1980s Communist leader, Mikhail Gorbachev, has come forth to alert the world that it is on the brink of a “new Cold War”. Gorbachev speculates that once this “new Cold War” begins, worldwide masturbation rates will plummet like they did during the peak of the original “Cold War”.
Speaking in Berlin, Germany, the reformed 83-year-old former enemy of America blamed the ineffective Obama and Putin regimes for the state the world is in. “Both of them are to blame,” said a depressed Gorbachev. “Obama is the most pro-masturbation president the United States has had. While we disagreed on many things, my counterpart, Ronald Reagan would not have tolerated most of the things Obama has embraced. Furthermore, Vladimir Putin has some decent ideas, specifically his views on taking land and national expansion, but he could be much more of a hard-liner.”
Gorbachev claims that during his time as leader of the USSR, they boasted a 0.1% masturbation rate. The KGB, working in conjunction with several secret police divisions, spent most of their time tracking down the 0.1% that violated the USSR’s decency laws and sending them to remote work camps or simply eliminating them.
“The 1980s were a great time for the world. Things are much better when everyone is living in fear of total annihilation,” added Gorbachev. “It was a true Golden Age of anti-masturbation. Once the Iron Curtain fell, masturbation rates in Russia immediately rose 1500% in the first 30 minutes. It has been a dark 25 years but, Jesus willing, the new Cold War will begin and decency, fear and obedience will reign once again.”
Analyst Chad Bishop, of the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow, agrees with Gorbachev. “Russia will be far better off in a ‘Cold War’ situation. Putin needs more power to control the citizens than he has now and that could be made possible due to a ‘Cold War’,” explained Bishop. “The U.S. will suffer because Obama doesn’t have the morality to make the changes needed for a pious and decent America. We can only hope a strong conservative takes office before the ‘Cold War’ begins. America would enter another wonderful time, like the 1980s, if that were to happen. Reagan’s presidency proved that a strong enemy with a similar mentality when it comes to masturbation is the best way to keep the citizenry in fear and not self-raping themselves. Self-rape increased dramatically in the first few years of the Bill Clinton administration and self-rape records have been shattered since Obama took office.”
Bishop explained, that while the USSR were America’s enemy, they did have the right idea on “some things”. “Ronald Reagan and Gorbachev always found a common ground in their intense hatred of masturbation and masturbators. Any time they argued about other policies, an advisor would tell an anecdote about something vile that a masturbator had recently done and they both went into nearly identical diatribes about what to do about the ‘world masturbation problem’. It was the true common ground that prevented World War III from happening.”