Kraft Foods Recalls Velveeta Cheese; Unsafe Levels Of Semen Found

Tainted cheesefood could pass on hundreds of masturbation caused diseases

WEST PALM BEACH, FLA — (SMNNN) Popular foodlike product producer “Kraft ‘Foods'” issued a recall of it’s ‘Velveeta Cheese’ product after incredibly high levels of semen were detected. The semen level issue was found after several customer complaints of an incredibly bitter taste began to emerge via the manufacturer’s Facebook netpage.

I'll stick to cat cheese, thanks!
I’ll stick to cat cheese, thanks!

It is speculated that unregulated masturbatory practices in a Kraft ‘Foods’ factory is the likely cause of the unwanted toxic additive. Besides affecting the taste and passing on dozens if not hundreds of masturbation caused diseases; Kraft ‘Foods’ is concerned that the semen may affect the shelf life of their products. The recall was voluntary in nature and despite the gross negligence that allowed this to happen, sanctions from the FDA are not expected. Thanks, Obama.

Food researcher and man about campus, Brother Nathan Carpus (Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts, Safford, AZ) said, “No Lonvidians are expected to be affected by this recall as the King Lonald Holy Bible states we are only to eat pure food hunted or grown on the campound.” It is, however, expected to severely affect masturbators as they tend to frequent Walmart and the tainted cheese-like food products in question were by in large sent to Walmart distribution centers.

Due to the highly unregulated nature of the “foodlike product” industry, this is not the first nor likely the last time that the “almost food” food supply has been sullied with the seed of the masturbator.

Cathy Redmond, reporting for

Cathy can be reached via her own netsite or on Facebook‘s netsite.

About Cathy Redmond 104 Articles
Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

7 Comments on Kraft Foods Recalls Velveeta Cheese; Unsafe Levels Of Semen Found

  1. What is your source for this? Legitimate online news articles tend to provide a source to show the reader that what they are saying isn’t made up and that you are in fact a credible site.

  2. All of our sources are protected government and industry insiders. When we do not fear for retaliation against them we name them. When there are credible threats from either the government or Big Masturbation, we do not name them for the safety of themselves and their loved ones.

    One source, Brother Nathan Carpus, was in fact named in this article and arguably provides the most important information in the entire article – the potential effect this will have on Lonvidians.


  3. This is better than The Onion. You’re site is far more credible as well. Keep up the good work

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