SMNNN (WASHINGTON D.C.)
Weather.com reports rain and thunderstorms in the Washington D.C. today, following the landmark decision by the Supreme Court to recognize gay homosex marriage and queerosexual unions, and to disobey the Lord and his holy wishes, ultimately ushering in the Rapture, signifying the beginning of the end of the world as we know it.
The rain and thunder were said by local Lonvidians to be “a sure sign of (the rapture)” and “probably ( the tears of a weeping God, because we all have made him sad by disobeying him, and now we’re all probably gonna get the Hells)”. Lonvidians speculate the thunderstorms to follow the light rain will be holy manifestations of “Gods anger”.
B.L.U.F.F faithscientistians, and The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow predict the acceptance and encouragement of gay marriages will quickly become mandatory, ushering in an even more frightening era of Bestiality.
Dr Skippy Enis, local noted Faithexpert has already recorded a 10,000% increase in masturbation since the shameful announcement from the Supreme Court doomed our entire country to burn forever in eternal agony. Said Dr Enis ” Woe is me! Woe is me! (unintelligible) (glass shattering noise). ” before throwing his office chair through the window and leaping to the ground, tearing off his lab coat, and running into the woods.
Lonnie Childs was not available for comment, as he is currently mourning this great shame in his 150 room subterranean blast-proof fortress., and is in deep meditation. But he did send a note out to the press:
” These are dark times. I know I’ve said it before, but this is… this is like go time. The monkey flies with the fox. The phone is for you. Please take my seat.”
Which, may or may not be a call for violent overthrow of the establishment and enactment of a Holy war upon these Satanic heathens and their heresy.