The scourge of masturbation is now on its death throes as the efforts of Brother Lonald “Lonnie” Childs and a recent decision by the Supreme Court has made “Tina’s Law” mandatory in all 50 states. “Tina’s Law”, named after black singing sensation Tina Turner has made masturbation illegal with fines, imprisonment and forced registration on the sex offender list.
Brother Lonnie has been long ready for this day and has already made appointments to the Council of Morality which enforces Tina’s Law. Members of the council include non-masturbating hipped-hopped rhymer MattyB, Christian TV superstar Josh Duggar, former Patriots kicking sensation Adam Vinatieri, the ghost of John Wayne, August Weisz and other lesser known deacons.
We are aware that this news will be met with skepticism and outright lies from the agents of Big Masturbation so we encourage you to take the “Tina Challenge”. Go masturbate in front of a police officer and see what happens.
Christians are encouraged to spy on their family, friends and neighbors in order to monitor their masturbation habits and to film any acts of self-rape to be turned over to the Council of Morality as evidence of criminal activity. The Council will view said footage many, many times and feverishly pray long and hard to best determine a proper punishment. After fifteen minutes of rest they shall watch the footage again while praying long and hard again to make sure the ruling is just. Brother Lonnie’s Christian Unified Militia or CUM for short will then carry out the sentence in accordance to the Council’s wishes.
In a prepared statement Brother Lonnie spoke to the faithful: “Since I was a youth of 15 when mother caught me masturbating to a picture of black singing pop superstar Tina Turner I have dreamed of nothing else but the eradication of masturbation. Today that dream is a reality. This is for the children of America. From now on when parents consider masturbating it is my hope that they think of their children. Tina…we did it! Praise!”