Gorbachev Claims World on Brink of ‘New Cold War’; Expects New Golden Age of Anti-Masturbation

Mikhail Gorbachev (image source: SpreeTom (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons)

1980s Communist leader, Mikhail Gorbachev, has come forth to alert the world that it is on the brink of a “new Cold War”. Gorbachev speculates that once this “new Cold War” begins, worldwide masturbation rates will plummet like they did during the peak of the original “Cold War”.

Speaking in Berlin, Germany, the reformed 83-year-old former enemy of America blamed the ineffective Obama and Putin regimes for the state the world is in. “Both of them are to blame,” said a depressed Gorbachev. “Obama is the most pro-masturbation president the United States has had. While we disagreed on many things, my counterpart, Ronald Reagan would not have tolerated most of the things Obama has embraced. Furthermore, Vladimir Putin has some decent ideas, specifically his views on taking land and national expansion, but he could be much more of a hard-liner.”

Gorbachev claims that during his time as leader of the USSR, they boasted a 0.1% masturbation rate. The KGB, working in conjunction with several secret police divisions, spent most of their time tracking down the 0.1% that violated the USSR’s decency laws and sending them to remote work camps or simply eliminating them.

'Honored Officer' badge worn by one of several anti-masturbation secret police groups in the USSR. (source: [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons)
‘Honored Officer’ badge worn by one of several anti-masturbation secret police groups in the USSR. (source: [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons)
“The 1980s were a great time for the world. Things are much better when everyone is living in fear of total annihilation,” added Gorbachev. “It was a true Golden Age of anti-masturbation. Once the Iron Curtain fell, masturbation rates in Russia immediately rose 1500% in the first 30 minutes. It has been a dark 25 years but, Jesus willing, the new Cold War will begin and decency, fear and obedience will reign once again.”

Analyst Chad Bishop, of the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow, agrees with Gorbachev. “Russia will be far better off in a ‘Cold War’ situation. Putin needs more power to control the citizens than he has now and that could be made possible due to a ‘Cold War’,” explained Bishop. “The U.S. will suffer because Obama doesn’t have the morality to make the changes needed for a pious and decent America. We can only hope a strong conservative takes office before the ‘Cold War’ begins. America would enter another wonderful time, like the 1980s, if that were to happen. Reagan’s presidency proved that a strong enemy with a similar mentality when it comes to masturbation is the best way to keep the citizenry in fear and not self-raping themselves. Self-rape increased dramatically in the first few years of the Bill Clinton administration and self-rape records have been shattered since Obama took office.”

Bishop explained, that while the USSR were America’s enemy, they did have the right idea on “some things”. “Ronald Reagan and Gorbachev always found a common ground in their intense hatred of masturbation and masturbators. Any time they argued about other policies, an advisor would tell an anecdote about something vile that a masturbator had recently done and they both went into nearly identical diatribes about what to do about the ‘world masturbation problem’. It was the true common ground that prevented World War III from happening.”

About Cathy Redmond 104 Articles
Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

7 Comments on Gorbachev Claims World on Brink of ‘New Cold War’; Expects New Golden Age of Anti-Masturbation

  1. While I’d prefer Reagan, I agree with Dr. Childs. Gorbachev would be a better American president than Obama has been. Just goes to show how low this country has sunk when a foreign former Communist is a better choice than what we’re stuck with. I’m not at all surprised to hear that he managed to completely outlaw and banish masturbation from the USSR. The way all of those countries have acted after the Soviet Union was broken up are classic signs of what happens when masturbation and sin goes unchecked. Easily the worst thing to happen to the region since the Tunguska Event.

    “Additional Faith Fact”: Sylvester Stallone has been pretty conservative his entire life. The unification speech he gives at the end of Rocky IV, where the Gorbachev character stands up and slowly applauds… that was originally a diatribe from Balboa about how he gave up masturbation and that allowed him to conquer all of the boxers. He was able to change and take the pledge and he knew that all of the Russians didn’t masturbate because Gorbachev made it illegal. “Everyone can change” was substituted because his radical views scared liberal Hollywood (which is also controlled by Big Masturbation). That’s why it seems so odd and awkward that Gorbachev and a bunch of Russian boxing fans would cheer the rantings and ravings of some American boxer sounding like some nonsense Obama campaign speech. Because they were originally standing and cheering the fact that Balboa (by way of Stallone) agreed with how their leader had chosen to make them all live their lives.

  2. Great article!

    As a radical communist myself, I really admired the former Soviet Union. Communist China also: Comrade Mao was one of the few good feminist myn. When I used to go on protest marches with the Sisterhood, I always beat the crap out of all those “Free Tibet” poseurs. Being under the iron rule of a communist isn’t oppression. It is Freedom! Strength! Peace!

    But the USSR wasn’t extreme enough. In my Matriarchal Socialist Utopia, everyone would be monitored by telescreens 24/7, making sure men are not playing with their oppressor rods (self rape/raping womyn fantasies) or womyn fingering their vaginas (self rape/getting raped by men fantasies) or having interracial sex (cultural appropriation/rape) or having same-race hetero sex (rape) or even homo sex (because it is still sex, and sex is gross).

    The USSR’s staunch stance against exploitative, oppressive pornography also helped curtail masturbation, I believe:

    http://www.soviet-empire.com/ussr/viewtopic.php?t=41694

    Well worth reading into.

    • They also made some great weapons. Every cadet at B.L.U.F.F. is issued a World War Two-era Mosin-Nagant rifle for drilling and target practice. In his pissing contest with Putin, over the Ukraine, the spineless President Barack Obola has ordered the Bureau of Alchohol, Tobacco and Masturbation to ban all imports of such fine Russian weapontry! The sooner we get rid of him the better.

      • No, it’s called Luna which is Latin for moon, I call it Luna instead of The Moon because there are billions of moons in this galaxy alone, so I try to make ours different give it proper name like we do for the other planet’s moons. And it is impossible for Luna be made of cheese, as cheese requires milk which comes from animals, which require conditions similiar to what Humans to survive, and those astronauts weren’t wearing spacesuits for fun, so it is therefore impossible for dairy producing animals to exist in Luna

Comments are closed.