Hillary Clinton Uses Inside Powers to Shut Down Father’s Day

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Hillary Clinton, Former State Senator, First Lady and Playboy’s Miss December, 1974.

CNNT) — Hillary Clinton may not be in power these days – but she still commands an army of self-raping fans. Even some of them were shocked this week when she reported that, as of Saturday, June 14th, 20014, Father’s Day is officially canceled.

“I don’t see any reason why we continue to promote and support such a ridiculous and sexist holiday. I believe it is in the best interest of this country to put this celebration behind us. Why should we celebrate men? It’s not like they don’t get a blowjob from women they barely know almost every chance they get,” Hillary stated in West Virginia at a press conference. “This has nothing to do with my own husband, who could also never keep his fu%$#@g d#@k in his pants.”

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Bill Clinton, seen here on the set of Blade Runner 2:Electric Boogaloo, in the part originally played by Rutger Hauer.

Insiders note that Hillary had been seen drinking heavily at the bar with Kristin M. Davis previous to the conference. Davis is a former madam, famous for having run a high-end prostitution ring in New York City that offered its services to several high-profile clients, including Eliot Spitzer, Alex Rodriguez and David Beckham. When asked about the relationship between the two women, Hillary declined to comment, only stating that “There are going to be some *hic* changes around this GOD DAMN HOUSE.”

Hillary’s husband, former President and thoroughly ridiculed Bill Clinton, was asked his thoughts on his wife’s new steps into the sexist arena. “Wait, who are we talking abou- oh, yes. Hillary. My wife that I love dearly. Of course, yes, I know her, and we live in the same house all the time. Yes, this is terrible, and I am going to get to the bottom of this.”

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BigLarry works at LonnieDale Farms, a wholesome and christian establishment that provides nutritious cat milk to all of our followers. Big and Bold, Larry doesn’t mess around when it comes to Jesus, and he doesn’t let anyone mess with Lonnie. Praise.

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