The Big Masturbation Conspiracy: Preliminary Findings
In keeping with the Mission of the Patriot Act, the Department of Homeland Security has organized a joint study and collaborative relationship among elements of the FBI, CIA, and the Stop Masturbation Now Ministry. The purpose of the study is to determine the extent of Big Masturbation’s influence in the lives of Americans through the media, government, which includes law enforcement and the judicial process, the advertising community, and education.
This study is ongoing, but certain findings have been de-classified for release to the public in keeping with the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA.Stat 80.250, eff 1967-07-05.)
Big Masturbation is defined as the elements of society which include, but is not restricted to, those enterprises, groups, and cults, promoting the dangerous practice of self rape of one’s own genitalia for the purpose of seminal or vaginal expulsions of bodily fluid, or in short, release.
The assessment of threat has concluded that Big Masturbation has adverse effects on the moral, physical, and emotional well being of individuals and in turn, society as a whole. Self rapists spread disease from the before mentioned ejaculate dissemination, human contact with others and masturbation apparatus which affect the level of mind alteration during the specific act which increases the girth and propulsion of said ejaculates.
Also, the psychological impulses of the self rapist mind are to spread and condone the act of masturbation with children, the poor, and weak-minded individuals whose emotional state leaves them susceptible to self rape.
In conclusion, the study is ongoing and encompassing, having identified the said elements of Big Masturbation and its attempts to ruin the lives and psyche of American citizens. The reach of Big Masturbation can only be describes as tentacled, crab-like, not all that dissimilar from the growth of cancer.