Attempt to Cremate 500lb Masturbator Burns Down Crematorium

HENRICO-VA (SMNNN)

Alfonzo (last name withheld) died last week of masturbatory semen toxemia, a horrible condition caused by years of shameless and compulsive self-rape, which causes it’s victims to inflate with excess semen due to an over-stimulated sin-center in the masturbatory cortex. Alfonzo suffered from this disease for weeks until he died on September 30, 2014.

In accordance with the (name withheld) family, who are devote Branch Lonvidians, Alfonzo was set to be cremated, as his shameful medical condition rendered him unpure, and unfit to enter the Virginia Lonnistian Mega-Temple in Exeter, VA. Unfortunately the massive corpse of Alfonzo, which weighed in excess of 500 lbs, proved too much for the crematorium to handle, setting the building aflame.
VA fire

” The fire burned white-hot, and 700′ flames could be seen all the way in Watertown, CT.” Said Henrico Fire-chief “Gumpy” Schlomo. ” This whale must have gone up like a Matchlight-log. The roof of the place was on fire, and it was made of ceramic bricks. ”

The fire burned the building to the ground. It is believed that the immense amount of semen in Alfonzo’s corpse accelerated the fire to horrible levels.
VA fire 3

About Thomas Kelly 62 Articles
Thomas Kelly, SMN Faithscience Editor, is the Dean of several B.L.U.F.F's, as well as the preeminent authority on Faithscience. In addition these lofty titles, he is also a powerful wizard, and holds over fifty non-secular PHDs.

11 Comments on Attempt to Cremate 500lb Masturbator Burns Down Crematorium

      • Actualy it is a very healthy process it seems that some people are horribly uneducated or at least misinformed and masturbating does not make you dumb. I am a Christian myself and I understand these concepts it seems that you are just a very close minded person, who is grossly misinformed please do some research, and it is not self rape if you are doing this to yourself you are doing it consensually in most cases. You along with all writers of this website really should do some LEGITIMATE research.

        • Also, “Semen toxemia” along with many other, dare it say “retarded” words that you writers add in are merely made up.

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