Oklahoma City, OK – Good news sometimes comes from unfortunate circumstances, and we all know that God works in mysterious ways. Dakhma of Angra Mainyu Syndicate, a small denomination of self-raping satan worshippers, recently performed a Black Mass in Oklahoma City – and thousands of Catholics and REAL Christians showed up to protest the event.
However, recent findings suggest that the Catholic Church was behind the entire event – and that it was a coordinated effort intended to distract from recent allegations of corruption and child molestation charges. In addition, emails and text messages surfaced Monday that allegedly prove that Pope Francis carefully staged the event in order to assist struggling Catholic priests who are no longer being called out for exorcisms, a highly profitable business for the church.
“I’ve hired a few losers off the street that will do it LOL!” states one text message, allegedly sent from Pope Francis to a lifelong friend and close associate, at this point renaming anonymous until the accusations have been proven. His screen name, according to the images leaked to the internet, is “Bunny Boy.”
Exorcism, considered a mainstream act of ridding the human body of demons that cause migraines, mental illness, chronic masturbation, gout and venereal warts (among numerous other afflictions) has gone out of favor in America. The church has been highly critical of prescription medication and psychiatry, stating that they are only treating the symptom and not the demon responsible.
Certified exorcisms by the church can cost upward of $5,000, increasing as the number of demons inhabiting the human being multiplies. Now that modern medicine has replaced the act, the church has found themselves in a critical situation – in 1994, over 54,000 exorcisms were performed in America. Now, just two decades later, only 2 have been performed in 2014.
That is, until Sunday. Since that time, accounts of demonic habitation has been off the charts – and the church is snowed under with requests for exorcisms, especially in the neighboring states where the Black Mass took place. And, at least according to these texts and emails, this will be a godsend for the church.