One of the biggest questions that we get here at STOP Masturbation NOW is, “How can I urinate without becoming a sinner?” Rest assured, good man! There are a number of ways to urinate and still be in good-shape come time for the Rapture.
Before we get into the actual act of relieving one’s self, let us cover a couple basics first.
- If you are urinating in a public building, see if you can use the cripple’s-only restroom. They tend to be cleaner, are void of prying-eyes from homosexuals who may want to look over the divider and, best of all, the cripples can’t use it. This will force them to use the regular restroom, which in turn will make them feel more like a regular person, which has been the goal of all handicaps since their movement began.
- Upon entering the restroom (public or private) make sure to wash your hands first! Remember that anything on your hands can be transmitted to your baby-maker. By using hot water and quality anti-bacterial soap, you will rid your hands of any STD pathogens that you may have touched with your hands, leaving your private areas disease free.
Now that you are in the privacy of the handicap restroom or your own personal bathroom at home, it’s time to get to it. The SMN approved method in this situation is to sit down while you pee. This is the easiest, most hygienic and most fool-proof method of relieving yourself. Why risk touching yourself to aim when gravity can do all the work for you? The process is simple: walk up to the toilet, lift the lid, sit down and go! When you are done, stand up and pull-up your pants. So simple, even a masturbator could do it!
Other times you may be at a Christian Rock concert or picketing the funeral of a masturbator and there is no sit-down toilet available. When sitting down is not an option, you will have to use the SMN-approved standing method. In this instance you will have to touch your private parts in order to aim. We recommend only touching the base of your organ, as it is the least sensitive and therefore least sinful. After you are done urinating, make sure to shake-off the drips of excess urine. Masturbators always do the “shake” as a back and forth motion and some even shake their pee-pee up and down. This is wrong and can lead to an unwanted erection. The correct way to perform “the shake” is to manipulate your member from side-to-side. The Faithfact is that it is impossible to masturbate by using this motion. When doing the side-shake in public, you may offend those next to you. If they are offended, it is only because they are masturbators and don’t know any better. If your neighbors’ constant bitching about your side-to-side shaking presents a problem, simply make your way back over to the sink where you washed your hands and continue the side-to-side shake there.
We hope you learned a something! Remember: if you aren’t doing it the SMN way, you are doing it wrong!