9/11 Was an Inside Handjob

What really happened on 9/11? The answer… may surprise you.

 

Today, we mark the 13th anniversary of the September 11, 2001 attacks which brought this nation to its knees (homogays were already there, of course). Like the Kennedy Assassination, we all remember where we were the moment we heard the news. Most of us were in the middle of our morning masturbation session, caught by the terrorists with our pants down just like they hoped.

The majority of Americans smugly assume to have long since settled the details of these events. The LIEberal media has its official version of the story and—with the exception of conspiracy theorists on the lunatic fringe—that story is regarded as dogma. We at B.L.U.F.F. have always known something was amiss in the popular narrative, but couldn’t quite put our finger in it. New intelligence has recently been reconnaissized, however. And what we found… might shock you.

Who was behind the attack on the Twin Towers? Two words: Bush and Dick. You read that right. It turns out that, as we suspected, Big Masturbation was responsible for orchestrating and carrying out the destruction of the World Trade Center all along. FaithScientists and FaithHistorians have developed the “9/11 Splooge” [set of] FaithFacts. This is not a theory for, as we know, theories are always false. Sploogers (as we prefer to be called) infallibly believe that Big Masturbation covertly funded a terrorist cell in the Middle East called JIS (Jews, Islamists, and Satanists) who carried out the attacks. Their purpose in so doing was to create a pretext for war in order to secure the vast underground semen reserves in that region.

no_more_blood_for_splooge
The 9/11 Splooge Movement

As our own Cathy Redmond recently reported, semen is caustic to steel and wood. There were no planes involved, contrary to popular belief and Popular Mechanics. The supposedly hijacked jets witnesses claimed to have seen crash into the buildings were nothing more than a mass demonic hallucination giving cover to the true culprits: a vile band of Satanic self-raping Semites. Suicide sploogers from JIS placed strategically throughout the towers stroked their sin sticks in unison, causing the structure to collapse in on itself in one giant ejaculatory explosion. FaithEngineers refer to this as ‘Controlled Dissemination’.

The 9/11 Emission Report digs deeper still. Big Masturbation and JIS were not working alone. Their efforts were aided and abetted at the highest levels of the otherwise godly U.S. government by the Herptilians – a secret and ancient race of Satanic serpent beings descended from the talking snake in the Garden of Eden who himself originally came to our planet from the one non-normal/negro hole which we now know exists (re: SMN Faithscience Editor Thomas Kelly’s recent write-up). Many celebrities and politicians are shape-shifting Herptilians, appearing as normals outwardly, but inwardly full of sin and STDs. Herptilians derive their name from the Greek word “herpein”, which is the root word for herpetology, the study of reptiles and amphibians. It literally means “to creep”. As you may have guessed, it is also the root word for human herpesvirus. There’s something they don’t want us to know. Need further proof of this connection? Take out a dollar bill and place it in your hands. When you fold it several times and hold it up to the light, you’ll notice that it’s green. Just like snake skin.

Herptilians be creepin’, alright. They lurk in dark corners, reveling in evil imaginations, awaiting the day that the Herpetic Legion will achieve world domination and enslave us normals. I myself encountered one in my B.C. (Before Childs) days, before I was baptized in Brother Lonnie’s Golden Shower of love and forgiveness and, subsequently, acquired my Christian name. The days I look back upon with profound shame and regret. When I used to get drunk on alcohol, have unprotected sex with women, and use the f-word. On one of the these fateful nights, I met former country singer Taylor Swift at a bar. The rest is church history. This professional music video should explain my once-masturbatory manner of life well enough.

Warning: NSFW (Not Safe For Women).

 

Taylor Swift Reptilians
Taylor Swift: Herptilian?

A future report will explore the motives and workings of the Herpetic Legion at length. Suffice it to say, if you encounter a celebrity or politician who looks like the one pictured to the left, avoid having sexual relations with her, if possible.

While the justification for war was based on a lie, George W. Bush was still a wonderful 43rd president, and I, for one, continue to fully support the invasion of Iraq and Afghanistan. The dark-skinned segment of the world population was growing at an alarming rate and needed to be thinned out a bit.

#NEVERFORGET

About Dr. Cornelius Felcher 11 Articles

Dr. Cornelius Felcher, J.O. is the chief medical correspondent for Stop Masturbation NOW Ministries. Dr. Felcher specializes in Preventative Masturbatory Medicine. His motto is, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of sperm.” He has been called the Mehmet Oz of masturbation, the Sanjay Gupta of self-rape, the Drew Pinsky of diddling, the Joseph Mercola of jacking off. Dr. Felcher earned his online degree in Biblical Biology from Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts (B.L.U.F.F.), a WASP-accredited reactionary arts college in Safford, Arizona. He is a fully licensed and certified GP (Godly Practitioner) with additional training in TCM (Traditional Christian Medicine), homogayopathy, supernaturopathic medicine, sackupuncture, and various other forms of Sinless Christian Alternative Medicine (SCAM).

17 Comments on 9/11 Was an Inside Handjob

  1. I’m glad someone isn’t afraid to speak the truth to the people who need to hear it most. Wake up sheeple! STOP Masterrorbation NOW!

  2. Incredible! Now we can ad Herpetilians to the incredibly long list of our many, many enemies.

    Praise Dr Feltcher,even though I just found out about Herpetilians I always knew it was was the Herpetilians, even when it was the Masturbators, I knew it was the Herpetilians.

  3. On a serious note I am very disgusted by this. I was looking throught this website and laughing (because we know it’s fake), but reading this article is horrible. It’s one thing to make fun of someone for masturbating. But saying 9/11 was because of it, is tormented. So many innocent people died and to direspect them with this is maddening. Think about what you people are doing before you start saying or writing something.

  4. This is a shame that you dare compare this tragedy to a fake (and very stupid) lie to make you organization look better. Shame on you all. Remember 9/11 of the 3 separate locations that had planes crash and the valiant people who fought on the Pennsylvania flight and the brave fire fighters at the Twin Towers as well as the heroes at Pentagon who helped the injured. Shame on you for making this corrupt lie, you should be dammed to hell.

  5. Henry Cork (which I’m assuming is what you plug in the back while you’re working the front), you need to let go of your masturage. Lonnie can you forgive you, but you need to let him in first. He’s a gentleman. He won’t force himself into your heart. He will legislate his morality on the nation, however, and I fear for your freedom and safety when he does. Nevertheless, it is just a foretaste of what’s to come in the afterlife, when Satan makes you his sex doll. No, sir, it is you who is damned to hell. Your projections and deflections only serve to further vindicate our preachments. You are angry because you know we know that you know that you don’t know the truth.

    Praying at you!

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