Residents of the small Trinity Pines community in Northern California were shocked to learn the cause of a forest fire that destroyed 15 acres of land in early July. The fire, called the ‘West Fire’ by fire officials, was started on July 1st and burned for two days before being contained. When all was said and done, two trailers and an outbuilding burned along with 15 acres of otherwise fertile ground. California fire officials immediately began an intensive investigation into the ‘West Fire’ as weather conditions were favorable, making arson a potential cause of the blaze.
Investigators focused on one of the trailers, assumed to be the epicenter of the inferno, and what they discovered inevitably supported evidence long since proven by the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow. Amongst the burned out wreckage of the trailer was the charred exoskeleton of a personal massage device and some partially destroyed pornographic magazines. Fire officials, working in conjunction with local law enforcement, put out an all points bulletin for the owner of the trailer, one Shawna Cole (24) of Hayfork, California.
Within 48 hours, the Trinity County Sheriff Department was able to track down Ms. Cole at a local marijuana trap house in Hayfork and she was arrested and formally charged with illegal drug possession as well as “reckless endangerment that led to the destruction of property”.
Kevin Ross, spokesman for the Trinity County Sheriff’s office issued a statement to local press late Friday afternoon. The Sheriff’s statement outlined that while charges were to be filed against Ms. Cole, “it was likely careless masturbation practices that led to the blaze. We are viewing this incident as accidental and are not pursuing formal arson charges against Ms. Cole. Witness statements corroborate Ms. Cole’s own admission that the generator she used to power her personal massager was poorly maintained and regularly sparked during intense usage. We do believe had Ms. Cole not masturbated that afternoon, the ‘West Fire’ would not have occurred.” As some of the land burned in the fire was Federal land, it is unknown at this time if additional charges will be filed against Ms. Cole by the United States Forest Service.
Faith Researchers at the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow have warned that masturbation is the leading cause of wildfires in the United States. “The US Forest Service and State Fire Agencies never pay attention though,” said Faith Researcher Lawrence White. “We’ve tried numerous times to let them know that deviants that live in the woods are usually into such sins as marijuana play and masturbation, but our faith facts tend to fall on deaf ears. We’ve proven several times now that 97% of all wildfires are caused by masturbation and masturbation related activities. Only a mere 2% are caused by weather and campfires and of course we leave the 1% margin of error for fires caused by God when he’s angry.” White hopes more incidents, such as the ‘West Fire’, get better coverage in the media to draw more attention to the hard work he and his fellow faith scientists have been doing for decades.
White concluded, “We hope that before too long, whenever there is a forest fire, the first thought – even before putting the fire out – will be tracking down the degenerate masturbator that made it happen.”