Recent declassified documents released by NASA have been obtained by Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts (B.L.U.F.F) and The Foundation For a Better Tomorrow (F.F.A.B.T) . The documents, which date to the Regan administration, may hold the key to unlocking the mystery of The Gay.
The 1378 page document, obtained from a highly credible source, is one of the many logs from the much lambasted, but entirely successful, yet highly secretive, Star Wars Space Defense space/military complex, a joint U.S.A and U.S.S.R orbital research program, designed to acclimate man to space combat. The document, stored on a micro-film, contains the entire log of a study done on cosmonauts in July of 1985.
Cosmonauts were given huge amounts of intravenous LSD, and placed in a holding cell. Scientists then yelled at them, encouraging them to masturbate profusely. The results were disturbing, to say the least, but a postmortem examination revealed and increase in the size of the pineal gland (long ago proven to be the gay-glad) as well as significant skeletal damages.
Using spectrophotometry, it was conclusively proven by NASA, that the U.S.S.R had indeed conclusively proved that space-masturbation did indeed cause a fatal case of genetic damage-induced The Gay.
Unfortunately, science was not ready for these findings, and being childish, Big Science ordered a full media blockade of the findings of the brave cosmonauts who died, and the genius patriots who found these findings, forcing President Ronald’s noble hand. He released a statement on 4 Aug, 1985: ” Oh. Um. Wheel. I um. Have to say, that stuff my boys said about the Space Gay…Wheel, I guess it’s retracted now.”
Janitor at the time, but now CEO of a notable refuse company, Paul Horner recalls that fateful night: “The President then calmly exited the stage. But once backstage, he took off his neck tie, a sure sign that there would be hell to pay. Reagan then phoned the CIA, and had them conference call him with Big Science, and Gorbachev, and he made them promise to reveal the information in 40 years. Man was he mad, I’ve never seen a man get so red in my life. I still get nightmares from thinking about it.”
Upon receiving and reviewing the document, foremost authority on all matters of Faithscience and Anti-masturbation Knowledge, Dean and noted Wizard of B.L.U.F.F, Prof.Dr.Rev.Wiz.Bro Thomas Kelly had only this to say: ” The document looks legit, but who can say? These are dangerous times, it could be fake. I will need to run many tests, each more expensive than the last.”
Brother Lonald Childs, CEO of B.L.U.F.F and modern prophet was unavailable for comment, but sent us a “like” on Facebook.
NASA however, was less forthcoming, as it stated: ” No (we do not wish to be involved because we are still angry about being hushed for 40 years).” NASA has reluctantly agreed to handover all declassified documents, stating that they regularly do so, and have ” We have no secrets. We are NASA. You want documents? TAKE THEM! GET OUT!!!” said NASA Chief Administrator Charles Bolden.
And so, even though it has been conclusively proved, using science, Big Science once more stands in the way of progress. However, in light of pending information declassification, they can only hold off progress for so long.