World

Kraft Foods Recalls Velveeta Cheese; Unsafe Levels Of Semen Found

WEST PALM BEACH, FLA — (SMNNN) Popular foodlike product producer “Kraft ‘Foods'” issued a recall of it’s ‘Velveeta Cheese’ product after incredibly high levels of semen were detected. The semen level issue was found after several customer complaints of an incredibly bitter taste began to emerge via the manufacturer’s Facebook netpage.

I'll stick to cat cheese, thanks!

I’ll stick to cat cheese, thanks!

It is speculated that unregulated masturbatory practices in a Kraft ‘Foods’ factory is the likely cause of the unwanted toxic additive. Besides affecting the taste and passing on dozens if not hundreds of masturbation caused diseases; Kraft ‘Foods’ is concerned that the semen may affect the shelf life of their products. The recall was voluntary in nature and despite the gross negligence that allowed this to happen, sanctions from the FDA are not expected. Thanks, Obama.

Food researcher and man about campus, Brother Nathan Carpus (Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts, Safford, AZ) said, “No Lonvidians are expected to be affected by this recall as the King Lonald Holy Bible states we are only to eat pure food hunted or grown on the campound.” It is, however, expected to severely affect masturbators as they tend to frequent Walmart and the tainted cheese-like food products in question were by in large sent to Walmart distribution centers.

Due to the highly unregulated nature of the “foodlike product” industry, this is not the first nor likely the last time that the “almost food” food supply has been sullied with the seed of the masturbator.


Cathy Redmond, reporting for StopMasturbationNow.org.

Cathy can be reached via her own netsite or on Facebook‘s netsite.

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Paul Bodnick
6 years ago

funny

Travis
Travis
6 years ago

What is your source for this? Legitimate online news articles tend to provide a source to show the reader that what they are saying isn’t made up and that you are in fact a credible site.

Pablocruz
Pablocruz
6 years ago

Hahaha!! ^That comment made the article even funnier!

Kris
Kris
6 years ago

This is better than The Onion. You’re site is far more credible as well. Keep up the good work

Lonnie Childs
Lonnie Childs
6 years ago

You are blessed by me, I thank God for my creation.
Praise.