Residents of the small Trinity Pines community in Northern California were shocked to learn the cause of a forest fire that destroyed 15 acres of land in early July. The fire, called the ‘West Fire’ by fire officials, was started on July 1st and burned for two days before being contained. When all was said and done, two trailers and an outbuilding burned along with 15 acres of otherwise fertile ground. California fire officials immediately began an intensive investigation into the ‘West Fire’ as weather conditions were favorable, making arson a potential cause of the blaze.
A ‘personal massager’, like this one, being used improperly is believed to be the cause. (photo credit: Lt. Col. Brian Calder / FFABT)
Investigators focused on one of the trailers, assumed to be the epicenter of the inferno, and what they discovered inevitably supported evidence long since proven by the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow. Amongst the burned out wreckage of the trailer was the charred exoskeleton of a personal massage device and some partially destroyed pornographic magazines. Fire officials, working in conjunction with local law enforcement, put out an all points bulletin for the owner of the trailer, one Shawna Cole (24) of Hayfork, California.
Within 48 hours, the Trinity County Sheriff Department was able to track down Ms. Cole at a local marijuana trap house in Hayfork and she was arrested and formally charged with illegal drug possession as well as “reckless endangerment that led to the destruction of property”.
Kevin Ross, spokesman for the Trinity County Sheriff’s office issued a statement to local press late Friday afternoon. The Sheriff’s statement outlined that while charges were to be filed against Ms. Cole, “it was likely careless masturbation practices that led to the blaze. We are viewing this incident as accidental and are not pursuing formal arson charges against Ms. Cole. Witness statements corroborate Ms. Cole’s own admission that the generator she used to power her personal massager was poorly maintained and regularly sparked during intense usage. We do believe had Ms. Cole not masturbated that afternoon, the ‘West Fire’ would not have occurred.” As some of the land burned in the fire was Federal land, it is unknown at this time if additional charges will be filed against Ms. Cole by the United States Forest Service.
Faith Researchers at the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow have warned that masturbation is the leading cause of wildfires in the United States. “The US Forest Service and State Fire Agencies never pay attention though,” said Faith Researcher Lawrence White. “We’ve tried numerous times to let them know that deviants that live in the woods are usually into such sins as marijuana play and masturbation, but our faith facts tend to fall on deaf ears. We’ve proven several times now that 97% of all wildfires are caused by masturbation and masturbation related activities. Only a mere 2% are caused by weather and campfires and of course we leave the 1% margin of error for fires caused by God when he’s angry.” White hopes more incidents, such as the ‘West Fire’, get better coverage in the media to draw more attention to the hard work he and his fellow faith scientists have been doing for decades.
White concluded, “We hope that before too long, whenever there is a forest fire, the first thought – even before putting the fire out – will be tracking down the degenerate masturbator that made it happen.”
97% of all forest fires are caused by masturbation. (photo credit: Mr. Lawrence White / FFABT)
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU
Could you please speak up? I’m not certain everyone on the Worldwide Web heard you.
Masturbation is fun. Life is too short not to have an orgasm everyday. Thank science and biology for masturbation.
PS – There is no god, no heaven or hell. When we die, we die and go back to being potential energy. Nothing more.
i will speak for dave, WHATTHEFUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS SITE,
BLAMING ALL THE SHIT FOR MASTURBATION IS LIKE BLAMING THAT A CAT CAN JUMP BECAUSE DOGS POOP OR THAT A BOAT WILL FLOAT BECAUSE SHEEPS ARE ANIMALS IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENCE AND LONNIE CHILDS IS A PEDOPHILE WHO RAPES AND FAPS TO KIDDY PORN!
This article just made my day. Magnificent use of satire.
If only a meteorite had struck her. All this wanton destruction so she could ring her Devil’s Doorbell? It’s no surprise she hemp bongs the Devil’s Lettuce as well. What’s California’s stance on the death penalty?
This is why all instruments that could be possibly used to sinfully please ones genitalia, should be banished from this mortal realm.
Amen.
We should cut off their hands, that’ll stop them.
For more tips on masturbation go to http://www.adultfriendfinder.com
God doesn’t care if we masturbate or not: He’s too busy giving AIDS to African babies.
African babies are giving the Aids to themselves from masturbating. Their parents need to be taught how to Finger sniff’ test them and purchase a wankie blankie. The Aids can be avoided.
Seriously!!! that cant be true, i hope you are joking for fuke sake, what has aids have anything to do with masturbationg, nothing!!
fucking idiots exactly what the fuck is wrong with society do people not realize that several hundred years ago it became a medical condition that cause severe bodily harm and infections if females did not masturbate do your fucking research assholes.
Well, to answer your question, masturbation is exactly what the [obscenity redacted] is wrong with society.
Thank you sister Cathy! Praise!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA !
Nice fake article !
That’s quite funny !
ahahahahhaha !
Those Christian who try to be more “Jewish-like” than hard line Jewish always made me laugh ! As if they were stuck to the Old testaments, completely ignoring the second one.
Remember : Onan was not punished for masturbating but for not wanting to have sex with his brother’s wife he could not bear.
This article has nothing to do with bear wives. Can you even read?
Sometimes I wonder if people think before making websites. These guys didn’t.
Sometimes I wonder if people think before making comments. This guy didn’t.
You’re right. You clearly didn’t.
Do you guys even know anything about AIDS? About Virology? About Human Physiology? You would do well to learn even the basics about science, the scientific method, and the proper way of reporting of results and citing your sources. This religious fanaticism is the death of progress; all you are doing is spreading misinformation, lies, and making it more difficult for people to find the actual truth. Case in point, the spree of parents not vaccinating their children because they are listening to idiots like Jenny McCarthy (pornstar, turned activist.. people really listen to what she has to say on… Read more »
How dare you accuse the saintly Jenny McCarthy of being a “pornstar”. She is nothing of the sort. Your claims and false accusations on someone of her godly stature are preposterous. Also all of the Faith Graphs on this netsite are tabulated by research from the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow. It’s a real think tank that is trying to change the world for the better. Also, calling Sister Cathy a “loud-mouth” is absurd. She is the softest spoken Sister I have yet to meet. I’ve never even seen her get remotely excited about anything. Just goes to show you… Read more »
Jennifer Ann “Jenny” McCarthy is an American model, television host, comedic actress, author, and anti-vaccine activist. She began her career in 1993 as a nude model for Playboy magazine and was later named their Playmate of the Year.
I sure would like to get into Jenny McCarthy’s head and know what she’s thinking! But first I’d like to get inside her mouth and maybe some of her nether-regions. I’d fill her up with some of my knowledge that’s for sure!
I must have caused at least one forest fire somewhere at this point
Alerting the authorities now.
Keep up the good work guys, I love laughing at your articles! 😀
I still can’t tell if this site is satire or real
It’s far more real than you are, faker.
Masturbators hate trees because trees cant masturbate.
Moral of this story: stick with battery operated masturbation devices! lol
If she read her Bible and ignored the siren song of self-rape this supernatural disaster would have been avoided completely!
Some people are so naive Masturbation isn’t a sin. Its self love and can be fun.
It’s self-abuse and will lead you straight to Hell.
This is all pathetic. All activist need to stop pushing others
to to follow their opinion. All a bunch of bull shit
Agreed, rev peter, my dear Brother in Christ. These pathetic masturbators are so desperate for validation that they will say literally anything in order to get people to follow their opinions!
Praise be to the FSM (blessed be His Noodly Appendage), this truly made my day!
Yes indeed, the Devil makes work for idle hands, and it usually involves some warming lube. Thank you for this Cathy Redmond, whoever you are.
This is all obvously a bunch of lies and bullshit. Like some one already stated it is healthy to masturbate every now and then for health reasons. Thats why toys were created and used because women loooonnng time ago would into doctors complaing of head pain and other numerous symptoms. They literally used toys to ‘get them off’ to ‘cure’ them. I belive in God but i don’t belive in being part of a religion and you guys that run this website show excatly why.
¿Pray? This is a nice fake news…
I will celebrate this fire with a furious masturbation
Is this real life? I live near Hayfork and masturbate often. Am I going to hell?
Yes.
some people in the comments are so stupid lol, masturbation is a perfectly normal and healthy thing to do that can actually in some cases cure certain pains, also the graph states god only makes 1% but he supposidly controls all, he would control people whether or not they masurbate, he would control weather, he’d control the flames from a campfire, he would control 100% of fires if he actually existed, if you want to believe in god thats fine, but when people post lies and try to make people believe what they do rather than what the person wants… Read more »
Masturbators sicken me. Their filthy little habit harms others, as this article proves.
This article is so fake. Look Lonnie, I’m sure you masturbate and just want to keep everybody else from it. Give me one actually valid reason why masturbation can harm you. And BTW: the fire in southern California was discovered to be caused by an oven that was left on.
P.S. An epicenter has nothing to do with a fire, it is a term for the center of an earthquake.
Nobody is falling for your prank.
Dear Science, Please help others to see the light and understand that with you, nothing would be possible. You have made our understanding of the world much more realistic that is not stuck in superstitious beliefs.
Classic appeal to scLIEnce logical fallacy. Praying at you now.
What the hell are they plastering all over face book and everywhere else about this fire! You should be ashamed of yourselves… That was in a private moment and they ran with it! Hoe FUCKING STUPID!!!!
This just made my day. The only thing that concerns me is that there are people out there that are this closed minded. Have fun with your prostate cancer you judgmental dooshe canoes.
Agreed, Brian, my dear Brother in Christ. Masturbators are the most closed minded “people” around.
Seriously? Is this article a real perspective? Or meant to be funny? Masturbation is natural and normal.
There’s nothing “normal” about self-rape. You sicken me.
I thought of masturbating the other day and The Lord God King of the Universe smote my hand clear fucking off! Praise be! And now I’m beginning to have a thought about placing my tongue on some broad’s lady junk and &!?@”…
What a news of the day, very peculiar but true and why on earth she’s not careful enough to use it, clean and maintain. It’s for her own good. Wahhhhh masturbation is the key.
I almost believed this was supposed to be a serious article until I got to this part…”Faith Researchers at the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow have warned that masturbation is the leading cause of wildfires in the United States.” Then I knew it had to be a joke…either that or it was written by a moron for other morons. The leading cause of forest fires that is caused by humans is carelessly extinguished fires or discarded cigarette butts; the leading natural cause of forest fires is lightning. Masturbation causes nothing but orgasms and stress relief.
Denise, did you not read the article? Masturbation caused this supernatural disaster.
Exactly, Lonnie. Denise missed the part that Ms. Cole was masturbating with an electronic masturbation device that was powered by a generator that sparked, causing the blaze. Had Ms. Cole refrained from masturbating the fire would have never happened.
Praise.
No, It didn’t
This is the funniest website I’ve seen in a long time. I thought David Icke was batshit crazy but you anti wankers are in the premier league of fruit cakes. Keep up the good work it’s very entertaining.
David Icke is a visionary, to be sure. But B.L.U.F.F. has uncovered the truth about Herptilians (which Icke wrongly identified as “Reptilians”). More info to come soon!
Agreed