Several unrepentant masturbators almost plunged to their deaths earlier today from the Willis Tower in Chicago. Five years of semen buildup on the “Skydeck” viewing boxes proved too much for the structural integrity of the ledge and the supposed “unbreakable” glass was compromised. Authorities were not commenting freely on the nature of this attack on America’s infrastructure but one can easily deduce this was no accident.
A recent study by The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow backed up this incident with additional proof that the caustic nature of non-normal semen on any surface would lead to it’s eventual failure. A spokesperson for the FFABT added, “With the increase of public masturbation during the Obama Administration, it was only a matter of time before something like this happened. We sent our study to a variety of sites we felt were soft targets being sought by masturbators, including Willis Tower in Chicago, but it appears Big Masturbation’s influence prevented our warning from being heeded.”
Unfortunately, Willis Tower staff was able to safely escort the masturbators from the ledge before any met their just and inevitable fate. Willis Tower staff and local authorities tried to downplay this attack on America as “normal” and part of the “design” of the ledge, but this author wonders which spokesman for Big Masturbation wrote that press release.
Officials re-opened the Willis Tower “Skydeck” shortly after this incident. However, we at Stop Masturbation Now strongly urge all normals to avoid this sin ledge at all costs. Praise!