Grand Opening: Childs Youth Procreation Adventure Theme Park

A new procreation-themed learning park for Christian children will open Friday at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts compound resort in Arizona. Childs Youth Procreation Adventure is designed specifically for children as young as 3 to learn about the dangers of masturbation and Homogayness.

“The Christian procreation park completely embodies the idea of creating an environment focused on fun and eroticism to teach the youngest of kids the thrill and joy of same race procreation,” said Jacob Franklin, BLUFF Youth Minister.

The park offers features celebrating Brother Lonnie’s vast history of fighting masturbation and other forms of sexual perversion. Open every weekend of summer, the park welcomes all local Christians of normal ethnicity. The boys can look forward to exquisite superior gender attractions such as the Brazilian Twerk Off, Dancers For Money Room, The Bear Hunt, Brother Nikita’s Homogay Safari and much more. The girls will take a tour of the Menstruation Hut, attend a lecture on Procreation Positions, visit the Cat Milking Factory and assist in preparing brunch hosted by our proud sponsor – White Castle. All kids will have an opportunity to have their picture taken with SMN ministries famed mascot Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin.

“We were very excited when Brother Lonnie approached us to build a themed Procreation Park,” said Roddy Black, public relations and marketing manager for Adventure Story Time. “We looked at several other theme parks in and outside of the U.S. and really wanted to create a unique atmosphere that reflects Brother Lonnie’s passion for promoting healthy sexual behavior in children. With all of the horrible perversions our kids are exposed to under Obama’s reign of terror, we thought the theme was a natural fit. I can’t wait for my daughters on opening day to have the chance to learn how to please their assigned same race husband while getting to know more about the teachings of our savior and modern day prophet.”

For tickets and directions to the park, please contact our staff @

Dancers For Money Room, Bear Hunt, and Procreation Positions are only a few attractions available to small white children visiting Childs Youth Procreation Adventure.

-Nikita Shalavin, homogay conversion therapist and high deacon at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts (B.L.U.F.F.)



About Nikita Shalavin 15 Articles
I used to live a lie. I was a leader of a Russian Prison Homogang and have once put a 12 gauge shotgun inside of myself on a dare. Brother Lonnie has saved my soul and shown me a new way to live.

85 Comments on Grand Opening: Childs Youth Procreation Adventure Theme Park

  1. I for one cannot wait for all these kids to be taught about family values in a safe and loving environment.

  2. this website contains every reason why i dont believe in organized religion. You people are fucking disturbed

  3. The top photo had some rather dark children attending??? Are you sure my children will be safe???

    • Steve you will be glad to know that a special security team will be assigned to supervise the non-normal children. We felt like this would be a great opportunity for some of the parents to get involved in our Skin Bleaching for Jesus program.

  4. Yes steve! Non-normal skinned children often come to these festivities to learn how to be normal again!

  5. Dear god please forgive these ignorant white people who have hate and lust in their heart and put them on the right path to showing and raising their children the right way and not the way this place is offering please also help them to see that they are teaching prejudice, sex, and hate is not the way to live and if possible please help those poor children who are subjected to seeing this and help them to understand they do not have to follow these “Christians” for you are all about love no matter ethnic, size, gender, and/or how much money a person makes. Hate is not something a human being is born with but is something that is taught! In Jesus name AMEN

    • “Dear god please forgive these ignorant white people…”

      If you weren’t such an uppity racist black man you’d see the wisdom of this youth park and all the good it does for children who need to be taught goodness. What difference does it make if many of us Lonvidians are white? You have to bring race into it. smh

      • I am a white, christian woman, you racist pig! How can this at all be good mentally and physically for those children? Yall need god! May he have mercy on yalls souls and hope he saves those children and shuts that place down AGAIN! GOD MADE HUMANS THE WAY THEY ARE this sickens me soooooooo much

        • If you come to the compound and work through our 16-week lesbian conversion therapy de-programming program, you’ll be able to get past this rage you feel that makes you act like an angry uppity black man. Not only will you be able to start acting like a normal, you’ll also be eligible for a same race normal spouse assignment when you complete the program.

  6. There is no compound resort in Arizona for Lonnie brothers or what ever. Google it. Bing it. Yahoo it. You only get their website/facebook

    • Yes there is. We try to fly under the govt radar as we have had issues with them in the past.

      • Exactly, Brother Leonard. I’m not sure what “No.” expects to find when using Bing. Typically if I want to find, say, the 700 Club, I would Bing it and get their website and Facebook page. Clearly this “No.” person is just yet another disinformation agent paid for by Big Masturbation to try and disrupt discussion here on Lonnie’s netsite.


        • Praise you, Sister Cathy! I also googled “no” and didn’t find anything about him or her either. So, using the logic presented above, “no” must not exist.

      • There is a reason for that it isn’t for children! You people need god in your life stop and repent you ugly ways stop worshipping a false profit he isn’t god and isn’t jesus! This is putting your children in evils hands!

        • There you go show those real true colors show the world what you all really are evil! I can’t believe you all claim to be christian using hate to teach children sshame on all of you and anyone who’s following these nut jobs hope yall get shut down again! This is wrong I really hope some how yall truly find god

        • There you go show those real true colors show the world what you all really are evil! I can’t believe you all claim to be christian using hate to teach children sshame on all of you and anyone who’s following these nut jobs hope yall get shut down again! This is wrong I really hope some how yall truly find god

          • What are you some kind of a narc? Stop snitching and get off our holy netsite masturbator! Your sex life is wrong pervert, I really hope you find Lonnie. Praise.

    • Won’t happen. The law is on our side. Lonnie plays cards with P.J. Hammond, Safford Chief of Police.

      • So the law is on your side huh then why was he saying they shut him down before idiots

        • Because, P.J. Hammond was not yet Safford Chief of Police when that happened. Lonnie didn’t play cards with the previous Chief of Police.

          And if you think this is the first time I’ve been called an “idiot” online or in daily life you are sorely mistaken, Sir and/or madam.

    • You will burn in hell if you keep up this calamity of a racket you’re raising on here. We at the Westboro Baptisit Church fully support this program, the self rape has to stop! we have to give these children a helping hand and get those demons out of there by force! the children are the future!

  7. I am not for this at all… its like a major contradiction with the values of religion and fucking… ummmm wtf (pls dont get on me for cussing like a trucker this is hardly the issue).. and they wonder why this world is so jacked up… ya ok lets make it worse by starting at the impressionable ages… good shit… pffft i am disgusted n I am a fan of gore of horror and this makes me want to puke.. oh wait i just did.. yepp… YOU APPROVE OF THIS YOU ARE WHATS WRONG IN THE WORLD AND YOU SHOULD STOP POSTING IN HERE AND GO PRAY FOR YOURSELF FOR THIS BULLSHIT!!! WE DONT NEED ANY MORE CREATION… MOTHER NATURE has shown us enough destruction and WE NEED TO STOP THIS SHIT NOW!!! I await ur comments… please do share with me how I am going go to a place that I have already been too…

    • Abigail you don’t make any sense, which is typical of a chronic masturbator. Please try to calm down and explain what is it that you are really trying to say.

  8. What the fuck is wrong with you people
    I have been sitting here laughing my head off at how absolutely ridiculous I actually think this website is and I am a very catholic person. Masturbation is good for you, as is sex, And anyone from any ethnicity or background, or any skin colour, deserve equal rights.

    • Catholics are way too liberal condoning masturbation. Otherwise, I agree. Non-normal kids deserve a chance at happiness. Hence our complimentary skin bleaching treatments for all new converts! Praise!

      • Yall are sick! And need GOD!!!!! NOT Lonnie!!!! What in the world? If this wasn’t wrong why on earth would I be considered a snitch? God made people the color that they are you sick fools repent your ways and turn to God may he have mercy on your sinning souls!

        • God didn’t create tanning salons, the Jews did. Michael Jackson was the first non-normal to prove that skin bleaching works miracles. Please calm down and turn to Lonnie, may he have mercy on your masturbating soul.

          • Who cares about the tanning salons that has nothing to do with the issue of trying to make people change their race and Micheal Jackson didn’t bleach you idiot he got third degree burns from a show which engorged his face

          • Poor M.J. agreed to be the test case for the faith scientists to try out their skin bleaching. Thanks to M.J.’s sacrifice the advancements they made in skin bleaching make it so pretty much someone of any skin color can now reach “Lonnie pale” levels in short order. Praise Faith science!!!

          • Also, the show caused Michael Jackson’s face engorge?

            Engorge – verb. cause to swell with blood, water, or another fluid.

  9. you shallow minded racist fucks! you need to get bak into the real world. every man is equal regardless of skin colour. an if a kid wants to bust nut they’ll do it, its human nature to explore new things your body included!

  10. You guys are exploiting Gods name for rubbish, backward, impractical and irrational beliefs!
    Don’t tell me there is a scientific basis for all this, cus I’m hell sure there’s more than just science to prove that all of you need psychiatric help.
    I doubt even if you stopped masturbation, you guys are waaaaaay beyond being able to be fixed.
    God help you and your productive beliefs.

    • Finally – a supporter among the sinners. Thank you for referring to our beliefs as productive, and not judging us for following our savior, the one True Lonnie. Perhaps you would like a tour of the Campound?

        • Double Blasphemy!!!!!!!! How dare you question the divinity of our lord and savior Brother Lonnie Childs! He is a saint among man and a former state wrestling champion! Show a little respect!


  11. I’m excited to hear Justin Bieber’s performance at the opening ceremonies. One of the servant children we have tasked with tending to his needs while on the campound said he has something special planned for Friday.


  12. Where is the bible does it say to do any of this? Someone please show me a verse. I’m a 17 year old girl who is baptist and this is one of the most disturbing thing I have ever seen. I have 8 siblings who are all younger and I would not like to see my 7 year old little sister see any of these women dressed like this. We need to start getting back to the basics of Christianity. The way of salvation is through Christ alone.

    • You do see this is written by one our dominant gendered males, correct? Remember 1 Timothy 2:12 – I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet.

      I would advise you not to try and question the authority of a male – this is clearly against God and he will punish you righteously for it.

    • Calm yourself down, silly masturager. Save that anger for when Satan is poking you in the brown sin cave for an eternity.

      • Truffle knows. That is exactly what will happen. Satan will surgically remove your sin sword and then use it to poke your sin cave for the rest of time. UNLESS you take the pledge and join Lonnie by accepting his golden shower of love and forgiveness and ceasing your discusting masturbatory ways.

  13. I’ve been working really hard with the youth construction teams to make sure everything is ready for tomorrow. It’s looking really good and after 87 straight hours of labor we’re giving the children a 45 minute break for some nourishment. I think if all of the children work throughout the night everything will be set for the Grand Opening Ceremony. It’s really exciting to see a plan like this just come together so quickly; this theme park is clearly a labor of love.

  14. I’ve been working hard (pun intended) on teaching people the benefits of jerkin your gherkin. Plus it feels AMAZING. Clean up is a bitch though

  15. אני כל כך מזל שאתה אנשים רוצים לקחת את זין בתחת והפולחן מישראל את כל החרא שעשינו עד הזמן שאכילת פטריות במדבר ניפוץ תינוקות על קרייג ומתנהג כמו כולל יוונים רצח הם שרצים פסיכופטית זמן אתה עבדים

    • Nope! Any sexual experience that occurs consensually by all parties is not rape. Have fun masturbating!

  16. Take me to church I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies, I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife, offer me that deathless death and good God I will give you my life!

  17. You guys are fucking funny as shit!!!!!! I masturbated while perusing your website!!!! Keep up the good work.

  18. What do y’all mean by “assigned”. I saw how the one person said that they can’t wait for their daughters to learn how to please their assigned same race husband. What does that mean, is this like arranged marriages or something? Also what kind of sick parent lets their small child go to a Prostitution Theme Park? That’s messed up. Which religion promotes this kind of pervertedness for children? I know of catholic priests who love perverted things for children but I didn’t think that the rest of that religion was like that. Also, what the heck is Homogayness? Please enlighten me about these things.

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