Masturbation Made Illegal In All 50 States

Supreme Court decision makes Tina's Law the law of the land

The scourge of masturbation is now on its death throes as the efforts of Brother Lonald “Lonnie” Childs and a recent decision by the Supreme Court has made “Tina’s Law” mandatory in all 50 states. “Tina’s Law”, named after black singing sensation Tina Turner has made masturbation illegal with fines, imprisonment and forced registration on the sex offender list.

Brother Lonnie has been long ready for this day and has already made appointments to the Council of Morality which enforces Tina’s Law. Members of the council include non-masturbating hipped-hopped rhymer MattyB, Christian TV superstar Josh Duggar, former Patriots kicking sensation Adam Vinatieri, the ghost of John Wayne, August Weisz and other lesser known deacons.

NFL kicking sensation on short list of candidates for South Dakota's Council of Morality
NFL kicking sensation now on the National Council of Morality.

We are aware that this news will be met with skepticism and outright lies from the agents of Big Masturbation so we encourage you to take the “Tina Challenge”.  Go masturbate in front of a police officer and see what happens.

Christians are encouraged to spy on their family, friends and neighbors in order to monitor their masturbation habits and to film any acts of self-rape to be turned over to the Council of Morality as evidence of criminal activity.  The Council will view said footage many, many times and feverishly pray long and hard to best determine a proper punishment.  After fifteen minutes of rest they shall watch the footage again while praying long and hard again to make sure the ruling is just.  Brother Lonnie’s Christian Unified Militia or CUM for short will then carry out the sentence in accordance to the Council’s wishes.

In a prepared statement Brother Lonnie spoke to the faithful: “Since I was a youth of 15 when mother caught me masturbating to a picture of black singing pop superstar Tina Turner I have dreamed of nothing else but the eradication of masturbation. Today that dream is a reality.  This is for the children of America.  From now on when parents consider masturbating it is my hope that they think of their children.  Tina…we did it! Praise!”

 

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Carlos Danger
About Carlos Danger 18 Articles
Staunch anti-masturbation Christian soldier and former lifelong Echo & the Bunnymen fan until I learned the dangers of secular music. Brother Lonnie saved me from a life of homoerotic servitude in which I was paid with food items from McDonald's value menu. I co-founded Christians Overcoming Carnal Knowledge (or COCK) to help former homogays test their firm commitment to a heterosexual lifestyle. I enjoy Gladiator movies, Top Gun and Christian fellowship with Latino men.

19 Comments on Masturbation Made Illegal In All 50 States

  1. Carlos, how can you be a "former lifelong Echo & the Bunnymen fan"? Does that mean that you've died and returned? On a side note, are you going to be attending this week's circle jerk? I'm going to be standing next to Liam (aka Lemmy from Motorhead) he needs a little bit of added support what with the mess we made on his hat and everything, please tell him that it still looks good on him and DON'T mention that jism residue that the dry cleaners couldn't quite get out, he's super sensitive. I'll be stroking his sin stick, but you can stand next to me and stroke mine, and lonnie or milton can stroke yours. We'll save each other from the sin of self rape. And of course, cathy REDMOUND will be on hand to clean up the mess and truffle will be there to revive our sin sticks so that we can get down to the business of DEEP anal exploration. Oh, I can't wait!

    Praise

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    • I look forward to the swift fury of your justice towards the self-rapists. You are wise, just and all powerful Deacon Weisz.

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      • Carlos, I want to peel off that sexy eye patch and skull fuck you in your eye socket. I think that you would have more brains in your skull with my swimmers floating around your skull than you've got now!

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    • The fuck is wrong with you?? Of you don't like peoplte masturbating then kill yourself (please chose this option) or get he fuck out believe me when I say no body will miss you lol

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  2. Praise! I am a soldier of CUM and I stand united ready to punish the sinning self rapists. I have bene watching masturbation videos of family members all day for the last few weeks as preparation for my role in CUM.

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    • I hope I get appointed to the Council of Morality so I may judge harshly based on video evidence. Praise!

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  3. Merle, you look like you just got off of the movie set of "DELIVERANCE 2"! If i see you at the circle jerk tonight I'm going to make you squeal like a pig while i rape your fat cracker ass!

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  4. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IDbe4Y9Mr4

    I saw the gap again today,
    While you were begging me to stay.
    Take care not to make me enter
    If I do we both may disappear.

    You know that I will choke until I swallow...
    Choke this infant here before me.
    What is this but my reflection?
    Who am I to judge or strike you down?

    But you're pushing and shoving me. [8x]

    You still love me, you still love me but you didn't need to shit on me.
    You still love me, you still love me and she didn't mean to pushit on me.

    Rest your trigger on my finger,
    Bang my head upon the fault line.
    You'd better take care not to make me enter.
    'Cause if I do we both may disappear.

    But you're pushing, shoving me. [2x]
    You're pushing and shoving me
    You're pushing and shoving me
    You still love me, you still love me, she didn't mean to pushit on me.
    You're pushing and shoving me
    You're pushing and shoving me

    I'm slipping back into the gap again.
    I'm alive when you're touching me,
    Alive when you're shoving me down, hey

    But I'd trade it all for just a little peace of mind.

    Pushit on me [4x]
    You're pushing and shoving and scrambling... keep my feet flat on the ground.

    I am somewhere I don't wanna be
    Push me somewhere I don't wanna be.
    Put me somewhere I don't wanna be.
    Seeing someplace I don't wanna see.
    Never wanna see that place again.

    Saw that gap again today
    While you were begging me to stay.
    Managed to push myself away,
    And you, as well, my dear

    If when I say I might fade like a sigh if I stay,
    You minimize my movement anyway,
    I must persuade you another way.

    Pushing and shovin', pushing and shoving, push at me!
    There's no love in fear.

    Staring down the hole again.
    Hands are on my back again.
    Surviving is my only friend.
    Terrified of what may come.

    Just remember I will always love you,
    As I claw your fucking throat away.
    It will end no other way.
    It will end no other way.

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