Los Angelos, CA- (SMNN)
Actor Shia Labeouf, known for movies such as Even Stevens and Transformings 4: Rise of The Batman, told pretty much anyone who would listen, that he was a victim of self-rape at an art exhibition.
During the exhibition, Labeouf wore a paper bag on his head that read “I Am Not Famous Anymore”, and sat in a circle and allowed spectators to do whatever they wished to do to him.
” I was doing the arts, and then this woman, um I think, yeah I’ll go with that, woman, walked up and beat me in the legs with a table-leg for like twenty minutes or something. I could barely remember it, but I know I couldn’t control myself because of the pains and things. So I self-raped. (cries hysterically). And to make things worse, it was Valentines Day, or maybe St. Europe’s Day, and my girlfriend was next in line and she saw it all.
I haven’t been this embarrassed since I was almost killed by a robot’s balls in Transformers 1 or 2, or one of them.” Said a distraught Shia Labeouf.
Labeouf then stated he grew a massive beard out of shame in a half-hearted attempt to regain his forfeited manhood. Says local bearded hero Cassidy Pen, ” He still looks like a woman. Pathetic really…”