark lord of evil himself and come on your knees to Lonnie.

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          • So your god can Butcher 70000 people because someone conducts a census, or wipe out whole populations in Canaan ordering "his" troops to knock down the front doors of thousands of homes to murder EVERY man woman child and infant but jerking off yeah that's a problem.

            Thanks for the satire. It's such a great way of pointing out stupid.

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          • Ms Hughes, im afraid that God cannot be held responsible for any census or war. Those things are all known as Acts of Man, not Acts of God.
            What is more they have all been acts of nasty ol' masturbator man.
            I do not think there has been a war started in the whole of world history that wasn't started by some masturbator or fought in the name of some variety of masturbation.
            My God never really did much except create us, then sit on a cloud, all loved up on us, and send Jesus and Lonnie Childs down unto us to guide us.
            Hes very loving, so no God does not hate... the reason for war and butchery is Man (the species not the superior gender) and his endless, persistent masturbations.
            and that means yours too, stoopid! 🙂
            all my prayers 😀

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          • I for one do frequent church masses. Not because of my undying devotion to Christianity, but rather because my beautiful girlfriend was raised in the religion and she feels it is right, so I go to support her. I'm not a liberal OR a conservative. My opinions vary and I look at every situation very stereotypically. With that being said, I must say that this article is 100% ridiculous for numerous reasons.

            I'm not going to reduce myself to calling anyone out, although let it be known I have read down the comment feed and have found myself disgusted to the point of making a comment. A lot of you are attempting to fight facts, which by definition is something that is known to be true and can be proved to be true, with illogical, irrelevant, and nonsensical ... Crap for a lack of a better word.

            You can not expect a man to simply quit masturbation or sex because the bible says it's wrong. From an agnostic or atheist standpoint, the choice is easy. Screw the bible. Health benefits exist to continue doing it, and it feels good so why not? For Christian or other religious men they have the option of what I just mentioned, OR they can choose to follow God and his teachings. That is a choice that every man has the right to make. Perhaps they are making the wrong choices in your opinion, but it's still theirs to make. As a follower of god, you who are judgmental and throwing nonsensical slurs around are no better, in fact are some may consider you worse. You are not only insulting others for being a different race from you, or being of a different religion or perspective on politics or life, but you are also pushing people away from believing in your religion due to your inconsistency and hypocracy. By presenting yourself in the way you do, and many other "religious" people do, you are only deterring people like me who are on the fence about religion. By being such horrible, racist, judgmental people, you are proving time and time again, "well why would I want to follow a god that makes me act like that?"

            All I'm saying is you are not displaying your religious beliefs in a way that is enticing to onlookers, or that is even enticing to God. I truly feel if God is real and reading this debate, you who are being judgmental in his name will be the first to be reprimanded for doing so, not those who choose to masturbate. I'm not arguing the fact that it is a sin in your eyes, I'm just pointing out the flaws in your behavior and perhaps explaining to you why you'll never sway anyone to believe what you believe, unless of course you are trying to sway the judgment of perhaps the KKK.

            I have been a victim to people like you, and I have been one of you. I've been the judgmental person that sits in a Catholic Church and complains and stares as people come in late or when a baby starts crying or when the masses come only for Easter and Christmas masses. I've also been the one who is discussed and shamed for having an arm around my girlfriend during mass and giving her a quick peck at the beginning and end of mass. Needless to say, I'm not a fan of being placed in either position. And yet, I'm still on the fence. Why? Because I figure believing in Christianity can't bring any harm on me, so why not? And yet people like you constantly push me back up on the fence, every time I attempt to dismount.

            Think about it.

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          • God gave instructions to kill woman child and beasts if needed in the war but he first said to accept the opponents if they surrender. I agree it is more bad to kill any one person than to give pleasure feelings to our own body, no matter if this self-pleasure may have bad or good consequences.

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        • It's better to rape a nun than to masturbate. The only person that should be touching you intimately is Jesus. Those that commit sins of the flesh shall reap their punishment in the fiery depths of hell. Waiting on jesus,

          preach.

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          • If JESUS TOUCH A MALE intimately, then THIS MIGHT BE GAY. Just saying things as they are. If you only mean to have our CONSIOUSNESS TOUCHED by Jesus, then this is completely good on any aspect. This is all theory as there is no undeniable proof that Jesus exists or not.

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  2. Erm...surely you guys aren't for real? In most of Europe when one is clearly severly retarded, one is committed to the care of another and not allowed access to the internet

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    • that would be a good way of bringing down self rape numbers, I agree. the internet is full of tittyporno and blasphemy. Well done Europe, your not all heathens after all. Praise.

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      • I started masturbating at "europe" gosh how i love European women best in the porn and my imagination. Think about it for a second, I'll try to create mental images as i go... you travel to Europe for the scenery then stop off in Italy for some wine tasting and cheese when you see the most spectacular pair of breast you have ever seen I mean some really nice DD sized tits luckily they don't wear bras and it's just so much better cause they are so perky and perfectly sculpted as if those titties came from heaven on a overnight delivery, that's not even the best part about her. She has a nice ample ass, the kind you can bounce a quarter off of and I mean literally bounce, and it's only cover by short shorts that are the perfect amount of tight, not so tight that it makes her as deformed but perfectly fitting at this time she ends up coming over leaning down those magnificent mammaries in your face your cock so hard that it's about to burst and she straddles you, leans in and shakes them in your face while dry humping you. After she gets up walks a few steps and says come on. Just picture thenext scenes... my hands are covered in sperm somehow

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        • Ah man, you are so right, their breasts are such juicy melons, just waiting to have a huge cock in between them. I imagine raping thousands of women a day, masturbating to the mere thought of it. I also fantasize about gay-raping Jesus, or perhaps him raping me, his godly cock entering my tight anus!

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  3. Yup, every thing here is true. And so much fun too *Wink Wink, Nudge Nudge, know what I mean 😉

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  4. so if I used a cucumber would that be classed as rape? in addition what if the cucumber enjoyed it or even consents to such use? it may be beneficial to the cucumber as there are many nutrients transferred in the process? I am so confused just trying to be a good Christian can I still eat cucumbers I am worried to shop now what happens if I pick up a perverted cumber ? will I end up in hell for eternity?

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  5. in addition if I eat a banana is it classed as oral? should I avoid bananas due to there un godly shape?

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  6. This is fucking pathetic.
    So your saying anything which touchs my genital area in a sexual way in raping raw materials right.....riiiight okay so your against the prevention of aids and teen pregnancy with a condom right cause thats touching my peepee aint it.Also how the fuck can you rape something which is not alive....fucking imbeciles.

    Ps.There is no god.

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    • well, your a liberal you've probably talked about how Christians are raping the planet. right? its like that. I am not against the prevention of teen pregnancy at all, but it is a well known fact that condoms have tiny holes in them, 5.8 microns thick, that they put in them to carry the AIDS. which is another great reason not to masturbate.

      Ps. yes there is or else where did you come from? smh

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      • I'd rather believe in a theory that can explain itself, rather than someone read me a bunch of pathetic stories that are inconceivable, please, continue believing in such rubbish, i can have a pester free Sunday morning while all of you are gazing up at someone who has denied himself the fruits of life, while he shares fiction fairy tales to help people get through the oppression they call your life.

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        • Exactly, to start, I am a Christian myself and do believe in this stuff. So, I have done some thinking about how life was started and really observably it could've been done without an omnipotent being (omnipotence is a paradox btw). The observable science of it is simply that if we analyzed the molecular formula of our DNA, RNA and all that good stuff, under the correct circumstances these molecules could've bonded together to form the first basic prokaryotes.

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      • Not going to lie, being liberal does not constitute and popularize the idea of "Christians are raping the planet". I do not believe in a god currently, however, this entire website is complete bullshit. It is actually scientifically proven that orgasming at least 150-200 times every 1-1.5 years, will help you have a longer lifespan, and additionally. There comes a point obviously where you need to stop and control yourself, but its still not a bad thing. If masturbation is a ticket to hell, then I just boarded my private bullet train there.

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        • well faith facts teach us that you masturbating 150-200 times a year is whats causing water spouts and super tornados. now planes are falling out of the sky all over.
          but I don't expect a liberal like you to have any sense of social responsibility and stop, so us decent folk have to do the work for you, as always.
          just stop touching it, ok? how hard is that?

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          • You wake up, alright, and you've got an obnoxious morning wood. You beat off to put him down, dispose of tissues, and put on coffee. The coffee requires electricity, which is likely produced by something being constantly burned. This is more carbon being released into the atmosphere. More crap in the air = more crap for super-cooled water vapor to condense to. Then, you get in your car, and go to work, thus putting even more carbon in the air. THAT is where the storms are coming from. Not your penis. Burn and worship the apocalypse like everyone else.

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          • alright. lets do the math here. Say you follow your morning routine but you don't masturbate and you boil your coffee over a wood burning stove, you have already reduced your carbon footprint by two whole thirds.
            that's more or less my life; so I calculate that by living a clean life i use one third the greenhouse gasses you do.
            now which one of us is more responsible for bringing that plane down on Malaysia, huh?

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      • actually, while it's true that some latex products contain holes that are roughly 5.8 microns in diameter, this is referring to latex GLOVES, not condoms,

        "The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) published a study in the July-August 1992 issue of "STD" which examined whether HIV-sized glass beads could be forced through latex condoms under stressful laboratory conditions. These conditions included higher concentrations of the "virus" (glass beads) than in semen, a fluid that doesn't stick together as much as semen, and forces that simulated 10 minutes of thrusting AFTER ejaculation. Most latex condoms leaked absolutely nothing. The worst condom found would still reduce exposure risk by 10,000-fold, i.e., only 1 HIV virus might "leak" through only 1 of every 90 condoms. Other tests have shown that under "normal" conditions, HIV does not pass through a latex condom that is not torn or broken."

        ps. from primates through evolution, and skeletal remains from our ancestors prove this

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  7. I think so as technically you are masturbating when using a condom so in theory you are rapeing rubber and masturbating 2 people at the same time dam your bound for eternity in damnation god created aids to manage the non believers if you truly believe in Jesus then he will save you

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  8. Yes, everybody. Hold it in. Save it all up for Jesus. He has extra holes after all....

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  9. This here, is abosoloute shit. You aren't MENTALY RAPING anybody/thing. Also, you can't rape a carrot. You don't need the carrot's consent. The carrot doesn't give a fuck. Go ahead and masturbate. No harm done. Maybe you should catch up on your sex-ed.

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    • Typical diatribe rantings of a masturbator. Make all the excuse's you want, the #FaithFacts speak volumes.

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      • The carrot was already dead, killed before you started eating it. If you are raping this carrot than whoever is farming these foodstuffs is also committing genocide.

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  10. I'm straight and I love introducing some foreign objects. Best part of wanking is shoving my Jesus action figure up my arse hole. Always makes me cum when I here him say repent sinner. :p

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  11. Still flabbergasted that this website exists.. Nothing wrong with masturbation, helps to get to know your own body. And never in my life have I heard someone labelling masturbation as self rape. Where in the bible can you read that it's forbidden?

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  12. Silicone isn't a raw material. And this website is hilarious. Raping myself right now. You should try it... Slip a hand down... Down lower... That's it, into your underwear... Now if you're male I want you to slowly stroke your cock... If you're a female, I want you to just slowly stroke a finger over your labia, and then tease your clit. Now both genders just keep rubbing until you're cumming... Oh fuck yeah...

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  13. HAHAHAHAHA SO DOES THIS MEAN FOR LIKING GUYS I GO TO HELL AS WELL? HOPE YOU DONT MIND ME EATING BANANAS AND ALMONDS FOR BREAKFAST. ARE THOSE SIN FRUITS DUE TO THEIR SHAPES? HAHAHHAHAHA IF YOU THINK I'M GONNA BURN FOR THIS YOU FORGET GOD'S GRACE AND YOU DISREGARD THAT EVEN FAITHFUL PEOPLE SLIP UP ON OCCASION YOU OBLIVIOUS BRATS

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  14. I'm a Christian but y'all are stupid. There is worse things than masturbation. And to say they might as well be ted Bundy is ignorent . may he who is with out sin cast the first stone. And as far as gays go i say if they want to be gay let them if you tell them god hates gays they are not going to want anything to do with god Jesus or the church because of stupid people like you. God never said he hates gays. He says homosexuality is an abomination but god hates sin not people. And every one sins everyone. No one is perfect. God says no sin is greater than an other so technically everyone of you that are running this stop masturbation site are in the same category as masturbaters. I don't judge people because I know I'm not perfect but it pisses me of when I see religious communitys judging people and useing fake facts to put people down and make themselves out to be holier than thou your not. Y'all mid quote the bible to meet talks own agenda and that is dangerous grounds y'all like to say sinners have to answer for there sins god will be judging y'all to and trust me y'all will not be getting the judgment y'all think I know the Bible well. So to the owner of this sight from a happily married Christian man screw y'all all those who don't get saved because they don't want to be apart of a religion y'all claims to be god will blame y'all for that and you will be punished the same.

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      • God isn't real. And IF he was real, he wouldn't be as stupid as to think something that's natural and healthy is "a sin". Your shitty "god" forgives all, remember? You're committing a sin as well. And it's sad that you would actually believe in something that a mindfucked person wrote. Masturbation is healthy, and something as simple as "whacking off" to someone/something isn't raping them at all. Whoever wrote this site is mentally messed up. And whoever wrote this: You're guilty of masturbation too, so stop being a hypocrite. You're the abomination.
        I guess people are too blind to realize that a book written nearly 2000 years ago = applying to today's world such as sexist "laws" put into the bible should apply to today as well, huh?

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  15. Dude this whole webpage is fucked up, doctors say its good for some one to masturbate for it relives alot of stress, in fact it will probly keep a child from being sexualy active till there ready if they can get pleasure from there self and realize they dont need some one els to give them it, also be glad masturbation dosnt lead to pregnacy like actual sex does.....point this whole website is a piece of crap that should be taken down, full of lies

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  16. Lol this site is fucking stupid. Its a natural human thing to masturbate. Its NOT rape in any form what so ever. Its unhealthy to not preform sexual acts. Wether its on yourself or others. The body releases chemicals when one orgasims. These chemicals become toxins to us if kept inside for too long. We NEED to release them in order to survive. It also helps with headaches stomach pains and neck cramping. There are many different health benefits to masturbation and sex. And if your "God" didnt inten for us to do so, then why did he create us so we could become physically ill if we dont do so. Sk heres a big FUCK YOU. To this website. Im gunna go lick my girlfriend wet pussy until she cums twice while i rub her nipples. And stick my moust toung in her vagina. While rubbing my own clit. Lettin her eat my vagina. Like the dirty little slut she is. feeling her hot wet tounge move my clit around slowly at first the harder and harder. While my titties bounce up and down. As she grabs them and twists my nipples ever so lightly. Until im shaking. And as she rubs her tounge all over my clit. And inside my hot wet pussy i start to cum. All over her face. And she'll lick it all up like the dirty little slut she is. Try not to get hard and touch yourself after that. You fuckers.

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    • Lesser sex masturbation is a form of female genital mutilation, Ms You. I don't get turned on by things like that, no matter how many long and complicated words you use to describe it. I hope you and this other poor girl manage to escape the awful situation you have got yourselves into and get help. praying at you now.

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    • Oh God, that was hot! OH shit wait...did I just? Yep I did!!

      Your words ring true and anyone else who believes otherwise are fooling themselves. I am 'raping' a vibrator right now while it sits pressed into my hungry, horny clit. Thinking about how much I love touching my own body and having my own pussy eaten and fucked.

      Do I think I will go to hell bible thumpers? No! because I don't believe in God or hell. Now excuse me while I go watch male gay porn and get my pussy off with foreign objects.

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  17. Your Website, is...nonsense.

    It's nonsense...even monkeys, donkeys and ALL animals on earth, which are supposed to be equal to men, masterbate. Your Padre in his church probably does the same thing, but he's thinking about childrens. You probably did, and even when kids are in their mother's womb, they do. Read studies.

    Just so you know, this website is FILTH and your post on '' The Nightly Finger Sniff '' is called straight '' Pedophilia ''.

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  18. Anyone who thinks masturbation is a sin, or perverted, is completely insane. Either that or has been doing it wrong. Loosen up ding dongs.

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    • Oy vey goyim, it is!
      You must stop masturbating and give the jews more shekels!
      Good goy!

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  19. The fact this site even exists is a blight on humanity. Obviously the people within it that support it are for things like. Teen pregnancy. Actual rape do to people not having a private release. As well as a number of woman killing there husbands for being away to long. To be completely honest the people that wrote and support this sight are Sick. The Believe in something specifically designed to tear down humanity. To control you and what makes you happy. God granted us with free will yes the church believes it is ok to take it away in his name. Christianity Is and always will be a stolen religion. Steeling parts of other religions in attempt to control the individual person through the belief of damnation. In the name of god it was gave the Catholics the self appointed permission to slaughter millions of innocent people for the simple fact they didn't believe. Christianity teaches one thing. That its not your fault. That there is a higher power of evil that makes us do the things we do. When in all actuality we do them because we enjoy them. Humanity is sick because people do not take responsibility for there own actions, instead they place it on a faith that is misguided and twisted to suite the hearts of humans that lack the ability to take responsibility for the disease they spread. Priests molesting small children or committing acts of sin. Religion dictating that a man can not love another man simply because they do not. The bible is the great contradiction. In my opinion those that fallow such practices that you preach should be dragged out in the street and shot. There children should be taken form you to spare them the cruel abuse you inflict on there minds. Not to mention the physical abuse you most likely put them through to make them believe this garbage. The maker of this site and the people who support it should be ashamed to even breath. And if your god does exist I'm sure he already has a special place in hell just for you.

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  20. Is this a joke? It's fucking hilarious. I started masturrbating when I was 8 years old and I'm a girl. Fuck you 😉

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  21. And people wonder what exactly is wrong with our society....lol right fuckin here.

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  22. I bought the anti cross.... and now I'm stuck.... with no pants on.... help...

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  23. Honestly, why the hell would anyone take anything like the shit that comes from here as something to do with faith? People masturbate, so what? They enjoy more pleasure than you. No reason to chastise them. So you don't like it? Poor you. Who fucking cares. Even heavy religious people masturbate. How is it SO fucking wrong to please yourself? Obviously no one else is, or are unable to at that current time. Why should some religious pricks have such a following over something so stupid? It's like that idiot priest who said a girl deserves to be raped for wearing Yoga pants... WTF!? It makes no sense, and just because you find it disgusting and not "proper" for ladies to explore what makes them tick at ANY AGE, is just ridiculous. As well as the hate against the LGBT community. It is uncalled for and seriously getting old. In this day and age, the world has enough issues without you idiots adding your blind hate towards someone else for doing something that makes them happy. Let them be happy. Accept it, and move the fuck on. I know it's really hard for you to accept being told what to do, but if you take a step back and consider you listen to a created idol, i.e. God, Budda, etc.. then you really have no room to talk. It is a well known fact that the Christianity faith has the highest murder cumulative in the history of the human race. More so than all of our World Wars combined. Catholicism is no different. Who are you to judge someone just because they don't agree with or follow your moral standards? Who are you to openly disrespect and insult them freely and get utterly butthurt when they lash back? You are hypocritical morons. Take your own medicine. You don't want them bad mouthing God or what ever false idol you worship, then don't do it to others. People are getting more open with standing up for themselves, especially against anyone who trashes what they do that makes them happy in life, love, and family. It is sickening how much you guys hate so much on others, yet you cannot stand on your own too feet without relying on a man made deity? Get real. "I contend that we are both Atheist. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you can tell me why you dismiss all the other gods, I will tell you why I dismiss yours." Let that quote sink in for a while. It's just tiring to listen to bible thumpers prattle on about Jesus and God and how if you aren't straight you are going to hell, if you aren't doing this you are going to hell, if you don't do that you are going to hell. Do you realize how retarded you sound when you people do this shit? Grow up and learn acceptance. That IS what your religions ask you to do. Accept others and treat them how you would be treated. Follow your own fucking advice and religion. I am faithless, and bound to no religion, and I even known, understand, and follow that. Know yourself before you judge another.

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  24. This was hilarious.... The whole effing thing. Including but not least the whole website.

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  25. This church contradic every belieffort they have. They are nothing more than money hungry whores. You don't keep your kids from Satan's grips. But become Satan yourself by your ideology and inventions. You abuse kids and go against everything you believe. You are dumb self righteous whores. God would be ashamed of you. You are the new pheraces! !!

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  26. I have to say, while this site hasn't stopped me from masturbating, it's helped me laugh my freaking ass off every time I read anything they post. Even better are the comments. I hate that so many people are still stuck in the dark ages about self stimulation, but I'm IMMENSELY happy they choose to share their views for the enjoyment of others. I mean damn, this shit is hilarious!

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  27. Right now I am mentally raping Brother Lonnie. GO AHEAD LONNIE CALL THE COPS. THEY CANT UNRAPE YOU!

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  28. I would like to quote the passage: "You have no right to be thinking those thoughts."
    I believe my point has been made.

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  29. The world will never 'end' just like it never began. There is no god and there is no heaven or hell. There is no devil. The universe is made of energy. We are made of energy. We are all tiny parts of the universe. Energy cannot be created or destroyed, only transformed. What I just said made perfect sense but science has yet to discover what life energies exactly are therefore I cannot tell you what happens when we die but since energy cannot be destroyed you will always exist. As for masturbation as a sin... After what I stated now pretty much shits on that, do what you like and have fun doing it. Peace out... Toki

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  30. Alls i can say is wow. I saw this site on a comedy app. I thought it was fake. It should be.

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  31. I just had a glorious wank while looking over this site, I mentally raped the shit out of it and it will never be the same.
    That is all.

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  32. FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP!

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      • shut the fuck up heaven and hell are made up and just excuses for why we're here when really. we evolved from fucking apes. MASTURBATE ON DEVILS HOES

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  33. You are all going to burn in Hellfire for all of eternity for even thinking about self-rape, you dirty Satan-worshipping sinning scum. I hope God's love burns you for ever, and tortures you painfully in the cauldrons of the underworld. God hates you because he loves you so much. He hates your sinning masturbating fornicating ways, and to show his love for you he will send you to Lucifer, who will strip your flesh and scald you in a pot for ever.

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  34. Is this site a joke or..I mean..is it possible to be stubborn in your head? How unbelievable...I'm sure it's fake..not possible otherwise. Cheers from Belgium. Land of the Holy Waffel ; )

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  35. Sometimes i draw jesus on my penis while i masturbate and he seems to like it... Although sometimes he's a bit sick

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  36. I just.... How is this... How is this a thing? Do people honestly believe this? Is this something that people think? This has to be a joke site, right? I mean, I feel like I need to masturbate while looking at it just to prove I'm not with these people. I don't know, man....

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  37. After finally figuring out this is satire...I will now pound my pudd, like it owes me money!

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  38. MASTURBATORS ARE FUCKING GOING TO HELL! THEY DESERVE IT THOSE FUCKING BITCH ASS QUEERS!

    praise fappy

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  39. This website has got to be a joke right? It sure is the funniest thing I have ever come accorss...

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  40. I think I have a problem with self rape whenever I get lonely I can't help but self rape myself. My sin stick is too powerful and my mind can not handle it. May The Lord find in his little heart to save me I don't want to be a rape victim anymore.

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  41. This is a bit off-topic, but I urgently need help with making a decision. Here goes: In theory, if I wanted to marry someone from a different species, say Chinese, would any children we had be classed as human? Or should I stick to normal-skinned women from my own species. Praise Lonnie Christ!

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  42. Okay....this is the most judgementel thing I've ever seen! Since when can we pray against people!?!? That's so wrong, also westbro I would like to mention that when you say terrible things about other sinners, you are not following the bible. God wants us to love thy neighbor, and say mean and terrible things about other people is way wrong. I will pray for all of you judgementel people tonight.

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  43. You do know that there are medical benefits to masturbation like getting rid of migraines and menstrual cramps. People like you amaze me at your ignorance! If more people would be allowed to explore their sexuality and explore how they like to be pleased in bed, maybe less rape would go on in this country! Ever think of that? Even your pets do it when you are not looking and animals are the purest souls on Earth.

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    • Are we not supposed to tell our pets what to do rather than the other way around? Are not animals supposed to be lesser souls than humans? do Hamsters vote? can a parrot read and write? Do dogs build Pyramids? is this where Darwin led us?...my head hurts.
      Praying you far away , right now.

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      • one of the flaws in your logic is that you're projecting typical human traits onto incompatible animals

        hamsters do not vote as they have no "pack leader" like we do, canines, felines, and primates do, and for each group, their pack leaders are chosen through somewhat of a democracy, if an attempt at leadership is to succeed, the dog will need support from the pack, or they will be sorry for even attempting because they will be attacked by the rest of the pack, who defend the pack leader

        a parrot has no need of reading or writing as this is a very illogical thing for them to do, they do, however learn to speak (both in nature and as pets) in much the same way humans do. and actually, one famous case (alex, the african gray parrot) demonstrates that parrots CAN, in fact, learn to read, but writing would be as difficult as it would be for you to write with your foot.

        a dog won't build a pyramid because it doesn't have to, but many insects (ants and termites in particular) build structures which by relative size would make the egyptian pyramids look like shabby treehouses

        also, if masturbation is a natural behavior of "lesser souls" as you call them, how would it not be natural behavior for the "greater souls" (whose complexity has built ONTO that of the "lesser" souls, according to darwin)

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  44. Well i masturbate furiously constantly and i don't feel like i am sinning, will someone please give me some proof that the greatest feeling in the world is a sin.

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  45. lol its ok to fuck 2 chicks at the same time out of marriage, but you cant masturbate? unreal

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  46. Wether masturbation is wrong or not is something to argue about but enforcing a no masturbation law is ridiculous. Ps. You seem so stupid when you say you can give convent to yourself lol!! Every action you take you are giving consent to yourself.

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  47. do you know what rape is? forcing someone else to have sex agenist there will not thinking about people or things thats not rape. this site is the funnyist thing i have read in a long time i have posted links up on lots of sex site so others can have a laugh too

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  48. Hahaha, I cannot stop laughing, especially "Bonus Faithfact – Some females and gay males use foreign objects and dinguses when masturbating. In doing so they are raping the raw materials of this world." Hahahaha. love this site!

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  49. I would lik to point ou that the people that run this website (right wing fucktards that suppress induvidual freedom of speech, exspression and thought) are notorius fo rape, child molestation, and spouse abuse.

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  50. Man this site makes me need to jerk off so badly.
    Know what i'm gonna jerk it right now.
    mmmmmm mental rape is so lovely

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  51. This website is so goddamn funny I may lose my job for laughing so much while I read everyone's posts. I'm going to go rub one out in the men's room. I can't laugh anymore my stomach hurts!

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  52. I'm going to mentally rape an entire women's volleyball team a few barely legal cunts and a few bitches that I don't care how old they are!

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  53. Then I'm going to go into my spank bank and mentally rape every woman I've ever been with and a few I'd still like to get with. I've got half a chubby right now I hope no one sees my half mast wood as I walk down the hall to the men's room!

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  54. Update: I made it to the men's room and had a glorious wank! I mentally raped every girl I've ever been with and some chick I passed in the hallway on the way to the men's room. Then I got home had a lovely dinner with my wife and fucked the shit out of her. Sex and orgasms are great. I love my sin stick and so does my wife!

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  55. We'll lets all have a circle jerk in hell because of our "sin" whose in!!! To bad where not going to hell because god does not exist!!! But seriously whose in for the circle jerk!!!!

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  56. I had to see this site to believe it. At first glance I thought it was a joke. Fortunately enough it is very real and very entertaining to see what these weirdo, anti masturbation people write. Holy hell is this entertaining.

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  57. Oh milton grits your picture is now in my spank bank! I want to have an orgy where you, dexter battygardensiii, carlos danger and lonnie childs and I all touch each other's sin sticks and finger each other's rectums...you are all such dream boats!

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  58. I'm jerking off thinking about you milton grits and truffle and cathy redmond and carlos danger. Please call the police! Please file a report and let the world know how much I rape myself every day thinking about you. I would turn myself in but I can't stop touching my sin stick. Please help me and call the police to report my daily masturbation fantasies!

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  59. I would like to day thank you for the article and comments because I 'm masturbated while reading it all and I have never came that hard before. Hope everyone enjoyed their mental raping!!!! Kisses from my vagina!

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  60. You should all be ashamed, masturbation is wrong and this site is doing some great work. Burn in hell sinners.

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    • If we all do what our dear friend Satan wants us to do, in this case masturbating, I bet he will be waiting for us with very proudly, so all mental rapers here don't worry! We will melt in orgasms down there. Can't wait!

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  61. religion is stupid, you're all stupid, there is the same amount of proof that god exists than that of spiderman existing, quit wasting your time praying to fuck all, live your life

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  62. I masturbate on a daily basis, and am open about it as well. so can you tell me why has nobody reported me to the police, why am I not a registered sex offender. Second question, does this webpage support gay marriage or does it just hate on whacking your willy?

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    • We are lobbying to have the law changed so you shouldn't have to wait a very long time to be reported.
      However ,if you do need urgent help in the meantime, or feel like you may hurt yourself or some other you can always voluntarily register yourself as a sex offender at your local police station.
      stay strong.

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  63. wow really? Stop doing something that comes natural? Better to get off alone than go catch something I cant scrub off. I think we should start a new Anti-Organized religion page. All of you over zealous religious nutjobs just like to tell people what to do when to do it and where and with whom.

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  64. This is the biggest load of shirt I have ever seen in my god damn life if you are saying I can't jack off to some fuck whore selling her body for more then you make In a year then kiss myGOD DAMN ASS I jack it to a bottle of jergens every day sooooooo kiss my ass.

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      • I'm sorry I didn't want to say shit and warp your fragile little mind but now I do not give 2 fucks soo lick my balls I may like it but idk seeing as you dont know what you are doing soo let me go get a hooker from WalMart thank you good bye

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  65. fj sent me here best use of a click ever... i think i may go rub one out to the fj girls on NSFW

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  66. Well, I guess this site contains nothing but shit. Only the first point has some sense, so I masturbate in front of a mirror :p

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  67. I was jacking it while I read this. I raped the fuck out of your website. Now everytime your with it, it's gonna be thinking of me.

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  68. RAPE:

    noun

    1.the unlawful compelling of a person through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse.

    2.any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.

    How can you rape raw material? If you recall a sexual experience with another person it is not rape, it's a memory.. so disillusioned it's hilarious!

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  69. Is this a joke? lol do you have any idea how ridiculous this is? Genesis 1:28 - And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.
    God's word is to multiply and bestow the world with children.. so he did in turn make sex and orgasms.
    The people who support this are clearly very sexually frustrated.

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  70. I masturbated 6 times reading these comments and I used my bible to clean up my seed. Does this mean I raped Jesus?

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  71. I just came here to say that I LOVE this website, and wholeheartedly support it's existence. Never have I laughed so hard in my life, and ever since my discovery of this place, have recently taken up my newest hobby; spite-masturbation. And let me tell you! This has definitely spiced things up in the bedroom with my african-american same-sex life partner, and our occasional casual orgies with our mixed-race homosexual friends. Just knowing people like the creators of this website are out there, fighting the anti-masturbation fight, makes it that much spicier.

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  72. This makes me horny
    FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP
    IM MASTURBATING TO THE THOUGHT OF YOU ALL RIGHT NOW AND THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT
    LOVE JESUS xoxo

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  73. As a person who believes in god, and the angels in the heavens. Who believes my sins are important to fix. And that love is the most important thing in life. I want to talk about all the topics included in this page.

    1.) Fantasizing about another person or person(s) – In doing this you are mentally raping that person. You have no right to be thinking those thoughts. Even if you are married and your spouse has given you permission in the past does not mean that you still have permission, just as how one-time consent does not mean permanent consent in a physical relation.

    (Your mind is sinful, we all have addictions to different things, but the mind is not physical, and your are but a horny being who needs to cum, unless you keep it inside and start to become consumed by hate, or you will cum in your sleep from sex dreams you dont control. If you were to fuck those who you think off, would you not do it in any way that would be disrespecting to that person. Bringing pleasure to someone could just make there life that much better. Would you call it the devils deed. I call it love. Why do people in sect (christian,catholics) think that they must impose on others what they believe. You create hate in the process, look how much hate youve accumulated in this website. Would't you rather share love and acceptance to other humans who all have a sex drive. Dont tell me you dont have a sex drive, and dont tell me that whilst you think of someone you actually think of it as rape. I mean sex supposed to be the most respectful act between a man and a woman when you give yourself completely to another being and connect with them. Dont you wish that was possible for you. I mean we dont all have wives or can find a wife, some of us never have the chance to find someone.

    2.) Looking at dirty Magazines - You are mentally raping the person that you are looking at. Liberals might argue that person gave consent when doing the picture shoot, but you do not know that for sure. The person may even be married now or have grown ugly.

    3.) Watching dirty Movies – As with number one or two, you might as well be Ted Bundy, illegally having your way with the peoples you are exploiting for your own sickening gratification.

    No consent, your right some of these woman just needed the money to feed there family, or buy drugs.(It might actually be helping someone in there lives just do the photo-shoots which is a positive thing, or some woman might actually love getting fucked and getting money for it to raise there children you dont control the world and you must respect others or kills them also if you could would you give all your money to all the people in the world with addiction or who need the money, i dont think so) the grown ugly thing (i thought all children of god were beautiful, it sounds like your judgment) I think the whole idea of what is sexual is control by mass media, just like all the hate in the world and all the wrong, dont attack the people for being hypnotised, if we all lived in the forest and respected each other in a natural way there wouldn't be such a thing as porn or dirty magazines but unfortunately we are in the world, and we have to live by its profanities, unless you want to be an extremist and kill all magazine directors, and people who are part of those industries there is nothing you can do about it. I love porn magazines, you can picture being with someone you may never have the chance to make love with. You should leave people out of it, you eat meat because the companies hypnotised you into it, you play with toys because you were hypnotised into it, you sin because you were hypnotised into it. Join the sinners or leave society. You will not bring god's love to people by hating people hypnotised all there lives into being sinners.

    4.) The World Wideweb – The Internets are full of filth. Computers should be for taxes, online Bible studies, or logging on to the STOP Masturbation NOW netsite.

    I passed my degree because of the internet and can play music for all the world, to bring love and joy to others. Now you sound like you think you are the best, very selfish like your website is the only website that is important, and you agree with taxes when taxes are what have helped build churches and bring misery to people in the past to wage religious wars again more hate. Bible studies ( God then said to the woman: “What is this you have done?” The woman replied: “The serpent deceived me, so I ate.”+14 Then God said to the serpent:+ “Because you have done this, you are the cursed one out of all the domestic animals and out of all the wild animals of the field. On your belly you will go, and you will eat dust all the days of your life. 15 And I will put enmity*+ between you+ and the woman+ and between your offspring*+ and her offspring.*+ He will crush* your head,+ and you will strike* him in the heel.”+16 To the woman he said: “I will greatly increase the pain of your pregnancy; in pain you will give birth to children, and your longing will be for your husband, and he will dominate you.”17 And to Adam* he said: “Because you listened to your wife’s voice and ate from the tree concerning which I gave you this command,+ ‘You must not eat from it,’ cursed is the ground on your account.+ In pain you will eat its produce all the days of your life.+ 18 It will grow thorns and thistles for you, and you must eat the vegetation of the field. 19 In the sweat of your face you will eat bread* until you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken.+ For dust you are and to dust you will return.”+)

    Is this really a book that you want to be living by. A god who causes so much hate because of two human beings got tricked by a snake into doing something. I see it as hate and more hate. God does not bring love you bring love. You are doing quite the opposite right now

    5.) Past Experiences – Sure, that “three way” you had with the cheerleader and her sorority sister in college might have been a “good time”, however, recalling the sinful pleasure they presented you all night is the same as repeating that sin all over again.

    Hebrews 13:4 ESV / 240 helpful votes

    Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

    God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous behaviour, not you. How do you know what sin is? People have used the bible to say what sin is for thousands of years. Now stop repressing yourself, if you are gay then love man, if you are straight then fuck respectfully but do not dare to tell others when they sin for you are disrespecting god, according to your own scriptures.

    Bonus Faithfact – Some females and gay males use foreign objects and dinguses when masturbating. In doing so they are raping the raw materials of this world.

    Raping raw material of this world, common use your common sense, do you rape a fruit by eating it. All of this is mind made things inside your head. Use your ability to write and create websites to show love. You are not without sin like all of us. So repent but leave other out of it unless love is what you want to share. I love you, and i love everyone in this universe. All the trees, and tiny specs of light. I am sorry for when I sin and forget to see the beauty in people and see how much love we all need to feel happy. Bye beautiful people i am sorry for all those offended here. Amen

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  74. I don't have anything against Christianity itself but some of the people in the religion are so dumb. Masturbation is a natural thing and can be seen in even primates such as monkeys. It is a way of exploring your body so that when you do actually have sex it can be pleasurable for you and the person you are doing it with. If you are a woman and never masturbate you can have many future problems with sex since you don't know what you like or what is your tolerance. Masturbation is a natural thing and should in fact not be stopped.

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  75. "Or have grown ugly". Wow, way to be professional. Whoever created this page of your website is an inconsiderate asshole.

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  76. i love fantasizing about jesus taking his huge flaccid cock and rubbing it all over the virgin mary's wet cunt until she screams with pleasure and cant take it any more--she just needs him inside her. and when he finally does pentrate deep, and we are talking jesus here who was middle eastern so he probably had a huge dick, he goes so deep into mary that she screams with pleasure and cant see anything other than the thick white goo that excretes out of his penis. It took him only 10 seconds to jizz because jesus lacks sexual stamina because he is a pussy. also jesus was some douche bag that took a well established religion, spun it slightly, and decided that he wanted to be a savior. christianity does not save people, it gives them something fake and insincere to hold on to.

    but back to the jesus and mary scene: there they were jesus had just cum all over marys face and tits and he gets up to leave. but shes ready for round two. so what does he do? sticks his large MIDDLE EASTERN cock into her ass. Full sodomy because like most hardcore christians, he is a hypocritical piece of shit that should have accepted he was useless and just been a carpenter-an actual useful trade. instead he died young and inspired thousands of years of war. yay.

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  77. Best site ever! So i´ll definitely burn in hell for fantasy-raping millions of women! I´ll probably get punished by a sexy as hell deamon mistress for eternity! Oh boy I can´t wait! I love this jesus shit! is there anything in the bible about what they´re wearing? I mean the deamon mistresses, …just want to know, if you know what i mean! Praise Jesus!

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  78. masturbation is a sin, end of story. i once touched myself and I'm going to hell but that doesn't mean other people have to.

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  79. This is the stupidest shit ever. People are free to choose what to do with their bodies. Christianity, nay, RELIGION is dead. It's also the cause for more deaths than any other ideal in history. Examples? The Protestants killing Catholics, killing "witches", The genocide of hundreds of thousands of people, mainly Muslims, primarily by Serbian Orthodox Christians in Bosnia-Herzegovina. So having a religious icon telling you to do something such as "god" and "jesus" is the same as asking charles Manson to tell you what to do you fucking Psychos. So you have 2 options. 1) realize that GOD isn't real, since you proclaim he "loves all his children" yet sends you to wipe out millions of people who are also his children. OR option 2) Continue being a religious Nut job and slowly wither away into nothingness where you'll experience no afterlife at all. after all the bible was written by one of "gods children" but who says he didn't lie, you know, because "adam and eve ate the apple."

    TL;DR: Religion is a lie, go fuck yourselves you mass murdering lunatics.

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  80. Wow....I'm .....flabbergasted. Humans......always arguing amongst ourselves. What gets accomplished ? Hatred? Bruised egos? Humans are irrelevant, and eventually through our own stupidity and ignorance , we will wipe ourselves out. How our species survived this long is a mystery. Oh wait. We breed like rabbits. Oh yeah....well eventually even that won't save us. Thank the gods that eventually this planet will be free of the disease known as humans.

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    • Yeah, are evolutionary ancestors had to evolve the KILL! gene, so yeah. We get stuck with couple million years later.

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  81. Wow.... This is the most retarded stuff I have ever read... You think masturbation is a bad thing? Yall are fucked in the head, sorry but yall need to stop putting words in gods mouth. Oh and get some help

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    • I just like go come on here for a good laugh. These people are funny on how stupid they are. For instance, they call Blacks second class citizens, and then claim they're not racist. They believe Neil Armstrong died on the Moon, when he died on Earth. They don't believe in galaxies, black holes, etc. hell they think that Steven Hawking has a disability not a disease. That stupidity makes me laugh and brightens up my day, having a good laugh.

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  82. REPENT SINNERS! LORD NITO SHALL MAKE YOU CLEAN! COME INTO HIS EMBRACE OF DEATH AND BECOME ONE OF THE UNDEAD LEGION!

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  83. I wish our great leader Adolf Hitler was around today to see how much these jews and self-rapers are destroying our culture.

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  84. "Bonus Faithfact – Some females and gay males use foreign objects and dinguses when masturbating. In doing so they are raping the raw materials of this world."

    Thank You so much. I've always wondered what the plural form of dingus was. Now I shall surely win that elementary school spelling bee.

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  85. Well this was a fun read. I'm gonna go masturbate to porn now. And I'll probably do it again before I go to bed. Hell I'll do it tomorrow too. My hands will he so sticky when I'm done it'll take hours to wash off!

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  86. This is ridiculous and yes i am jewish and i have a lot of respect of those from other faiths but 1 your not mentally raping someone they gave their fucking consent when they did the video or photoshoot 2 who cares what other people are doing if they as you would call them they acts of satan let them go to hell 3 females yes use foreign objects so its their life let the men and women choose their path this isn't 1 A.D its 2014

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  87. I do not know if you know about irony, seeing as you seem rather taken-aback by natural behaviors such as masturbation so here goes:

    You are all a bunch of wankers.

    Which is ironic considering this site is trying to stop people doing it...

    Wankers.

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  88. At some point in our lives we need to step back and look at how out of hand the religious world has gotten. Especially the baptists... Picketing funerals and banning gays and tieing a 5 year old to a cross so that he doesn't mastubate... You all have lost your minds! We are ALL SINNERS! Not one person is free of sin on any given day/hour/minute/second. This type of world we live in today is the exact reason I chose not to bring children into this world! Stop corrupting people with your hatred! God teaches us to love one another! I don't read of love on this page, I only read teaching of hate! I am the only one that has to answer to God for my sins!

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  89. "Prey here". Really? I seen this site on a airsoft trade site with the "anti-masterbation cross" and thought it was a joke. This is killing me!! Thanks for the jokes. Have fun with the wet dreams guys

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  90. It seems I'm a lost soul. Nothing more fun than watching my wife masturbate, nothing more fun than masturbate myself and let my wife watch, give her a good fuck kama sutra style, get a blow job and lick her everywhere.
    Come on guys don't tell me you never thought doing this, don't tell me you never look at your pee-wee.
    What when you have a wet dream?
    Well, I talked to my wife and the first of you masturhaters who type a sentence with the words "elephant" "bike" and "school" in it can join us.

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  91. Religion is poison... It's a shame this website is allowed to exist... You act like terrorist, based only in hate and irrational thoughts... Besides, there's nothing in the Bible that withstands what you write in this blog... Shame on you

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  92. I laughed, then I rubbed one out. Came here for some solace and rubbed out one more. Damn you satan!! Damn I love you evil sin of masturbation. Well gotta go. Something just came up.

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  93. Why would God (who doesn't exist) provide us with gspots and clits and guys with dicks if he didn't want us to get pleasure from them

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  94. Ok, this is a joke site, right? Because 97% of men masturbate....and 3% lie about it. Any man who says he doesn't mke himself cum is full of shit, without question. I know a few women who don't masturbate, but that's just because they can easily meet someone to have sex with...

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  95. Masturbation has been proven to be not only safe, healthy, and natural, but it has shown to drastically help those with severe anxiety or depression. Our bodies are natural, not dirty. And trying to burry those natural urges is only going to come back at you, years to come, because people who are raised to think like this, usually end up with a severe mental issue, or self esteem issues, which can in extreme cases lead to suicide. Educate your child about their body...give them a medical book. Don't lie to them and tell them they're raping everyone they think about. And as a rape victim myself, I find it INCREDIBLY ignorant, offensive and just plain rude. People who get raped have to go through a TREMENDOUS amount of pain and suffering. Taking something as serious as rape, and throwing that word around to scare your kids into your views is absolutely disgusting. You need to talk with some REAL rape victims. Open a textbook, you might actually learn something.

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    • Masturbation is a good thing Lonnie. Tell me and everyone you've never wacked it... please lie to everyone. Tell em. Your a liar and aren't shy from Adolf.
      Creepy pedophile dream jackets, nice twist creep.

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  96. What about in a country that has an AIDS epidemic, would you suggest they have sex with people and let them slowly die of the terrible illness? Or would you rather them have a pleasure filled wank. I wish all the masturbators of the willed collected all their semen and threw it in the faces of the people who agree with absolutely ridiculous notion. Get you mind out the gutter.

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  97. Hahahahahaha this page is the biggest load of fucking shit if god didn't want us to have a wank or a flick of the clit we wouldn't of been given our hands and parts haha! Fucken bunch of wankers lol

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  98. Are you people for real?? self rape? According to Oxford Dictionary rape is defined as "the forcing another person to have sexual intercourse with the offender against their will." so, you can't physically rape yourself! God created humans with sexual organs-pleasure zones, that work even when used for purposes other than reproduction. So by forcing yourself to ignore your God-given human desires you're saying God make a mistake by creating you with sexual desire. You might find a better use of your time and resources to help solve actual problems in the world than contrived "problems" such as self rape.

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  99. i think anyone who believes any of this should not engage in any sexual activity of any kind for fear you may reproduce and your offspring should be subjected to the severe mental abuse that is your "family values". Im praying your children will never be strapped to a cross and told they are sinners for doing what comes natural. this is how serial killers are made

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  100. i once snorted a bunch of cocaine and let my friend fuck me in the ass while i rubbed my pussy raw, then he came inside me. the next time we had sex he fucked me in my pussy and came inside me while he fingered my asshole, i got pregnant, had an abortion.

    such is life.

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  101. I bumped into this website from HeavenWiFi. The only thing I would wish to comment is this completely wasted 10 minutes of my life, and I'm going back to my white fluffy bed and eat some Tacos. Like, right now. Bye.

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  102. I have no idea what happened to you in your childhood Lonnie, if thats your real name as I know that Lonald is from the bible King Lonald...but whatever it was it damaged you. I have NO DOUBT that you masturbate...and you quite enjoy controlling others with your negative and silly quite frankly ideology. You get OFF by knowing that while you touch yourself, they will not...because they think you are being genuine. But you and I both know you are not. Makes you feel very powerful doesn't it? And that turns you on even more...How does it FEEL to know that only the weak, lost, confused and disenfranchised follow you? No one who knows who they are would fall for your crazy. Is that real power...or imagined? I would say the latter fat lonely man...

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    • To add your site is an insult to victims of rape. In actual rape there is no consent...but you know that... You can not rape yourself if you are in agreement with the action itself. Idiot. How do your zealot followers not know this? Oh right. They're zealots.

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  103. I'm sorry... But is this a joke? Like this can't be a real website. Why don't you all worry more about loving everyone like God loves you and stop worrying about masturbation. There are too many other heinous issues going on world wide to be paranoid about such a petty thing. To judge someone and degrade them for masturbating is just as wrong as the act itself! All sins are equal. How dare you parents strap your children up in this awful device! Let your children be children and explore they're own bodies! I would love to see a study of how this device negatively affects the sexual development of children and harms them later in life. Shame on you!!!

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  104. I feel the need to confess.
    Sometimes when I'm home alone I get naked, cover myself in Vaseline, and squirm around on the ground and pretend I'm a worm

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  105. Five reasons why this article and this website as a whole is bullshit:

    1. Masturbation is completely natural. There is nothing against masturbation in the Bible, and even if there was, the Bible wasn't written by God, anyway.

    2. "Mental rape"? Do you even know what rape is? Masturbation is about sexual desire. Rape is not. Rape is about humiliation and making the other person feel weak.

    3. Pornstars in videos and magazines actively put themselves out there. They know that people will masturbate to them, and they do it anyway. There are completely aware.

    5. Masturbating to a person is one MILLION times better than forcing yourself onto a person who might not share the same feelings as you.

    It's SHIT Like this that makes people hate Christians, and it's also shit like this that is why I don't believe in organized religion, and why I'm not Christian myself. If God does exist, you're not gonna get a "Get to Heaven Free" card for believing this.

    Tl;dr: Masturbation is normal, you people are nutjobs, and God would Facebook if he saw this website.

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  106. So... Got to go now... I'm going to commit self-rape, with my traveling husband over the internet, he's going to commit it too... While I whisper naughty stuff to him...
    Such sinners we are!

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  107. There are persons killing people, there are persons raping people, there are persons molesting and raping children, there are persons letting countries to starve to death... And you call me sinner when I touch myself until I have a nice, healthy and awesome orgasm?

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  108. The ones who wrote this shit are just a bunch of lonely sad hypocrits. If you feel uncomfortable having sexual fantasies wit your dear father McKenzie in the middle of your morning prayers that's your fucking problem. Don't transmit your hate for the human body to everyone else, and expect everyone to fell as miserable in their sex lives as you retards do. I need to purify myself after reading all this trash, so I'm gonna masturbate right now. Is that good for you religious freaks?

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  109. I masturbate on the daily and idec what the fuck you fundamentalist Christians say, btw I'm Catholic and you guys are either joking or out of your minds.

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  110. Masturbation, it's good for your health.
    And I think about you when I touch myself.
    I picture you putting your hands on my chest.
    Touching my breasts
    with a gentle caress.

    Then you just take me.
    Hard.
    And I see the moon
    and stars.
    It's so beautiful,
    I cry
    as I scream
    and cream
    and touch the sky.

    Oh my.

    I think about you, and it makes me sigh...

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  111. Real inspring video opened my mind to a lot of things. God Bless!!
    http://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=1852830971

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  112. Wow you religious fanatics are fucking ridiculous. Just based on global over population, I say it should be required the "self rape". There are too many stupid fuckers breeding and successfully lowering the average I.Q. of the world. Ill mentally "rape" who ever I want. Just the other day my wife and saw a flaming hot little red headed waitress at dinner. My wife beat her pussy up in the shower, using the shower head, and I pounded one out thinking of how she would feel sliding up and down on my rod. Hell I wish I was smart enough the Jack it instead of having kids. I'd have a lot more money, and a hell of a lot more fun if I had. And how come it's not ok to jerk off, but it's ok for a priest to pound some 10 year old boys Ass? Your against gays, but your leaders are a bunch of homosexual pedophiles. In short, fuck you, fuck your God, and know that when your dead and rotting in your pine boxes, this deranged mental rapist will be standing on your graves with my cock in one hand and a bottle of ky in the other, thinking about what ever hot piece of Ass I've seen recently.

    Religion: a tool created to control and placate the simple minded.

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  113. u know what i use internet for.....watching moives,,,keeping track of my on line business..and buying things for my online business.

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  114. I can't tell for sure, but this website really seems like an anti-masturbation circlejerk... And I realize the irony in what I just said.

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  115. Are you fucking serious? jesus fucking chris you guys need to go watch some porn or something and relax, get yourself some chicken nuggets and a beer and fuck off

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  116. You people are upset over this shit over masturbation. I can't take you seriously with your blogs.

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  117. is this site for real?sorry im single and no woman wants to touch me so yeah,i masturbate sometimes 2-3 times a day yep porn is always involved,find me a woman and ill stop I am a man and men have needs,I think God understands..jesus was a man at one time ya'll are crazy to believe that masturbation is wrong,the pope is a single man,you think he doesnt jerk off every now and then

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  118. What if I maturbate while looking at myself or my own image because I am so turned on by how I look... Am I raping myself?

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  119. I have to say. I have read the bible quite a few times. The bible says that Jesus experienced everything a man did. Which would lead to the obvious conclusion that he masturbated. If Jesus can do it so can i

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  120. Here is a list of prayer websites for your consideration:
    http://goo.gl/YVjz6M
    http://goo.gl/sJgOLN
    http://goo.gl/4GD2YV
    http://goo.gl/0lNzqe
    http://goo.gl/ypVFN3
    http://goo.gl/kFdlqw
    http://goo.gl/ytK7mC
    http://goo.gl/eCSuxJ
    http://goo.gl/IwKJkQ
    http://goo.gl/qu5rav
    http://goo.gl/hDxolv

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  121. I gay and love to suck ? and I jerk off all the time it helps me get off I'm not rapping myself I'm pleasuring myself and it feels good so I keep doing it and I believe I'll never stop

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  122. This whole site has got to be a fucking joke! Well while I'm on here I might as well admit that I love watching porn where a chick gets rammed by two trannies! And I yank it like a monkey in a mango tree and there's nothing you can do or say that'll stop me!

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  123. what if I am not thinking about anything in particular while masturbating? (beside the fact that it reduces risk of prostate cancer)

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  124. What if I masturbate without thinking of anything? Then this article means not to all but only some, in which you are mentally discriminating against those who do not think whilst masturbating...

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  125. You are a bunch of weirdos. Let me tell you. If anything Masturbation should be encouraged. It might prevent some of you sickos from Raping others.

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  126. Masturbation is the biggest scourge facing mankind today. Time to wipe it off God's creation.

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    • I think Christianity is the biggest scourge facing mankind today. You can't tell people what to do or how to live, or perhaps most importantly what to think.

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  127. I'm confused. This website is has so much stunningly unreal content that I can't tell if it is all a joke or there are actual people who believe this.

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  128. I am a maried man with a child, in the last 6 years I started to browse porn sites on the interNET, at first I would masturbate watching classic heterosexual porn, but then it escaleted to fetish, homosexual and bestiality porn, I love it so much that I just cant stop doing it, I have even lost interest in my wife and prefer jerking off than fucking her, I know I have a problem but I do not what to do, can someone please give me any advice?

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  129. 'Jesus' is a sociopathic, pathological lying fuckwit.
    You're all fucking brainwashed and forced to conform to religion by your obviously delusional, psychopathic parents.
    I sure hope religion doesn't catch on in the near future.
    You will finally realize how much hours you've wasted only to rot in the ground you delusional fucks.

    P.S, God doesn't exist, neither does any god-like entity.

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  130. Masturbation is natural so people should be able to do it and also prostitusion shouldn't be banned as its also natural.

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  131. It is a shame that all of you have strayed from the path of the one true god. I hope that someday you will find HIM again. I hope that you all we be able to worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster once again. Ramen.

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  132. G-d does not want men to masturbate, nor does He want the world full of accidental and unwanted children and therefore G-d made Gay men who will help you stop masturbating and fornicating with random women who will bring children into this world and then leave them alone somewhere. So if you truly wish to obey G-d's will, stop masturbating and save your soul from Hell, befriend your Gay men and they will do as G-d intended and will help save your souls and your laundry. Amen! Amen! Amen! This too is why there are places where you can go to anonymously and why they are called "Glory Holes", for there is where you can reach your ultimate glory and never masturbate again. Glory! Glory! Glory!

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  133. "Computers should be for taxes, online Bible studies, or logging on to the STOP Masturbation NOW netsite."
    nope. so if computers are for only that,
    the server hosting stop masturbation now is a computer;
    does that mean it can't host stop masturbation now because it has to log onto the nonexistant site?
    Logic is fucking nonexistant here.

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  134. Is it a sin to jerk off, whack the weasel, polish the pope, wring the chicken while reading this site??

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  135. one time i stuck my finger so far up there it got stuck and i had to call the fire department for help

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  136. I masturbate at least 4-5 times a week ... I love it. You can pray for me all you want, I ain't gonna stop. I'm not the problem, the people against a healthy, perfectly normal activity, and wasting time posting about it and making a full website about it .... That's the problem. What I do in my own bed (or anywhere else for that matter), does not effect you in the least, but I can say .... Damn it feels great! You're missing out.

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  137. Okay, let me explain something to you, that you dimwitted fucktards here at Stop Masturbation Now don't seem to understand: Masturbation is a perfectly normal part of sexuality; non-human animals, such as the Bonobo Monkey, walruses, ground squirrels, bats, lizards, turtles, penguins, and MANY others do it as well. I am not comparing people who masturbate, such as myself, to wild animals, I am making a point that it is a NORMAL, biological component to human sexuality. In fact, masturbation is the SAFEST type of sex you can have: you cannot get pregnant, or get an STD, and the only risk imposed is a slight discomfort due to friction, but we all know how to take care of that. A healthy sex life, with or without a partner, can lead to better sexual health, better sexual awareness (you learn what you do and don't like!), and better overall health. There are no risks to it: The only reason that people experience shame, and embarrassment about it, is because of the negative messages they receive: If everyone were more positive, and accepted it more, than there would be no shame. That being said, it's cool if you don't masturbate, but you haven't got any right to tell people what to do with their own bodies, or their own sex lives. So, fuck off.

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  138. my friends cock fell off after he jerkedoff. it literally broke off in his hand. all bloody and shit. dont do it. it hurts.

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  139. I haven't masturbated in over four years, I had gotten addicted to the opioid like rush of endorphins that are produced by masturbating.
    I had been addicted to heroin previously but masturbation was a far harder habit to kick.
    The only thing between me and my habit was a couple of thin layers of fabric and nothing while in bed at night.
    I still have craving to masturbate being that I'm a single father with a teenaged girl still at home but the lord has given me the strength to overcome my weakness.
    I pray for everyone that is struggling with a masturbation issue, there is hope just do not give up.
    Praise.

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  140. IM DYING LMAO THIS IS SO FUNNY HAHA I WISH THE DEVIL WOULD FVCK ME SO I DONT HAVE TO FINGER MYSELF IM SORRY THIS IS HILARIOUS "self raping" RAPE IS NON CONSENSUAL SEX YOU ARE CONSENTING BY MASTURBATING OH MY GOD I AM DONE SATAN PLEASE TAKE ME PRAYING FOR THESE DUMBASSES

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  141. I'm not going to ask you that if I'm allowed to think about girls or not. Fucking faggots, you ruin teenagers' life.

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  142. According to all known laws of aviation, there should be no way for a bee to be able to fly.

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    • What is that for a fucking sick stuff herre. Now I'm going, watch a hot porn, tfuck my wet pussy with a toy, until I'm come so hard, that I have scream out my fucking horniness. Then I stick the wet toy in my ass an fuck it my ass hard.

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  143. According to all known laws
    of aviation,

    there is no way a bee
    should be able to fly.

    Its wings are too small to get
    its fat little body off the ground.

    The bee, of course, flies anyway

    because bees don't care
    what humans think is impossible.

    Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
    Yellow, black. Yellow, black.

    Ooh, black and yellow!
    Let's shake it up a little.

    Barry! Breakfast is ready!

    Ooming!

    Hang on a second.

    Hello?

    - Barry?
    - Adam?

    - Oan you believe this is happening?
    - I can't. I'll pick you up.

    Looking sharp.

    Use the stairs. Your father
    paid good money for those.

    Sorry. I'm excited.

    Here's the graduate.
    We're very proud of you, son.

    A perfect report card, all B's.

    Very proud.

    Ma! I got a thing going here.

    - You got lint on your fuzz.
    - Ow! That's me!

    - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000.
    - Bye!

    Barry, I told you,
    stop flying in the house!

    - Hey, Adam.
    - Hey, Barry.

    - Is that fuzz gel?
    - A little. Special day, graduation.

    Never thought I'd make it.

    Three days grade school,
    three days high school.

    Those were awkward.

    Three days college. I'm glad I took
    a day and hitchhiked around the hive.

    You did come back different.

    - Hi, Barry.
    - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.

    - Hear about Frankie?
    - Yeah.

    - You going to the funeral?
    - No, I'm not going.

    Everybody knows,
    sting someone, you die.

    Don't waste it on a squirrel.
    Such a hothead.

    I guess he could have
    just gotten out of the way.

    I love this incorporating
    an amusement park into our day.

    That's why we don't need vacations.

    Boy, quite a bit of pomp...
    under the circumstances.

    - Well, Adam, today we are men.
    - We are!

    - Bee-men.
    - Amen!

    Hallelujah!

    Students, faculty, distinguished bees,

    please welcome Dean Buzzwell.

    Welcome, New Hive Oity
    graduating class of...

    ...9:15.

    That concludes our ceremonies.

    And begins your career
    at Honex Industries!

    Will we pick ourjob today?

    I heard it's just orientation.

    Heads up! Here we go.

    Keep your hands and antennas
    inside the tram at all times.

    - Wonder what it'll be like?
    - A little scary.

    Welcome to Honex,
    a division of Honesco

    and a part of the Hexagon Group.

    This is it!

    Wow.

    Wow.

    We know that you, as a bee,
    have worked your whole life

    to get to the point where you
    can work for your whole life.

    Honey begins when our valiant Pollen
    Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.

    Our top-secret formula

    is automatically color-corrected,
    scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured

    into this soothing sweet syrup

    with its distinctive
    golden glow you know as...

    Honey!

    - That girl was hot.
    - She's my cousin!

    - She is?
    - Yes, we're all cousins.

    - Right. You're right.
    - At Honex, we constantly strive

    to improve every aspect
    of bee existence.

    These bees are stress-testing
    a new helmet technology.

    - What do you think he makes?
    - Not enough.

    Here we have our latest advancement,
    the Krelman.

    - What does that do?
    - Oatches that little strand of honey

    that hangs after you pour it.
    Saves us millions.

    Oan anyone work on the Krelman?

    Of course. Most bee jobs are
    small ones. But bees know

    that every small job,
    if it's done well, means a lot.

    But choose carefully

    because you'll stay in the job
    you pick for the rest of your life.

    The same job the rest of your life?
    I didn't know that.

    What's the difference?

    You'll be happy to know that bees,
    as a species, haven't had one day off

    in 27 million years.

    So you'll just work us to death?

    We'll sure try.

    Wow! That blew my mind!

    "What's the difference?"
    How can you say that?

    One job forever?
    That's an insane choice to have to make.

    I'm relieved. Now we only have
    to make one decision in life.

    But, Adam, how could they
    never have told us that?

    Why would you question anything?
    We're bees.

    We're the most perfectly
    functioning society on Earth.

    You ever think maybe things
    work a little too well here?

    Like what? Give me one example.

    I don't know. But you know
    what I'm talking about.

    Please clear the gate.
    Royal Nectar Force on approach.

    Wait a second. Oheck it out.

    - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!
    - Wow.

    I've never seen them this close.

    They know what it's like
    outside the hive.

    Yeah, but some don't come back.

    - Hey, Jocks!
    - Hi, Jocks!

    You guys did great!

    You're monsters!
    You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!

    - I wonder where they were.
    - I don't know.

    Their day's not planned.

    Outside the hive, flying who knows
    where, doing who knows what.

    You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen
    Jock. You have to be bred for that.

    Right.

    Look. That's more pollen
    than you and I will see in a lifetime.

    It's just a status symbol.
    Bees make too much of it.

    Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it
    and the ladies see you wearing it.

    Those ladies?
    Aren't they our cousins too?

    Distant. Distant.

    Look at these two.

    - Oouple of Hive Harrys.
    - Let's have fun with them.

    It must be dangerous
    being a Pollen Jock.

    Yeah. Once a bear pinned me
    against a mushroom!

    He had a paw on my throat,
    and with the other, he was slapping me!

    - Oh, my!
    - I never thought I'd knock him out.

    What were you doing during this?

    Trying to alert the authorities.

    I can autograph that.

    A little gusty out there today,
    wasn't it, comrades?

    Yeah. Gusty.

    We're hitting a sunflower patch
    six miles from here tomorrow.

    - Six miles, huh?
    - Barry!

    A puddle jump for us,
    but maybe you're not up for it.

    - Maybe I am.
    - You are not!

    We're going 0900 at J-Gate.

    What do you think, buzzy-boy?
    Are you bee enough?

    I might be. It all depends
    on what 0900 means.

    Hey, Honex!

    Dad, you surprised me.

    You decide what you're interested in?

    - Well, there's a lot of choices.
    - But you only get one.

    Do you ever get bored
    doing the same job every day?

    Son, let me tell you about stirring.

    You grab that stick, and you just
    move it around, and you stir it around.

    You get yourself into a rhythm.
    It's a beautiful thing.

    You know, Dad,
    the more I think about it,

    maybe the honey field
    just isn't right for me.

    You were thinking of what,
    making balloon animals?

    That's a bad job
    for a guy with a stinger.

    Janet, your son's not sure
    he wants to go into honey!

    - Barry, you are so funny sometimes.
    - I'm not trying to be funny.

    You're not funny! You're going
    into honey. Our son, the stirrer!

    - You're gonna be a stirrer?
    - No one's listening to me!

    Wait till you see the sticks I have.

    I could say anything right now.
    I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!

    Let's open some honey and celebrate!

    Maybe I'll pierce my thorax.
    Shave my antennae.

    Shack up with a grasshopper. Get
    a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!

    I'm so proud.

    - We're starting work today!
    - Today's the day.

    Oome on! All the good jobs
    will be gone.

    Yeah, right.

    Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,
    stirrer, front desk, hair removal...

    - Is it still available?
    - Hang on. Two left!

    One of them's yours! Oongratulations!
    Step to the side.

    - What'd you get?
    - Picking crud out. Stellar!

    Wow!

    Oouple of newbies?

    Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!

    Make your choice.

    - You want to go first?
    - No, you go.

    Oh, my. What's available?

    Restroom attendant's open,
    not for the reason you think.

    - Any chance of getting the Krelman?
    - Sure, you're on.

    I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.

    Wax monkey's always open.

    The Krelman opened up again.

    What happened?

    A bee died. Makes an opening. See?
    He's dead. Another dead one.

    Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.

    Dead from the neck up.
    Dead from the neck down. That's life!

    Oh, this is so hard!

    Heating, cooling,
    stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,

    humming, inspector number seven,
    lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,

    mite wrangler. Barry, what
    do you think I should... Barry?

    Barry!

    All right, we've got the sunflower patch
    in quadrant nine...

    What happened to you?
    Where are you?

    - I'm going out.
    - Out? Out where?

    - Out there.
    - Oh, no!

    I have to, before I go
    to work for the rest of my life.

    You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?

    Another call coming in.

    If anyone's feeling brave,
    there's a Korean deli on 83rd

    that gets their roses today.

    Hey, guys.

    - Look at that.
    - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?

    Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.

    It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.

    Really? Feeling lucky, are you?

    Sign here, here. Just initial that.

    - Thank you.
    - OK.

    You got a rain advisory today,

    and as you all know,
    bees cannot fly in rain.

    So be careful. As always,
    watch your brooms,

    hockey sticks, dogs,
    birds, bears and bats.

    Also, I got a couple of reports
    of root beer being poured on us.

    Murphy's in a home because of it,
    babbling like a cicada!

    - That's awful.
    - And a reminder for you rookies,

    bee law number one,
    absolutely no talking to humans!

    All right, launch positions!

    Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,
    buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!

    Black and yellow!

    Hello!

    You ready for this, hot shot?

    Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.

    Wind, check.

    - Antennae, check.
    - Nectar pack, check.

    - Wings, check.
    - Stinger, check.

    Scared out of my shorts, check.

    OK, ladies,

    let's move it out!

    Pound those petunias,
    you striped stem-suckers!

    All of you, drain those flowers!

    Wow! I'm out!

    I can't believe I'm out!

    So blue.

    I feel so fast and free!

    Box kite!

    Wow!

    Flowers!

    This is Blue Leader.
    We have roses visual.

    Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.

    Roses!

    30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.

    Stand to the side, kid.
    It's got a bit of a kick.

    That is one nectar collector!

    - Ever see pollination up close?
    - No, sir.

    I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it
    over here. Maybe a dash over there,

    a pinch on that one.
    See that? It's a little bit of magic.

    That's amazing. Why do we do that?

    That's pollen power. More pollen, more
    flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.

    Oool.

    I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow.
    Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?

    Oopy that visual.

    Wait. One of these flowers
    seems to be on the move.

    Say again? You're reporting
    a moving flower?

    Affirmative.

    That was on the line!

    This is the coolest. What is it?

    I don't know, but I'm loving this color.

    It smells good.
    Not like a flower, but I like it.

    Yeah, fuzzy.

    Ohemical-y.

    Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.

    My sweet lord of bees!

    Oandy-brain, get off there!

    Problem!

    - Guys!
    - This could be bad.

    Affirmative.

    Very close.

    Gonna hurt.

    Mama's little boy.

    You are way out of position, rookie!

    Ooming in at you like a missile!

    Help me!

    I don't think these are flowers.

    - Should we tell him?
    - I think he knows.

    What is this?!

    Match point!

    You can start packing up, honey,
    because you're about to eat it!

    Yowser!

    Gross.

    There's a bee in the car!

    - Do something!
    - I'm driving!

    - Hi, bee.
    - He's back here!

    He's going to sting me!

    Nobody move. If you don't move,
    he won't sting you. Freeze!

    He blinked!

    Spray him, Granny!

    What are you doing?!

    Wow... the tension level
    out here is unbelievable.

    I gotta get home.

    Oan't fly in rain.

    Oan't fly in rain.

    Oan't fly in rain.

    Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!

    Ken, could you close
    the window please?

    Ken, could you close
    the window please?

    Oheck out my new resume.
    I made it into a fold-out brochure.

    You see? Folds out.

    Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.

    What was that?

    Maybe this time. This time. This time.
    This time! This time! This...

    Drapes!

    That is diabolical.

    It's fantastic. It's got all my special
    skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.

    What's number one? Star Wars?

    Nah, I don't go for that...

    ...kind of stuff.

    No wonder we shouldn't talk to them.
    They're out of their minds.

    When I leave a job interview, they're
    flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.

    There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.

    I don't remember the sun
    having a big 75 on it.

    I predicted global warming.

    I could feel it getting hotter.
    At first I thought it was just me.

    Wait! Stop! Bee!

    Stand back. These are winter boots.

    Wait!

    Don't kill him!

    You know I'm allergic to them!
    This thing could kill me!

    Why does his life have
    less value than yours?

    Why does his life have any less value
    than mine? Is that your statement?

    I'm just saying all life has value. You
    don't know what he's capable of feeling.

    My brochure!

    There you go, little guy.

    I'm not scared of him.
    It's an allergic thing.

    Put that on your resume brochure.

    My whole face could puff up.

    Make it one of your special skills.

    Knocking someone out
    is also a special skill.

    Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.

    - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?
    - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.

    - You could put carob chips on there.
    - Bye.

    - Supposed to be less calories.
    - Bye.

    I gotta say something.

    She saved my life.
    I gotta say something.

    All right, here it goes.

    Nah.

    What would I say?

    I could really get in trouble.

    It's a bee law.
    You're not supposed to talk to a human.

    I can't believe I'm doing this.

    I've got to.

    Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!

    No. Yes. No.

    Do it. I can't.

    How should I start it?
    "You like jazz?" No, that's no good.

    Here she comes! Speak, you fool!

    Hi!

    I'm sorry.

    - You're talking.
    - Yes, I know.

    You're talking!

    I'm so sorry.

    No, it's OK. It's fine.
    I know I'm dreaming.

    But I don't recall going to bed.

    Well, I'm sure this
    is very disconcerting.

    This is a bit of a surprise to me.
    I mean, you're a bee!

    I am. And I'm not supposed
    to be doing this,

    but they were all trying to kill me.

    And if it wasn't for you...

    I had to thank you.
    It's just how I was raised.

    That was a little weird.

    - I'm talking with a bee.
    - Yeah.

    I'm talking to a bee.
    And the bee is talking to me!

    I just want to say I'm grateful.
    I'll leave now.

    - Wait! How did you learn to do that?
    - What?

    The talking thing.

    Same way you did, I guess.
    "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.

    - That's very funny.
    - Yeah.

    Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh,
    we'd cry with what we have to deal with.

    Anyway...

    Oan I...

    ...get you something?
    - Like what?

    I don't know. I mean...
    I don't know. Ooffee?

    I don't want to put you out.

    It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.

    - It's just coffee.
    - I hate to impose.

    - Don't be ridiculous!
    - Actually, I would love a cup.

    Hey, you want rum cake?

    - I shouldn't.
    - Have some.

    - No, I can't.
    - Oome on!

    I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.

    - Where?
    - These stripes don't help.

    You look great!

    I don't know if you know
    anything about fashion.

    Are you all right?

    No.

    He's making the tie in the cab
    as they're flying up Madison.

    He finally gets there.

    He runs up the steps into the church.
    The wedding is on.

    And he says, "Watermelon?
    I thought you said Guatemalan.

    Why would I marry a watermelon?"

    Is that a bee joke?

    That's the kind of stuff we do.

    Yeah, different.

    So, what are you gonna do, Barry?

    About work? I don't know.

    I want to do my part for the hive,
    but I can't do it the way they want.

    I know how you feel.

    - You do?
    - Sure.

    My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or
    a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.

    - Really?
    - My only interest is flowers.

    Our new queen was just elected
    with that same campaign slogan.

    Anyway, if you look...

    There's my hive right there. See it?

    You're in Sheep Meadow!

    Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!

    No way! I know that area.
    I lost a toe ring there once.

    - Why do girls put rings on their toes?
    - Why not?

    - It's like putting a hat on your knee.
    - Maybe I'll try that.

    - You all right, ma'am?
    - Oh, yeah. Fine.

    Just having two cups of coffee!

    Anyway, this has been great.
    Thanks for the coffee.

    Yeah, it's no trouble.

    Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did,
    I'd be up the rest of my life.

    Are you...?

    Oan I take a piece of this with me?

    Sure! Here, have a crumb.

    - Thanks!
    - Yeah.

    All right. Well, then...
    I guess I'll see you around.

    Or not.

    OK, Barry.

    And thank you
    so much again... for before.

    Oh, that? That was nothing.

    Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...

    This can't possibly work.

    He's all set to go.
    We may as well try it.

    OK, Dave, pull the chute.

    - Sounds amazing.
    - It was amazing!

    It was the scariest,
    happiest moment of my life.

    Humans! I can't believe
    you were with humans!

    Giant, scary humans!
    What were they like?

    Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.

    They eat crazy giant things.
    They drive crazy.

    - Do they try and kill you, like on TV?
    - Some of them. But some of them don't.

    - How'd you get back?
    - Poodle.

    You did it, and I'm glad. You saw
    whatever you wanted to see.

    You had your "experience." Now you
    can pick out yourjob and be normal.

    - Well...
    - Well?

    Well, I met someone.

    You did? Was she Bee-ish?

    - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!
    - No, no, no, not a wasp.

    - Spider?
    - I'm not attracted to spiders.

    I know it's the hottest thing,
    with the eight legs and all.

    I can't get by that face.

    So who is she?

    She's... human.

    No, no. That's a bee law.
    You wouldn't break a bee law.

    - Her name's Vanessa.
    - Oh, boy.

    She's so nice. And she's a florist!

    Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!

    We're not dating.

    You're flying outside the hive, talking
    to humans that attack our homes

    with power washers and M-80s!
    One-eighth a stick of dynamite!

    She saved my life!
    And she understands me.

    This is over!

    Eat this.

    This is not over! What was that?

    - They call it a crumb.
    - It was so stingin' stripey!

    And that's not what they eat.
    That's what falls off what they eat!

    - You know what a Oinnabon is?
    - No.

    It's bread and cinnamon and frosting.
    They heat it up...

    Sit down!

    ...really hot!
    - Listen to me!

    We are not them! We're us.
    There's us and there's them!

    Yes, but who can deny
    the heart that is yearning?

    There's no yearning.
    Stop yearning. Listen to me!

    You have got to start thinking bee,
    my friend. Thinking bee!

    - Thinking bee.
    - Thinking bee.

    Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
    Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

    There he is. He's in the pool.

    You know what your problem is, Barry?

    I gotta start thinking bee?

    How much longer will this go on?

    It's been three days!
    Why aren't you working?

    I've got a lot of big life decisions
    to think about.

    What life? You have no life!
    You have no job. You're barely a bee!

    Would it kill you
    to make a little honey?

    Barry, come out.
    Your father's talking to you.

    Martin, would you talk to him?

    Barry, I'm talking to you!

    You coming?

    Got everything?

    All set!

    Go ahead. I'll catch up.

    Don't be too long.

    Watch this!

    Vanessa!

    - We're still here.
    - I told you not to yell at him.

    He doesn't respond to yelling!

    - Then why yell at me?
    - Because you don't listen!

    I'm not listening to this.

    Sorry, I've gotta go.

    - Where are you going?
    - I'm meeting a friend.

    A girl? Is this why you can't decide?

    Bye.

    I just hope she's Bee-ish.

    They have a huge parade
    of flowers every year in Pasadena?

    To be in the Tournament of Roses,
    that's every florist's dream!

    Up on a float, surrounded
    by flowers, crowds cheering.

    A tournament. Do the roses
    compete in athletic events?

    No. All right, I've got one.
    How come you don't fly everywhere?

    It's exhausting. Why don't you
    run everywhere? It's faster.

    Yeah, OK, I see, I see.
    All right, your turn.

    TiVo. You can just freeze live TV?
    That's insane!

    You don't have that?

    We have Hivo, but it's a disease.
    It's a horrible, horrible disease.

    Oh, my.

    Dumb bees!

    You must want to sting all those jerks.

    We try not to sting.
    It's usually fatal for us.

    So you have to watch your temper.

    Very carefully.
    You kick a wall, take a walk,

    write an angry letter and throw it out.
    Work through it like any emotion:

    Anger, jealousy, lust.

    Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?

    Yeah.

    - What is wrong with you?!
    - It's a bug.

    He's not bothering anybody.
    Get out of here, you creep!

    What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular?

    Yeah, it was. How did you know?

    It felt like about 10 pages.
    Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.

    You've really got that
    down to a science.

    - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue.
    - I'll bet.

    What in the name
    of Mighty Hercules is this?

    How did this get here?
    Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,

    Ray Liotta Private Select?

    - Is he that actor?
    - I never heard of him.

    - Why is this here?
    - For people. We eat it.

    You don't have
    enough food of your own?

    - Well, yes.
    - How do you get it?

    - Bees make it.
    - I know who makes it!

    And it's hard to make it!

    There's heating, cooling, stirring.
    You need a whole Krelman thing!

    - It's organic.
    - It's our-ganic!

    It's just honey, Barry.

    Just what?!

    Bees don't know about this!
    This is stealing! A lot of stealing!

    You've taken our homes, schools,
    hospitals! This is all we have!

    And it's on sale?!
    I'm getting to the bottom of this.

    I'm getting to the bottom
    of all of this!

    Hey, Hector.

    - You almost done?
    - Almost.

    He is here. I sense it.

    Well, I guess I'll go home now

    and just leave this nice honey out,
    with no one around.

    You're busted, box boy!

    I knew I heard something.
    So you can talk!

    I can talk.
    And now you'll start talking!

    Where you getting the sweet stuff?
    Who's your supplier?

    I don't understand.
    I thought we were friends.

    The last thing we want
    to do is upset bees!

    You're too late! It's ours now!

    You, sir, have crossed
    the wrong sword!

    You, sir, will be lunch
    for my iguana, Ignacio!

    Where is the honey coming from?

    Tell me where!

    Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!

    Orazy person!

    What horrible thing has happened here?

    These faces, they never knew
    what hit them. And now

    they're on the road to nowhere!

    Just keep still.

    What? You're not dead?

    Do I look dead? They will wipe anything
    that moves. Where you headed?

    To Honey Farms.
    I am onto something huge here.

    I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood,
    crazy stuff. Blows your head off!

    I'm going to Tacoma.

    - And you?
    - He really is dead.

    All right.

    Uh-oh!

    - What is that?!
    - Oh, no!

    - A wiper! Triple blade!
    - Triple blade?

    Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!

    Why does everything have
    to be so doggone clean?!

    How much do you people need to see?!

    Open your eyes!
    Stick your head out the window!

    From NPR News in Washington,
    I'm Oarl Kasell.

    But don't kill no more bugs!

    - Bee!
    - Moose blood guy!!

    - You hear something?
    - Like what?

    Like tiny screaming.

    Turn off the radio.

    Whassup, bee boy?

    Hey, Blood.

    Just a row of honey jars,
    as far as the eye could see.

    Wow!

    I assume wherever this truck goes
    is where they're getting it.

    I mean, that honey's ours.

    - Bees hang tight.
    - We're all jammed in.

    It's a close community.

    Not us, man. We on our own.
    Every mosquito on his own.

    - What if you get in trouble?
    - You a mosquito, you in trouble.

    Nobody likes us. They just smack.
    See a mosquito, smack, smack!

    At least you're out in the world.
    You must meet girls.

    Mosquito girls try to trade up,
    get with a moth, dragonfly.

    Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.

    You got to be kidding me!

    Mooseblood's about to leave
    the building! So long, bee!

    - Hey, guys!
    - Mooseblood!

    I knew I'd catch y'all down here.
    Did you bring your crazy straw?

    We throw it in jars, slap a label on it,
    and it's pretty much pure profit.

    What is this place?

    A bee's got a brain
    the size of a pinhead.

    They are pinheads!

    Pinhead.

    - Oheck out the new smoker.
    - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.

    The Thomas 3000!

    Smoker?

    Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic.
    Twice the nicotine, all the tar.

    A couple breaths of this
    knocks them right out.

    They make the honey,
    and we make the money.

    "They make the honey,
    and we make the money"?

    Oh, my!

    What's going on? Are you OK?

    Yeah. It doesn't last too long.

    Do you know you're
    in a fake hive with fake walls?

    Our queen was moved here.
    We had no choice.

    This is your queen?
    That's a man in women's clothes!

    That's a drag queen!

    What is this?

    Oh, no!

    There's hundreds of them!

    Bee honey.

    Our honey is being brazenly stolen
    on a massive scale!

    This is worse than anything bears
    have done! I intend to do something.

    Oh, Barry, stop.

    Who told you humans are taking
    our honey? That's a rumor.

    Do these look like rumors?

    That's a conspiracy theory.
    These are obviously doctored photos.

    How did you get mixed up in this?

    He's been talking to humans.

    - What?
    - Talking to humans?!

    He has a human girlfriend.
    And they make out!

    Make out? Barry!

    We do not.

    - You wish you could.
    - Whose side are you on?

    The bees!

    I dated a cricket once in San Antonio.
    Those crazy legs kept me up all night.

    Barry, this is what you want
    to do with your life?

    I want to do it for all our lives.
    Nobody works harder than bees!

    Dad, I remember you
    coming home so overworked

    your hands were still stirring.
    You couldn't stop.

    I remember that.

    What right do they have to our honey?

    We live on two cups a year. They put it
    in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!

    Even if it's true, what can one bee do?

    Sting them where it really hurts.

    In the face! The eye!

    - That would hurt.
    - No.

    Up the nose? That's a killer.

    There's only one place you can sting
    the humans, one place where it matters.

    Hive at Five, the hive's only
    full-hour action news source.

    No more bee beards!

    With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.

    Weather with Storm Stinger.

    Sports with Buzz Larvi.

    And Jeanette Ohung.

    - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble.
    - And I'm Jeanette Ohung.

    A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,

    intends to sue the human race
    for stealing our honey,

    packaging it and profiting
    from it illegally!

    Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,

    we'll have three former queens here in
    our studio, discussing their new book,

    Olassy Ladies,
    out this week on Hexagon.

    Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.

    Did you ever think, "I'm a kid
    from the hive. I can't do this"?

    Bees have never been afraid
    to change the world.

    What about Bee Oolumbus?
    Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?

    Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.

    We were thinking
    of stickball or candy stores.

    How old are you?

    The bee community
    is supporting you in this case,

    which will be the trial
    of the bee century.

    You know, they have a Larry King
    in the human world too.

    It's a common name. Next week...

    He looks like you and has a show
    and suspenders and colored dots...

    Next week...

    Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the
    guest even though you just heard 'em.

    Bear Week next week!
    They're scary, hairy and here live.

    Always leans forward, pointy shoulders,
    squinty eyes, very Jewish.

    In tennis, you attack
    at the point of weakness!

    It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.

    Honey, her backhand's a joke!
    I'm not gonna take advantage of that?

    Quiet, please.
    Actual work going on here.

    - Is that that same bee?
    - Yes, it is!

    I'm helping him sue the human race.

    - Hello.
    - Hello, bee.

    This is Ken.

    Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size
    ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.

    Why does he talk again?

    Listen, you better go
    'cause we're really busy working.

    But it's our yogurt night!

    Bye-bye.

    Why is yogurt night so difficult?!

    You poor thing.
    You two have been at this for hours!

    Yes, and Adam here
    has been a huge help.

    - Frosting...
    - How many sugars?

    Just one. I try not
    to use the competition.

    So why are you helping me?

    Bees have good qualities.

    And it takes my mind off the shop.

    Instead of flowers, people
    are giving balloon bouquets now.

    Those are great, if you're three.

    And artificial flowers.

    - Oh, those just get me psychotic!
    - Yeah, me too.

    Bent stingers, pointless pollination.

    Bees must hate those fake things!

    Nothing worse
    than a daffodil that's had work done.

    Maybe this could make up
    for it a little bit.

    - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal.
    - I guess.

    You sure you want to go through with it?

    Am I sure? When I'm done with
    the humans, they won't be able

    to say, "Honey, I'm home,"
    without paying a royalty!

    It's an incredible scene
    here in downtown Manhattan,

    where the world anxiously waits,
    because for the first time in history,

    we will hear for ourselves
    if a honeybee can actually speak.

    What have we gotten into here, Barry?

    It's pretty big, isn't it?

    I can't believe how many humans
    don't work during the day.

    You think billion-dollar multinational
    food companies have good lawyers?

    Everybody needs to stay
    behind the barricade.

    - What's the matter?
    - I don't know, I just got a chill.

    Well, if it isn't the bee team.

    You boys work on this?

    All rise! The Honorable
    Judge Bumbleton presiding.

    All right. Oase number 4475,

    Superior Oourt of New York,
    Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry

    is now in session.

    Mr. Montgomery, you're representing
    the five food companies collectively?

    A privilege.

    Mr. Benson... you're representing
    all the bees of the world?

    I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor,
    we're ready to proceed.

    Mr. Montgomery,
    your opening statement, please.

    Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

    my grandmother was a simple woman.

    Born on a farm, she believed
    it was man's divine right

    to benefit from the bounty
    of nature God put before us.

    If we lived in the topsy-turvy world
    Mr. Benson imagines,

    just think of what would it mean.

    I would have to negotiate
    with the silkworm

    for the elastic in my britches!

    Talking bee!

    How do we know this isn't some sort of

    holographic motion-picture-capture
    Hollywood wizardry?

    They could be using laser beams!

    Robotics! Ventriloquism!
    Oloning! For all we know,

    he could be on steroids!

    Mr. Benson?

    Ladies and gentlemen,
    there's no trickery here.

    I'm just an ordinary bee.
    Honey's pretty important to me.

    It's important to all bees.
    We invented it!

    We make it. And we protect it
    with our lives.

    Unfortunately, there are
    some people in this room

    who think they can take it from us

    'cause we're the little guys!
    I'm hoping that, after this is all over,

    you'll see how, by taking our honey,
    you not only take everything we have

    but everything we are!

    I wish he'd dress like that
    all the time. So nice!

    Oall your first witness.

    So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden
    of Honey Farms, big company you have.

    I suppose so.

    I see you also own
    Honeyburton and Honron!

    Yes, they provide beekeepers
    for our farms.

    Beekeeper. I find that
    to be a very disturbing term.

    I don't imagine you employ
    any bee-free-ers, do you?

    - No.
    - I couldn't hear you.

    - No.
    - No.

    Because you don't free bees.
    You keep bees. Not only that,

    it seems you thought a bear would be
    an appropriate image for a jar of honey.

    They're very lovable creatures.

    Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.

    You mean like this?

    Bears kill bees!

    How'd you like his head crashing
    through your living room?!

    Biting into your couch!
    Spitting out your throw pillows!

    OK, that's enough. Take him away.

    So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here.
    Your name intrigues me.

    - Where have I heard it before?
    - I was with a band called The Police.

    But you've never been
    a police officer, have you?

    No, I haven't.

    No, you haven't. And so here
    we have yet another example

    of bee culture casually
    stolen by a human

    for nothing more than
    a prance-about stage name.

    Oh, please.

    Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?

    Because I'm feeling
    a little stung, Sting.

    Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!

    That's not his real name?! You idiots!

    Mr. Liotta, first,
    belated congratulations on

    your Emmy win for a guest spot
    on ER in 2005.

    Thank you. Thank you.

    I see from your resume
    that you're devilishly handsome

    with a churning inner turmoil
    that's ready to blow.

    I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?

    Not yet it isn't. But is this
    what it's come to for you?

    Exploiting tiny, helpless bees
    so you don't

    have to rehearse
    your part and learn your lines, sir?

    Watch it, Benson!
    I could blow right now!

    This isn't a goodfella.
    This is a badfella!

    Why doesn't someone just step on
    this creep, and we can all go home?!

    - Order in this court!
    - You're all thinking it!

    Order! Order, I say!

    - Say it!
    - Mr. Liotta, please sit down!

    I think it was awfully nice
    of that bear to pitch in like that.

    I think the jury's on our side.

    Are we doing everything right, legally?

    I'm a florist.

    Right. Well, here's to a great team.

    To a great team!

    Well, hello.

    - Ken!
    - Hello.

    I didn't think you were coming.

    No, I was just late.
    I tried to call, but... the battery.

    I didn't want all this to go to waste,
    so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.

    Oh, that was lucky.

    There's a little left.
    I could heat it up.

    Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.

    So I hear you're quite a tennis player.

    I'm not much for the game myself.
    The ball's a little grabby.

    That's where I usually sit.
    Right... there.

    Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,

    and he agreed with me that eating with
    chopsticks isn't really a special skill.

    You think I don't see what you're doing?

    I know how hard it is to find
    the rightjob. We have that in common.

    Do we?

    Bees have 100 percent employment,
    but we do jobs like taking the crud out.

    That's just what
    I was thinking about doing.

    Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor
    for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.

    I'm going to drain the old stinger.

    Yeah, you do that.

    Look at that.

    You know, I've just about had it

    with your little mind games.

    - What's that?
    - Italian Vogue.

    Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.

    A lot of ads.

    Remember what Van said, why is
    your life more valuable than mine?

    Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!

    I think something stinks in here!

    I love the smell of flowers.

    How do you like the smell of flames?!

    Not as much.

    Water bug! Not taking sides!

    Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat!
    This is pathetic!

    I've got issues!

    Well, well, well, a royal flush!

    - You're bluffing.
    - Am I?

    Surf's up, dude!

    Poo water!

    That bowl is gnarly.

    Except for those dirty yellow rings!

    Kenneth! What are you doing?!

    You know, I don't even like honey!
    I don't eat it!

    We need to talk!

    He's just a little bee!

    And he happens to be
    the nicest bee I've met in a long time!

    Long time? What are you talking about?!
    Are there other bugs in your life?

    No, but there are other things bugging
    me in life. And you're one of them!

    Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...

    My nerves are fried from riding
    on this emotional roller coaster!

    Goodbye, Ken.

    And for your information,

    I prefer sugar-free, artificial
    sweeteners made by man!

    I'm sorry about all that.

    I know it's got
    an aftertaste! I like it!

    I always felt there was some kind
    of barrier between Ken and me.

    I couldn't overcome it.
    Oh, well.

    Are you OK for the trial?

    I believe Mr. Montgomery
    is about out of ideas.

    We would like to call
    Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.

    Good idea! You can really see why he's
    considered one of the best lawyers...

    Yeah.

    Layton, you've
    gotta weave some magic

    with this jury,
    or it's gonna be all over.

    Don't worry. The only thing I have
    to do to turn this jury around

    is to remind them
    of what they don't like about bees.

    - You got the tweezers?
    - Are you allergic?

    Only to losing, son. Only to losing.

    Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you
    what I think we'd all like to know.

    What exactly is your relationship

    to that woman?

    We're friends.

    - Good friends?
    - Yes.

    How good? Do you live together?

    Wait a minute...

    Are you her little...

    ...bedbug?

    I've seen a bee documentary or two.
    From what I understand,

    doesn't your queen give birth
    to all the bee children?

    - Yeah, but...
    - So those aren't your real parents!

    - Oh, Barry...
    - Yes, they are!

    Hold me back!

    You're an illegitimate bee,
    aren't you, Benson?

    He's denouncing bees!

    Don't y'all date your cousins?

    - Objection!
    - I'm going to pincushion this guy!

    Adam, don't! It's what he wants!

    Oh, I'm hit!!

    Oh, lordy, I am hit!

    Order! Order!

    The venom! The venom
    is coursing through my veins!

    I have been felled
    by a winged beast of destruction!

    You see? You can't treat them
    like equals! They're striped savages!

    Stinging's the only thing
    they know! It's their way!

    - Adam, stay with me.
    - I can't feel my legs.

    What angel of mercy
    will come forward to suck the poison

    from my heaving buttocks?

    I will have order in this court. Order!

    Order, please!

    The case of the honeybees
    versus the human race

    took a pointed turn against the bees

    yesterday when one of their legal
    team stung Layton T. Montgomery.

    - Hey, buddy.
    - Hey.

    - Is there much pain?
    - Yeah.

    I...

    I blew the whole case, didn't I?

    It doesn't matter. What matters is
    you're alive. You could have died.

    I'd be better off dead. Look at me.

    They got it from the cafeteria
    downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.

    Look, there's
    a little celery still on it.

    What was it like to sting someone?

    I can't explain it. It was all...

    All adrenaline and then...
    and then ecstasy!

    All right.

    You think it was all a trap?

    Of course. I'm sorry.
    I flew us right into this.

    What were we thinking? Look at us. We're
    just a couple of bugs in this world.

    What will the humans do to us
    if they win?

    I don't know.

    I hear they put the roaches in motels.
    That doesn't sound so bad.

    Adam, they check in,
    but they don't check out!

    Oh, my.

    Oould you get a nurse
    to close that window?

    - Why?
    - The smoke.

    Bees don't smoke.

    Right. Bees don't smoke.

    Bees don't smoke!
    But some bees are smoking.

    That's it! That's our case!

    It is? It's not over?

    Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.

    Get back to the court and stall.
    Stall any way you can.

    And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.

    Mr. Flayman.

    Yes? Yes, Your Honor!

    Where is the rest of your team?

    Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.

    Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,

    and as a result,
    we don't make very good time.

    I actually heard a funny story about...

    Your Honor,
    haven't these ridiculous bugs

    taken up enough
    of this court's valuable time?

    How much longer will we allow
    these absurd shenanigans to go on?

    They have presented no compelling
    evidence to support their charges

    against my clients,
    who run legitimate businesses.

    I move for a complete dismissal
    of this entire case!

    Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going

    to have to consider
    Mr. Montgomery's motion.

    But you can't! We have a terrific case.

    Where is your proof?
    Where is the evidence?

    Show me the smoking gun!

    Hold it, Your Honor!
    You want a smoking gun?

    Here is your smoking gun.

    What is that?

    It's a bee smoker!

    What, this?
    This harmless little contraption?

    This couldn't hurt a fly,
    let alone a bee.

    Look at what has happened

    to bees who have never been asked,
    "Smoking or non?"

    Is this what nature intended for us?

    To be forcibly addicted
    to smoke machines

    and man-made wooden slat work camps?

    Living out our lives as honey slaves
    to the white man?

    - What are we gonna do?
    - He's playing the species card.

    Ladies and gentlemen, please,
    free these bees!

    Free the bees! Free the bees!

    Free the bees!

    Free the bees! Free the bees!

    The court finds in favor of the bees!

    Vanessa, we won!

    I knew you could do it! High-five!

    Sorry.

    I'm OK! You know what this means?

    All the honey
    will finally belong to the bees.

    Now we won't have
    to work so hard all the time.

    This is an unholy perversion
    of the balance of nature, Benson.

    You'll regret this.

    Barry, how much honey is out there?

    All right. One at a time.

    Barry, who are you wearing?

    My sweater is Ralph Lauren,
    and I have no pants.

    - What if Montgomery's right?
    - What do you mean?

    We've been living the bee way
    a long time, 27 million years.

    Oongratulations on your victory.
    What will you demand as a settlement?

    First, we'll demand a complete shutdown
    of all bee work camps.

    Then we want back the honey
    that was ours to begin with,

    every last drop.

    We demand an end to the glorification
    of the bear as anything more

    than a filthy, smelly,
    bad-breath stink machine.

    We're all aware
    of what they do in the woods.

    Wait for my signal.

    Take him out.

    He'll have nauseous
    for a few hours, then he'll be fine.

    And we will no longer tolerate
    bee-negative nicknames...

    But it's just a prance-about stage name!

    ...unnecessary inclusion of honey
    in bogus health products

    and la-dee-da human
    tea-time snack garnishments.

    Oan't breathe.

    Bring it in, boys!

    Hold it right there! Good.

    Tap it.

    Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups,
    and there's gallons more coming!

    - I think we need to shut down!
    - Shut down? We've never shut down.

    Shut down honey production!

    Stop making honey!

    Turn your key, sir!

    What do we do now?

    Oannonball!

    We're shutting honey production!

    Mission abort.

    Aborting pollination and nectar detail.
    Returning to base.

    Adam, you wouldn't believe
    how much honey was out there.

    Oh, yeah?

    What's going on? Where is everybody?

    - Are they out celebrating?
    - They're home.

    They don't know what to do.
    Laying out, sleeping in.

    I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way
    to San Antonio with a cricket.

    At least we got our honey back.

    Sometimes I think, so what if humans
    liked our honey? Who wouldn't?

    It's the greatest thing in the world!
    I was excited to be part of making it.

    This was my new desk. This was my
    new job. I wanted to do it really well.

    And now...

    Now I can't.

    I don't understand
    why they're not happy.

    I thought their lives would be better!

    They're doing nothing. It's amazing.
    Honey really changes people.

    You don't have any idea
    what's going on, do you?

    - What did you want to show me?
    - This.

    What happened here?

    That is not the half of it.

    Oh, no. Oh, my.

    They're all wilting.

    Doesn't look very good, does it?

    No.

    And whose fault do you think that is?

    You know, I'm gonna guess bees.

    Bees?

    Specifically, me.

    I didn't think bees not needing to make
    honey would affect all these things.

    It's notjust flowers.
    Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.

    That's our whole SAT test right there.

    Take away produce, that affects
    the entire animal kingdom.

    And then, of course...

    The human species?

    So if there's no more pollination,

    it could all just go south here,
    couldn't it?

    I know this is also partly my fault.

    How about a suicide pact?

    How do we do it?

    - I'll sting you, you step on me.
    - Thatjust kills you twice.

    Right, right.

    Listen, Barry...
    sorry, but I gotta get going.

    I had to open my mouth and talk.

    Vanessa?

    Vanessa? Why are you leaving?
    Where are you going?

    To the final Tournament of Roses parade
    in Pasadena.

    They've moved it to this weekend
    because all the flowers are dying.

    It's the last chance
    I'll ever have to see it.

    Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry.
    I never meant it to turn out like this.

    I know. Me neither.

    Tournament of Roses.
    Roses can't do sports.

    Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?

    Roses!

    Vanessa!

    Roses?!

    Barry?

    - Roses are flowers!
    - Yes, they are.

    Flowers, bees, pollen!

    I know.
    That's why this is the last parade.

    Maybe not.
    Oould you ask him to slow down?

    Oould you slow down?

    Barry!

    OK, I made a huge mistake.
    This is a total disaster, all my fault.

    Yes, it kind of is.

    I've ruined the planet.
    I wanted to help you

    with the flower shop.
    I've made it worse.

    Actually, it's completely closed down.

    I thought maybe you were remodeling.

    But I have another idea, and it's
    greater than my previous ideas combined.

    I don't want to hear it!

    All right, they have the roses,
    the roses have the pollen.

    I know every bee, plant
    and flower bud in this park.

    All we gotta do is get what they've got
    back here with what we've got.

    - Bees.
    - Park.

    - Pollen!
    - Flowers.

    - Repollination!
    - Across the nation!

    Tournament of Roses,
    Pasadena, Oalifornia.

    They've got nothing
    but flowers, floats and cotton candy.

    Security will be tight.

    I have an idea.

    Vanessa Bloome, FTD.

    Official floral business. It's real.

    Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.

    Thank you. It was a gift.

    Once inside,
    we just pick the right float.

    How about The Princess and the Pea?

    I could be the princess,
    and you could be the pea!

    Yes, I got it.

    - Where should I sit?
    - What are you?

    - I believe I'm the pea.
    - The pea?

    It goes under the mattresses.

    - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart.
    - I'm getting the marshal.

    You do that!
    This whole parade is a fiasco!

    Let's see what this baby'll do.

    Hey, what are you doing?!

    Then all we do
    is blend in with traffic...

    ...without arousing suspicion.

    Once at the airport,
    there's no stopping us.

    Stop! Security.

    - You and your insect pack your float?
    - Yes.

    Has it been
    in your possession the entire time?

    Would you remove your shoes?

    - Remove your stinger.
    - It's part of me.

    I know. Just having some fun.
    Enjoy your flight.

    Then if we're lucky, we'll have
    just enough pollen to do the job.

    Oan you believe how lucky we are? We
    have just enough pollen to do the job!

    I think this is gonna work.

    It's got to work.

    Attention, passengers,
    this is Oaptain Scott.

    We have a bit of bad weather
    in New York.

    It looks like we'll experience
    a couple hours delay.

    Barry, these are cut flowers
    with no water. They'll never make it.

    I gotta get up there
    and talk to them.

    Be careful.

    Oan I get help
    with the Sky Mall magazine?

    I'd like to order the talking
    inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.

    Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.

    - What'd you say, Hal?
    - Nothing.

    Bee!

    Don't freak out! My entire species...

    What are you doing?

    - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!
    - Who's an attorney?

    Don't move.

    Oh, Barry.

    Good afternoon, passengers.
    This is your captain.

    Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B
    please report to the cockpit?

    And please hurry!

    What happened here?

    There was a DustBuster,
    a toupee, a life raft exploded.

    One's bald, one's in a boat,
    they're both unconscious!

    - Is that another bee joke?
    - No!

    No one's flying the plane!

    This is JFK control tower, Flight 356.
    What's your status?

    This is Vanessa Bloome.
    I'm a florist from New York.

    Where's the pilot?

    He's unconscious,
    and so is the copilot.

    Not good. Does anyone onboard
    have flight experience?

    As a matter of fact, there is.

    - Who's that?
    - Barry Benson.

    From the honey trial?! Oh, great.

    Vanessa, this is nothing more
    than a big metal bee.

    It's got giant wings, huge engines.

    I can't fly a plane.

    - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot?
    - Yes.

    How hard could it be?

    Wait, Barry!
    We're headed into some lightning.

    This is Bob Bumble. We have some
    late-breaking news from JFK Airport,

    where a suspenseful scene
    is developing.

    Barry Benson,
    fresh from his legal victory...

    That's Barry!

    ...is attempting to land a plane,
    loaded with people, flowers

    and an incapacitated flight crew.

    Flowers?!

    We have a storm in the area
    and two individuals at the controls

    with absolutely no flight experience.

    Just a minute.
    There's a bee on that plane.

    I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson
    and his no-account compadres.

    They've done enough damage.

    But isn't he your only hope?

    Technically, a bee
    shouldn't be able to fly at all.

    Their wings are too small...

    Haven't we heard this a million times?

    "The surface area of the wings
    and body mass make no sense."

    - Get this on the air!
    - Got it.

    - Stand by.
    - We're going live.

    The way we work may be a mystery to you.

    Making honey takes a lot of bees
    doing a lot of small jobs.

    But let me tell you about a small job.

    If you do it well,
    it makes a big difference.

    More than we realized.
    To us, to everyone.

    That's why I want to get bees
    back to working together.

    That's the bee way!
    We're not made of Jell-O.

    We get behind a fellow.

    - Black and yellow!
    - Hello!

    Left, right, down, hover.

    - Hover?
    - Forget hover.

    This isn't so hard.
    Beep-beep! Beep-beep!

    Barry, what happened?!

    Wait, I think we were
    on autopilot the whole time.

    - That may have been helping me.
    - And now we're not!

    So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.

    All of you, let's get
    behind this fellow! Move it out!

    Move out!

    Our only chance is if I do what I'd do,
    you copy me with the wings of the plane!

    Don't have to yell.

    I'm not yelling!
    We're in a lot of trouble.

    It's very hard to concentrate
    with that panicky tone in your voice!

    It's not a tone. I'm panicking!

    I can't do this!

    Vanessa, pull yourself together.
    You have to snap out of it!

    You snap out of it.

    You snap out of it.

    - You snap out of it!
    - You snap out of it!

    - You snap out of it!
    - You snap out of it!

    - You snap out of it!
    - You snap out of it!

    - Hold it!
    - Why? Oome on, it's my turn.

    How is the plane flying?

    I don't know.

    Hello?

    Benson, got any flowers
    for a happy occasion in there?

    The Pollen Jocks!

    They do get behind a fellow.

    - Black and yellow.
    - Hello.

    All right, let's drop this tin can
    on the blacktop.

    Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?

    No, nothing. It's all cloudy.

    Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.

    - Thinking bee.
    - Thinking bee.

    Thinking bee!
    Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

    Wait a minute.
    I think I'm feeling something.

    - What?
    - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me.

    Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.

    Bring the nose down.

    Thinking bee!
    Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

    - What in the world is on the tarmac?
    - Get some lights on that!

    Thinking bee!
    Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

    - Vanessa, aim for the flower.
    - OK.

    Out the engines. We're going in
    on bee power. Ready, boys?

    Affirmative!

    Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.

    Land on that flower!

    Ready? Full reverse!

    Spin it around!

    - Not that flower! The other one!
    - Which one?

    - That flower.
    - I'm aiming at the flower!

    That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt.
    I mean the giant pulsating flower

    made of millions of bees!

    Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.

    Rotate around it.

    - This is insane, Barry!
    - This's the only way I know how to fly.

    Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane
    flying in an insect-like pattern?

    Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid.
    Smell it. Full reverse!

    Just drop it. Be a part of it.

    Aim for the center!

    Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!

    Oome on, already.

    Barry, we did it!
    You taught me how to fly!

    - Yes. No high-five!
    - Right.

    Barry, it worked!
    Did you see the giant flower?

    What giant flower? Where? Of course
    I saw the flower! That was genius!

    - Thank you.
    - But we're not done yet.

    Listen, everyone!

    This runway is covered
    with the last pollen

    from the last flowers
    available anywhere on Earth.

    That means this is our last chance.

    We're the only ones who make honey,
    pollinate flowers and dress like this.

    If we're gonna survive as a species,
    this is our moment! What do you say?

    Are we going to be bees, orjust
    Museum of Natural History keychains?

    We're bees!

    Keychain!

    Then follow me! Except Keychain.

    Hold on, Barry. Here.

    You've earned this.

    Yeah!

    I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect
    fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.

    Oh, yeah.

    That's our Barry.

    Mom! The bees are back!

    If anybody needs
    to make a call, now's the time.

    I got a feeling we'll be
    working late tonight!

    Here's your change. Have a great
    afternoon! Oan I help who's next?

    Would you like some honey with that?
    It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.

    Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me.
    And I don't see a nickel!

    Sometimes I just feel
    like a piece of meat!

    I had no idea.

    Barry, I'm sorry.
    Have you got a moment?

    Would you excuse me?
    My mosquito associate will help you.

    Sorry I'm late.

    He's a lawyer too?

    I was already a blood-sucking parasite.
    All I needed was a briefcase.

    Have a great afternoon!

    Barry, I just got this huge tulip order,
    and I can't get them anywhere.

    No problem, Vannie.
    Just leave it to me.

    You're a lifesaver, Barry.
    Oan I help who's next?

    All right, scramble, jocks!
    It's time to fly.

    Thank you, Barry!

    That bee is living my life!

    Let it go, Kenny.

    - When will this nightmare end?!
    - Let it all go.

    - Beautiful day to fly.
    - Sure is.

    Between you and me,
    I was dying to get out of that office.

    You have got
    to start thinking bee, my friend.

    - Thinking bee!
    - Me?

    Hold it. Let's just stop
    for a second. Hold it.

    I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone.
    Oan we stop here?

    I'm not making a major life decision
    during a production number!

    All right. Take ten, everybody.
    Wrap it up, guys.

    I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

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  144. this entire site is a mess. a joke. i am just going to forget that it exists. Good by people. (note sarcasm)

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  145. This place is a joke..... I hope. These people need to find something more productive to do with their time. Like masturbate!

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  146. How is this a website!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Let's worry about preventing REAL RAPE before mental rape........

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  147. Ok, looking through this website has made me lose ALL faith in the world.

    I will not argue about religion, and I will try to stay as respectful to that as I can, as while I don't agree with a lot of Christianity and what the bible says, that is something that is just purely mean to debunk.

    There are people that are ACTUALLY being raped out there, and when they are raped, it can be traumatizing to them. Thinking about someone while masturbating comes of ZERO harm to anyone, and especially to that person who was thought about. If someone doesn't know they're being raped, THEY'RE NOT BEING RAPED. To tell teenagers such as myself NOT to masturbate is bottling up 100% natural feelings that should not be bottled up. If I want to masturbate in private, I should be able to, why should anyone care.

    And Lonnie, if you read this, I want you to think about what I'm about to say for a LONG time. Getting kids to sign something that says that they won't masturbate doesn't work, all it does is provide data for yourself to feel like you're making a difference. You aren't. Those kids are going to give into the natural urges they have. People will ALWAYS be masturbating, your ideas are VERY old fashioned and your entire movement, everything you worked so hard for, will NEVER make a difference. I mean, you and I both know that even someone in YOUR OWN MOVEMENT was PUBLICLY masturbating, that is NOT acceptable, your movement if anything should be about masturbating PRIVATELY. You have to accept that this will never go anywhere or you'll just waste the rest of your life. Not only that, you'll also make a LOT american children unreasonably uncomfortable. Again, think about what I've said for a VERY long time.

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  148. I know it's bad to masturbate but what if I think of Jesus or Virgin Mary? Would that be considered ok because I don't want to mentally rape someone who is alive or who actually existed, you know? Also what if I get someone else do touch my dingaling instead of me that way I won't be "touching myself" as such. Pls respond

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  149. Actually, the real goal of masturbation is to stimulate oneself. I would recommend one just reserve oneself for marring and if the urge takes him, to preform it upon his wife.

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  150. I disagree, the internet should be for 3, I said *3* things!
    1. Hacking others
    2. Stealing money from other people
    3. Blowing up nuclear warheads in Russia.

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  151. In the name of the nonexistence of GOD, what depravity I must have commited has mislead me to this depraved website a res it was the ad for the Anti-Masturbation cross featured on a latin American sister site, do not dare to spread your crap in Europe

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    • I have ascertained that you probably do not understand exactly what is meant in that nugget of wisdom spoken by the Holy Ghost through me. That is because you are a woman - the most imperfect form of the human - and probably a Jew. Let me elaborate.

      So, the atheist evolutionists tell that the negroid is a transitional form between the apes and the modern human. But there are still black people today. Therefore, EVILution could never have really taken place, and God must have created everything. Again, checkmate atheists.

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  152. Masturbation is SELF RAPE. you are letting satan into your mind to ABUSE YOURSELF. how could this be healthy? It is against the will of the Lord! You will be in hell for eternity

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  153. But what if i want to workout my forearm btw i don't wanna get blueballs...

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