WEST PALM BEACH, FLA — (SMNNN) The lamestream media has recently made much todo about an incident in January 1961 where two hydrogen bombs fell out of a B-52. As expected, the state controlled media is only giving you part of the story.
The “official version” states that the B-52 aircraft just randomly “broke up” somewhere over North Carolina which caused two four-megaton bombs to fall towards Earth. Notice no mention as to why the craft just “broke up” in the sky? SMNNN recently met with a source that clued us in as to what actually happened that fateful January.
“It was quite common, in the less disciplined 1960s, for the hippies in the Armed Forces not being up to snuff,” said our anonymous source. “The hippies who would go on the required ‘always in the air’ flights with the nuclear weapons were not the best and brightest. On January 24th, the flight took off normally, but at some point early into the flight the crew of five left the flight deck and went into the cargo area containing the bombs. From there a masturbation orgy began, with the added danger of being next to weapons of mass destruction really getting the crew overly excited. In the excitement, one of the men accidentally bumped into the launch bay controls. The next thing they knew, as they came out of their orgiastic haze, two nuclear weapons were falling towards the United States mainland.”
At this point, the ranking member of the crew decided to scuttle the plane, claim it “broke up” as their official story and eject to safety. Remember, this crew was in a masturbation induced haze and not thinking clearly. The added detail, that is just coming to light with way fewer details, was that one of the bombs was actually armed when the masturbator nudged it with his sin sword.
Our source added, “Clearly, Lonnie Childs was looking out for America that day. We can thank him for safely guiding those death dealers to the Earth and preventing the destruction of the great United States. Had Lonnie not been there, the world would be a very different and, honestly, more disgusting place than it even is now. Praise.”
In retrospect it makes sense as the United States War Machine clearly stepped up it’s game after being shocked awake by this near miss. We can attribute the successful Viet Nam, Iraq, Afghanistan and Iraq sequel wars to the new, masturbation free U.S. War Machine.
Praise Lonnie for being willing to save us all, normal and non-normal alike, that January evening.
Cathy Redmond, reporting for StopMasturbationNow.org.