Shia Labeouf Self-Raped at Art Exhibit

Los Angelos, CA- (SMNN)

Actor Shia Labeouf, known for movies such as Even Stevens and Transformings 4: Rise of The Batman, told pretty much anyone who would listen, that he was a victim of self-rape at an art exhibition.

During the exhibition, Labeouf wore a paper bag on his head that read “I Am Not Famous Anymore”, and sat in a circle and allowed spectators to do whatever they wished to do to him.

” I was doing the arts, and then this woman, um I think, yeah I’ll go with that, woman, walked up and beat me in the legs with a table-leg for like twenty minutes or something. I could barely remember it, but I know I couldn’t control myself because of the pains and things. So I self-raped. (cries hysterically). And to make things worse, it was Valentines Day, or maybe St. Europe’s Day, and my girlfriend was next in line and she saw it all.
I haven’t been this embarrassed since I was almost killed by a robot’s balls in Transformers 1 or 2, or one of them.” Said a distraught Shia Labeouf.

Labeouf then stated he grew a massive beard out of shame in a half-hearted attempt to regain his forfeited manhood. Says local bearded hero Cassidy Pen, ” He still looks like a woman. Pathetic really…”

About Thomas Kelly 62 Articles
Thomas Kelly, SMN Faithscience Editor, is the Dean of several B.L.U.F.F's, as well as the preeminent authority on Faithscience. In addition these lofty titles, he is also a powerful wizard, and holds over fifty non-secular PHDs.

8 Comments on Shia Labeouf Self-Raped at Art Exhibit

  1. 2 things:
    1. Fake
    2. Uhh, Thomas, you can’t get 50 PhDs, took me EIGHT years to get ONE. I doubt you are 400 years old.

    • Eight years wasted, little buddy. I spent those eight years spanking my monkey. What is the point of a PHD, anyway? Something to wave around while shouting: “Look, look, I’m more educated and better than you, Neener Neener Neener!”, while proceeding to put your own head between your legs, fart and go aaaaahhhhhh!! At least you are not some uneducated dirtbag like those proles who have to search through trash cans and need to sleep on benches in the streets, right? You are an educated left-wing progressive who will one day lead your people to glory!

      Protip: The “your people” isn’t the actual poor people you claim to be fighting for, it is your fellow rich middle/upper class Che Guevara worshipping “gets offended by everything pseudo-feminist” latte loving “sexy female video game characters are worse than female genital mutilation in the third world” champagne sipping “liberal” hipster “progressive” friends.

      Enjoy your Limousine, white boy.

      • Seriously dude? I went and got a PhD so I could work at NASA and out food on the table. And why do you assume I’m white? I just said I don’t think he has 50 because it took me 8 years to get 1. And what makes you think I’m a Republican? Quite the opposite I’m democrat.

    • Are you attempting to assail my many, many qualifications, and potentially besmirch my outstanding reputation as a Disciple of Lonald Childs, his very self?

      How dare you state I am less than 400 years old! I shall have you know I am a highly magical, and influential magus of faith. Unlike you at the NASA, I don’t spend my days staring into the sky and looking at the twinkling stars, I work for a living, buddy.

      I earned each and every one of these non-secular PHDs I have bestowed upon myself.

      Good day to you, possible atheist,

      • Impossible to live 400 years, and magic doesn’t exist. And I don’t look up into the skies, I’ve worked for years on mission control, ever hear about Spirit and Oppurtunity? I worked on them, I helped design them, oh yeah, I am doubting your “achievements” where did you get your PhDs anyway? I got mine a nice little college called Yale.

  2. I masturbate at least once a day, if not more, at all sorts of places: at home on the couch, in bed, in the shower, public bathrooms, at work, basically everywhere whenever I feel like it. I’ve been doing this for years now and I’ve never been sick, the worst I got the past couple of years is a common cold. I also watch porn on a daily basis and nothing bad has ever come from that.
    It is absolutely nonsense that masturbating causes diseases or even death.
    I hope that if you’re reading this and you never jerk off, you’ll try it, it will really open your small minded mind.

    Also, “self rape”? Are you crazy? Do you even know what rape is or what impact it has? You’re saying that masturbating feels bad and it’s against your own will while you’re doing it yourself out of free will and interest, that just doesn’t make any sense.
    You should be ashamed using the word “rape”, with that you insult all rape victims over the world and everyone who masturbates.

    Wake up people and use your common sense instead of a website solely build to keep you from having a good time and hence force you to rely on things like religion.

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