New Computer Simulation Shows Masturbation Related Super-Natural Disasters Likey to be 400% Greater in 2015

More powerful faith-based supercomputer has even more bad news...

Sometime in 2015, if masturbation continues..
Sometime in 2015, if masturbation continues..
Preparedness is key...
Preparedness is key…
I'm a hungry, hungry boy!
I’m a hungry, hungry boy!

WATERTOWN-CT (SMNNN) Using the same supercomputer used to predict the 400% increase in natural disasters in 2015, the same leading faithscientists have announced they have run another simulation, which this time also predicts a 400% rise in super-natural disasters.

The super-computer, which was comprised of twelve F-Drive ( dominant faith-based video gaming system) units, recently received an upgrade of 2kb of computational power, breaking it’s own record, and remaining the most powerful faith-based supercomputer in history.

The same team of mostly Ornamental computer faithscience interns factored masturbation rates, Jesus’ displeasure, and wrath of all mighty father God, and the results were alarming to say the least.

” I can’t believe this! Already? Well I guess it makes sense. Masturbators are daft.” Said Dean Joseph E Fenner of B.L.U.F.F. U.K..

The simulation shows untold amounts of horrible super natural disasters possible in 2015, ranging from the living undead, to Satan eating reality, all directly caused by masturbation,

” Shucks.” Says Professor Skippy Enis, of B.L.U.F.F Agribusiness . ” I was all bent about th’ volcanoes, an now we got us some zombies. Welp. Seems about rightly so, I reckon. ”

Concerned rational citizens had already begun building shelters, but now, it might not be enough.

Says one man; ” I’m gonna get even more guns, cause you can shoot y’all some zombies, if it comes to that. But I don’t know what the **** to do about Satan eating reality, I mean, I’m sure guns’ll help an’ all, but I’m scared. “

About Thomas Kelly 62 Articles
Thomas Kelly, SMN Faithscience Editor, is the Dean of several B.L.U.F.F's, as well as the preeminent authority on Faithscience. In addition these lofty titles, he is also a powerful wizard, and holds over fifty non-secular PHDs.

6 Comments on New Computer Simulation Shows Masturbation Related Super-Natural Disasters Likey to be 400% Greater in 2015

  1. This is all a joke right? How the hell can a person who believes this be a functional human being? This has made me laugh so much, thank you for posting this. Very funny. Oh and the part that read “upgrade of 2kb of computational power” is what made me burst out with laughter. That is good if it were the 1950’s. Good luck at being a functional part of society with beliefs like this.

  2. Lonnie Childs masturbates so much, he’s gone blind (those glasses are just for show), & his palms are hairier than a gorillas

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