Officials speculate that an attempt to join a fictional ‘club’ of masturbatory achievement has led to a small plane crashing off the coast of Jamaica on Friday. Many details are still unknown, however it is now confirmed that the doomed flight left Rochester, New York this morning and became “unresponsive” about an hour and fifteen minutes later. Jamaican officials have confirmed the plane crashed 14 miles off the northeast coast of Port Antonio, Jamaica.
Keith Carter FaAeEng., an expert on faith aeronautical engineering at The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow, said, “It seems likely this is a case of masturbation at high altitude gone wrong. Joining the so-called ‘Mile High Club’ is something many extreme tier masturbators aspire to. However, many are not prepared to the affects of masturbating in a confined space. Just as passengers are warned about DVT when flying long distances, the same risks apply to the reproductive organs. In a case such as today’s, more than likely the pilot was engaging in unsafe masturbation and either passed out due to the altitude or threw a clot in his reproductive organs. In either case, the plane would definitely become ‘unresponsive’ and we are just fortunate the aircraft came down safely in the ocean and no normals were injured.”
These types of aeronautical disasters do happen, as evidenced by the 1997 case of John Denver that our writer, Milton Grits, recently detailed on this holy netsite.
As details are still coming in, the facts of this doomed flight may change; however, as of now Dr. Carter’s theory remains one of the most likely causes of this unfortunate incident.