4 Risky Ways Masturbators Are Seeking The ‘Ultimate Thrill’

These poor normals were just hit with blowback from a deviant Roller Jerker. Lonnie willing Roller Jerking will be wiped out by 2098.

The average masturbator sates their ungodly urges by self-raping while viewing pornographic images or watching sex films on the internet featuring people not copulating for procreation. As we have learned from the comments on this very netsite, the more desperate masturbator will get their kicks whacking and rubbing to just about anything; including news stories condemning the very action they are committing against themselves. But, nothing can prepare you for the extreme tier of masturbators that require something dangerous in conjunction with their self-flagellation.

Extreme Tier Masturbation


#4. Skyself-raping

Skyself-rape 1

“Skyself-raping” is the euphemistic name given to the act of masturbating on the highest surface possible. Typically, this act happens on the top of a skyscraper or very high bridge; hence the “sky” part of “skyself-raping”. These depraved masturbators typically get their start by masturbating on the top of a desk or the roof of their tenement building; then progressing to the nearest city to try their hand at the tall buildings there.

I spoke to Brother Bono Reznor at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts about “skyself-raping” as he’s lived in both Dubai and Las Vegas. “Dubai is really the epicenter of this problem,” Brother Bono said. “With so many tall buildings there, it’s the top masturbation tourism location for skyself-rapers. In fact the Burj Khalifa tower’s top floors were so coated with dried semen that Tom Cruise nearly refused to shoot his scenes for Mission Impossible there and a week long cleaning had to occur before he’d set foot in the building.”

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas; unless you are a Skyself-rapist and you feel the need to share your deviancy with the world.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas; unless you are a Skyself-rapist and you feel the need to share your deviancy with the world.

Brother Bono also stated Las Vegas is another top destination for sky-selfrapers. “Not a day goes by where someone doesn’t successfully sky-selfrape on top of the Stratosphere tower. Since there are rides on the top, it also tends to attract Roller Jerkers as well. It’s well known by locals that you do NOT go up there in fear of catching something from all of the sin seed everywhere.”

Chicago recently learned the hard way that Sky-selfraping is no laughing matter. As we covered on this netsite, sky-selfrapers flocked to a new “viewing skydeck” at the Willis Tower. The skydeck was clearly not built to handle the gallons of spilled sin seed and it caused the glass to break and risked the lives of not only masturbators but normals on the streets below.

The “unbreakable” glass on the Willis Tower “Skydeck” clearly was not tested with the extreme tier masturbator in mind.


#3. Roller Jerking

Roller Jerking 1

Imagine for a moment that you couldn’t get weak in the knees by reading the King Lonald Holy Bible and instead could only get that feeling while self-raping at 40+ MPH while sitting in a car. If that was true for you, you would not be a devout Lonvidian; you’d be a pathetic Roller Jerker. Roller Jerkers have been around since the comeback of roller coasters in the early 1970s. Fresh off of the “free love” nonsense of the 1960s, the drug addled hippies needed a new high and found it during the second golden age of roller coasters.

Roller Jerking became an increasingly worse problem ever since the amusement parks began using a steel design for their tracks. As the Roller Jerker is careless, when they reach their shameful climax, their sin seed goes everywhere. A good deal of sin seed started to build up on the tracks and compromised the integrity of the steel. From the 1970s onward, a growing problem began with car derailments and the amusement park industry tried to cover up the problem and blame it on “operator error” or other equally contrived falsities.

This deviant Roller Jerker just finished doing the Devil's Deed. Shameful.
This deviant Roller Jerker just finished doing the Devil’s Deed. Shameful.

Enter Lonnie Childs in 1996. Brother Lonnie, in conjunction with the Found For A Better Tomorrow spend just under two years speaking out on the dangers of unrestricted Roller Jerking in our nation’s amusement parks. After much lobbying and a great deal of dead drops in city parks the ‘Roller Jerking Act of 1998’ was passed into law. The act put the burden of responsibility on the amusement parks to regularly clean their tracks to prevent dangerous semen build up. Despite the effort by Lonnie Childs, Roller Jerkers still discuss their deviancy on the world wide web with no regard for the law.

Childs wisely knew that trying to control an extreme masturbator at the theme park level was never going to work. However, when the parks inevitably failed to keep up their end of the bargain, the parks would start to gradually close over the next 100 years. Stacked up violations at the “Six Flags” park in the sin den of New Orleans was forced to close in 2005 and was submerged under water to hide the shame of what had gone on there. Roller Jerking is still a problem, despite Brother Lonnie’s hard work, as evidenced by a derailment just the other day that we covered on this netsite. However, Brother Lonnie willing, all amusement parks, except for the Childs Youth Procreation Adventure Theme Park, will be closed due to violating the Roller Jerking Act by 2098.

These poor normals were just hit with blowback from a deviant Roller Jerker. Lonnie willing Roller Jerking will be wiped out by 2098.
These poor normals were just hit with blowback from a deviant Roller Jerker. Lonnie willing, Roller Jerking will be wiped out by 2098.


#2. Beastbating

Beastbating 1

Potentially the most depraved way an extreme tier masturbator “gets off” is the practice of “Beastbating”. Beastbating comes in two distinct forms. Passive Beastbating is a situation where the sick individual puts themself in a cage or enclosure to protect them from dangerous animals and then does the deed. Active Beastbating, the more putrid version, is where the masturbator uses the animal to manipulate their sex organs for them. Typically bulls or dolphins are used in Active Beastbating for reasons that likely only make sense in the twisted mind of the deviant.

Passive Beastbating goes all the way back to the creation of the United States back in year 0001. The colonials would build big wooden crates out in the woods and then cover the ground in raw meat to attract bears and mountain cats. The colonial deviant would then self-rape inside the crate while the large, dangerous animal was just mere inches away from them. As time progressed, inventions such as the shark cage and plexiglass allowed the more discriminating deviant to up the ante and be able to do their dirty deed in new environments. Passive Beastbating, despite the enclosure, may seem safe, but wild animals are unpredictable as evidenced by the recent documentary film, ‘Dawn of the Planet of the Apes’, and putting your safety in the hands of a wild beast is a recipe for disaster.

Classic modern day form of Passive Beastbating.
Classic modern day form of Passive Beastbating.

Active Beastbating also goes back to the beginning of time, 2014 years ago. Ever since a deviant noticed the slick surface of the dolphin or the soft, soft fur of the bull; Active Beastbating has become a problem. The dolphin form of Active Beastbating is typically reserved for world leaders and rich deviants (really the same thing when you think about it). The more blue collar form of Active Beastbating takes place in locales like Mexico, Spain and Snow Mexico with their “running of the bulls” festivals that glorify this abhorrent form of sexual deviancy. Active Beastbating is even more dangerous because typically bulls are not on board with this and will turn against the deviant masturbator in at least 66.7% of the cases. Whenever you hear the Big Masturbation controlled media talk about a “death at the running of the bulls” it’s really another Active Beastbating casualty that they are covering up and blaming on the animals. Shameful.

Some disgusting rich deviant (pictured) who can only achieve masturbational success by having a dolphin self-rape him.
Some disgusting rich deviant (pictured) who can only achieve masturbational climax by having a dolphin self-rape him.


#1. Wankquesting

Wankquesting 1

Easily the form of extreme masturbator with the highest instant fatality rate is the “Wankquest”. From January 1st, 0001 until January 31st, 0001 America had some wildmen living here as caretakers until the normals from the Old Country arrived to claim more surface area for Jesus to spread his teachings. Those caretakers would do a lot of drugs and then wander out into the desert to die. They called this trek a “vision quest” and it was the main reason their numbers were so small when the Americans arrived to take over running things here.

The early caretakers of America. (Photo taken January 9th, 0001)
The early caretakers of America. (Photo taken January 9th, 0001)

At some point, despite the shameful nature of the vision quest, deviant masturbators adopted that deadly event into their repertoire of extreme tier masturbation. Unlike the original version, the “Wankquest” involves the masturbator setting out into the woods or desert with only a knapsack loaded with lubricants and printed pornography. They tell no one they are heading out to do a Wankquest to add to the level of danger and excitement.

As one would guess, with no food or water, the Wankquester typically dies of masturbation induced dehydration within a few hours. Almost any time you hear of a body being found in the middle of nowhere, it is the carcass of a deviant Wankquester. Our mysterious caretakers did a lot of weird stuff during the month this land was theirs back in January, 0001 – so it’s best to not attempt to recreate ANYTHING those guys did. The common Lonvidian is aware of this, but leave it to the masturbator to open Pandora’s Box of sin.

Enjoy Hell, Wankquester.
Enjoy Hell, Wankquester.
About Cathy Redmond 104 Articles
Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

16 Comments on 4 Risky Ways Masturbators Are Seeking The ‘Ultimate Thrill’

    • It’s cancer like this that is killing society. I urge everyone on this website, please, take your own life or failing that, sterilize yourself. Please. For humanity.

  1. And lets not forget drugs, when i need to masturbate i need drugs so bad, jesus praise paracetamol and morphine.

  2. Dubai makes one of the best ‘Minced and chopped mother covered by her own fetus’.
    God praise Dubai for their chicken omelettes.

    • They must have started doing that after I was secreted out of the country by Lonnie’s people. None of that kind of disgusting stuff was allowed when I was living there.

  3. I do not recognise this beautiful flat Earth that white Jesus created, anymore. Heathens are turning it into a foul cesspit. They will burn in hell, for sure!

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