Hebei Province – CHINA (SMNNN) The growing Anti-Masturbation Youth Movement, the Childs Youth, recently fired the first shot in the attempt to convert the Chinese mainland to the ways of masturbation abstinence. A gang of 11 confirmed Childs Youth members, all between the ages of seven and twelve, killed an eleven year old boy they caught masturbating in a public restroom. The boys, claiming to be “eradicating masturbation for Lonnie” chased the deviant, Zhang Tai, into the streets of Zhangjiakou. The Childs Youth then allegedly took turns beating Tai, while quoting scripture from the King Lonald Holy Bible, eventually leaving his body lying in the street.
Pronounced dead at the hospital, local doctors argue whether the beating or onset juvenile masturbation sickness was Tai’s ultimate cause of death. Police added that the Childs Youth gang admitted to beating Tai and “took great pride in furthering the cause of Lonnie Childs.” The gang purports that the death was “natural” and their delivered beating was “just a way of showing these masturbators who now runs this place (China)”.
Police representative, Chong Lu, fears that “this will only get worse as this ‘Childs Youth’ movement grows. This is the first known instance of a strike by this terrorist organization in our country but we fear it will also not be the last. We have created a local task force to deal with gangs and now consider the ‘Childs Youth’ to be at the top of our list. If the problem escalates further we intend to involve the PLA.”