Ancient Rome Destoyed by Masturbators, Says New Faithscientific Evidence

Archeological Evidence Adds Much Needed Credibility

Ruins of the once almost-great race of Ancient Roman Sodomites.
Ruins of the once almost-great race of Ancient Roman Sodomites.

ROME- ITALY (European Mexico) SMNNN

New archeological evidence suggests masturbation to be the cause of the collapse of the Roman/Byzantine Sodomite empire, says Dr Garbanzo, head doctor of Faithscience In Regards To Ancient Sodomites, who has been excavating various volcanic sites around the island of Stromboli in the Mediterranean.

Aside from horrible Italians, the island of Stromboli is home to a delicious dish named after the island.
Aside from horrible Italians, the island of Stromboli is home to a delicious dish named after the island.

Dr Garbanzo, much admired faitharcheologist, had long been desperately seeking a credible link between Mediterranean masturbation levels at the time of antiquity, and multiple catastrophic volcanic eruptions, which he believes were the direct result of God’s Anger at the horrible ancient people’s deeds. In a phone-statement, Dr Garbanzo says ” We [have found] it. “, in reference to his new evidence.

What kind of Godless depravity is happening on this disgusting jar?
What kind of Godless depravity is happening on this disgusting jar?

The evidence he speaks of is the discovery of a large jar shaped vessel, similar to an amphora, but possibly used as a semen receptacle by ancient Roman Empire masturbators, during a terrible eruption of Stromboli’s really big and scary volcano, during ancient God-less times.

” We hada alwaysa knew dat de Romans was de sickos! ” Says Dr Garbanzo ” Butta dey wen, and blew it uppa! Here we got dis evidence-a. Oh sole mio! Pasatafazoola! ”

God's horrible wrath will burn all those who oppose him! Praise!
God’s horrible wrath will burn all those who oppose him! Praise!

The “mainstream scientific community”, long ago corrupted by the deep pockets of Big Masturbation, refused all comments, resisting even the most persistent attempts to obtain an official statement from them, including shooting two SMNNN Interns with an anti-riot bean-bag restraint device.

Turning a blind eye, as always, thanks , Big sLIEnce!
Turning a blind eye, as always, thanks , Big sLIEnce!

Evidence as clear and present as Dr Garbanzo has presented us is not only historical in some way, but also stands as a warning for the future: Self-Rape has destroyed civilization in a terrible pyroclasm in the past, and it will do so again unless we stop masturbation now.

About Thomas Kelly 62 Articles

Thomas Kelly, SMN Faithscience Editor, is the Dean of several B.L.U.F.F’s, as well as the preeminent authority on Faithscience. In addition these lofty titles, he is also a powerful wizard, and holds over fifty non-secular PHDs.

18 Comments on Ancient Rome Destoyed by Masturbators, Says New Faithscientific Evidence

  1. It’s funny you have over 50 non-secular Ph.D’s and can’t even write it properly.
    On that…it normally takes an average of 4 years to complete a Ph.D and after 20 years in Academics I can tell you for a fact that nobody can do 2 non-secular Ph.D’s simultaneously.

    So, does that mean that you are 200 years old or just a sad lier?

  2. Me and Dick’s relationship has not caused any volcanic eruptions in my backyard nor my neighbor’s. We feel very insulted and threatened by this post. My Dick and I have been living peacefully in my mom’s basement for 20 years now and have yet to see a shift in the plates anywhere around my house. Please retract your statement about my ancestors from ancient Rome immediately!

  3. Hahaha lets blame masturbation for everything!
    Bet the owner of this site is castrated and he’s raging cause he can’t rub one off

  4. Hey stupid….
    Your pictures are taken in cambodia and not rome…
    Masturbation is great….
    American pseudo christianity sucks..

  5. God only knows who are these psychos who wrote this and all the other articles and post in this site.. I’ll pray for all of your sinful souls.. May us be spared from your nonsensical and blaspheme theories..

  6. This is the best satire website ever! Read the bios of the authors, try to buy one of those kid cross bondage things, notice that almost none of the photos are correct for the articles they’re in, there is a Rev. Leroy Jenkins (anyone whos ever played World of Warcraft would get that joke), and the pushing of psycotic christian values to the point of absurdity, and the reasoning behind the views on this site! Brilliant! And there are people out there who take this site seriously! Come on, I’ve been to the Bible belt before. And this site would make those people cringe! No one without a severe mental illness can possibly be THIS crazy. Kudos to the people of this site for providing me with such humorous reading!! May you onedy discover true religion. The Flying Spaghetti monster will accept you with his noodley appendages & show you the true path to follow along with all the other Pastafarians. May the sauce be with you. Ramen.

  7. I want to believe that this site is satirical, but the pessimistic part of me says that there is no way that there AREN’T people this deluded & fanatical…

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