Today marks the 2014th birthday of America, God’s favorite country. Praise! We here at STOP Masturbation NOW live the moral, masturbation free lives that the Founding Fathers intended! Creating a sovereign nation free from the yoke of oppression was not without it’s complications and tribulations. We must never forget that the nefarious forces of Big Masturbation are always present, ready to threaten our God-given Family Values. Benedict Arnold, a British agent of Big Masturbation who went by the thinly-veiled pseudonym “John Handcock”, infiltrated the inner circle of Founding Fathers with his honeyed words of seduction and enticingly large signature. Luckily, his efforts to overthrow our Union were thwarted by Patriot Paul Revere, who’s famous cry; “The British are cumming, the British are cumming!” warned the Fathers of an impending circle-jerking off session.
Let us reflect upon some of the wise words they have left behind. These words which guide us, define us, and save our very souls! Praise!
“Mankind are governed more by their reason than by masturbation.”
“Happiness depends more on the inward disposition of mind than on self-rape.”
“They define a republic to be a government of laws, and not of rampant masturbation.”
“Let me add that only a self-chaste people are capable of Heaven. As nations become morally corrupt and self-sexualized, they have more need of Satan.”