Faithscience Predicts Masturbation Will Cause Natural Disasters 400% More Than Nature Will in 2015

Increase in local shelter building might be mankind's last hope.

Terrible volcanoes like this could be typical.
Terrible volcanoes like this could be typical.
Could masturbation-induced nuclear earthquake tsunamis, like this one that stuck Japan and destroyed the Ornament ,happen to places where normals live?
Could masturbation-induced nuclear earthquake tsunamis, like this one that stuck Japan and destroyed the Ornament ,happen to places where normals live?

-WATERTOWN CT

Using a network of B.L.U.F.F Co. F-Drives (dominate faith-based video gaming system in the U.S.A. market) leading Faithscientists have run a comprehensive mathematical simulation which shows masturbation to be the greatest ecological concern of mankind in 2015.

Over twelve F-Drive systems were networked via coaxial cables. Working as one unit, the massive network was able to use all 156kb of computational memory banks to “crunch” the numbers. A dedicated team of interns from the Ornament worked all hours of the night for a better part of two years and the simulation was completed.

The simulation, which details the direct effects of masturbation on the environment, is the most elaborate simulation of it’s kind of all time, and is as many as five times more complex than it’s predecessor: Leisure Suit Larry Big Man On Campus.

The simulation, which factors masturbation, and levels of displeasure felt by Jesus, shows more natural disasters in one year, than humanity has ever seen in the world’s 8,000-year history.

” It is eye opening to say the least.” Says Dean Joseph Fenner of B.L.U.F.F  U.K., English campus of B.L.U.F.F.  ” I only hope the World Government takes note, before it is too late!  Tally-Ho and whatnot, guv’nor! ”

The simulation shows massive tsunamis, unfathomable volcanoes, earthquakes in excess of 24 on the Richter scale, Kraken attacks, as well as even worse ecological disasters, such as the planet colliding with the moon, and spontaneous vaporization, all directly related to masturbation.

” We warned people this would happen. And now the math says it’s gonna happen. Shame on you. Shame on y’ all”  Said Professor Skippy Enis of B.L.U.F.F Agricultural Research.

No one is certain to what extent the damage will be, but many have begun building shelters and stockpiling arms.

Rational concern citizens are not taking the news lightly, says one man: ” We have to be prepared for when the masturbators destroy the world, it’s just common sense”

About Thomas Kelly 62 Articles

Thomas Kelly, SMN Faithscience Editor, is the Dean of several B.L.U.F.F’s, as well as the preeminent authority on Faithscience. In addition these lofty titles, he is also a powerful wizard, and holds over fifty non-secular PHDs.

8 Comments on Faithscience Predicts Masturbation Will Cause Natural Disasters 400% More Than Nature Will in 2015

  1. I still have a “go” bag and shelter prepared from the Y2K and 2012 events. I’m glad I have planned to move back near that shelter shortly. I only pray to Lonnie it will not be too late.

  2. I’m a devout roman Catholic and I’m happily married and yet I’ve never been more upset with people who claim to be of faith. I have read and understood the bible but, isn’t lying against one of gods teachings.

  3. What the fuck is this shit!??!?!?
    I just wanna fap a bit, and you say it will cause a fucking apocalypse?!??!??!?
    Cant I just fap in peace without worrying about natural disasters!?!??!
    ALIENS TAKE ME AWAY!!!! IVE BEEN WAITING FOR SO LONG!!!!

  4. “Over twelve F-Drive”, “156kb of computational memory banks”, “The simulation shows massive tsunamis, unfathomable volcanoes, earthquakes in excess of 24 on the Richter scale, Kraken attacks, as well as even worse ecological disasters, such as the planet colliding with the moon, and spontaneous vaporization, all directly related to masturbation.”

    God, I really want to thank you for all the laughs I have with this site, keep it up 🙂

  5. HAHAHAHA are you guys serious? Masturbation is proven to have nothing but positive effects on the human body. Again, it’s proven by science. Real science, not “”faith science”” that’s just you making up shit and parading it as fact. This entire website is pathetic, and anyone who actually believes this is a willfully ignorant piece of shit. Oh, yeah, and your “god” isn’t even real. You’re all idiots. BRB, gonna go masturbate.

  6. Father, please help the writer of this article to stop drinking in excess, and stop smoking weed…
    For those addictions appear to be plaguing him/her right now.
    Let them realize the bullshit that they are promoting, and help them understand that YOU, Father control the oceans, not peoples masturbation habits.

    In Jesus name we pray,
    Amen

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