Masturbation Almost Killed Us All

Clearly, Lonnie Childs was looking out for America that day

WEST PALM BEACH, FLA — (SMNNN) The lamestream media has recently made much todo about an incident in January 1961 where two hydrogen bombs fell out of a B-52. As expected, the state controlled media is only giving you part of the story.

The “official version” states that the B-52 aircraft just randomly “broke up” somewhere over North Carolina which caused two four-megaton bombs to fall towards Earth. Notice no mention as to why the craft just “broke up” in the sky? SMNNN recently met with a source that clued us in as to what actually happened that fateful January.

Thanks Masturbator
Thanks, Masturbator.

“It was quite common, in the less disciplined 1960s, for the hippies in the Armed Forces not being up to snuff,” said our anonymous source. “The hippies who would go on the required ‘always in the air’ flights with the nuclear weapons were not the best and brightest. On January 24th, the flight took off normally, but at some point early into the flight the crew of five left the flight deck and went into the cargo area containing the bombs. From there a masturbation orgy began, with the added danger of being next to weapons of mass destruction really getting the crew overly excited. In the excitement, one of the men accidentally bumped into the launch bay controls. The next thing they knew, as they came out of their orgiastic haze, two nuclear weapons were falling towards the United States mainland.”

At this point, the ranking member of the crew decided to scuttle the plane, claim it “broke up” as their official story and eject to safety. Remember, this crew was in a masturbation induced haze and not thinking clearly. The added detail, that is just coming to light with way fewer details, was that one of the bombs was actually armed when the masturbator nudged it with his sin sword.

Our source added, “Clearly, Lonnie Childs was looking out for America that day. We can thank him for safely guiding those death dealers to the Earth and preventing the destruction of the great United States. Had Lonnie not been there, the world would be a very different and, honestly, more disgusting place than it even is now. Praise.”

In retrospect it makes sense as the United States War Machine clearly stepped up it’s game after being shocked awake by this near miss. We can attribute the successful Viet Nam, Iraq, Afghanistan and Iraq sequel wars to the new, masturbation free U.S. War Machine.

Praise Lonnie for being willing to save us all, normal and non-normal alike, that January evening.

Cathy Redmond, reporting for

Cathy can be reached via her own netsite or on Facebook‘s netsite.

About Cathy Redmond 104 Articles
Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

13 Comments on Masturbation Almost Killed Us All

  1. Are you all fuck*ng insane? Stop reading this fuck*ing site full of bullsh*t. Someone really needs to delete it and ban the adiminstrators from the whole internet. Just sayin’

  2. Yes, like I’m going to name our anonymous inside source in the article and have both Big Masturbation and the US Gov’t assassin squads competing to see who could remove them from this planet the fastest. I don’t think so, this is SMNNN not MSNBC. Praise.

  3. So what you’re saying is that we should take your word as fact and not ask for a simple source that backs up what you’re saying. I can see having faith in God, but you’ll have to forgive me if I don’t have faith in you.

    • As a Government Official, yourself, Former United States Solicitor General Bork, you should be well aware that a reporter will not divulge their sources in certain situations. Clearly an insider who is exposing the time that military negligence almost annihilated the entire United States would be more than a little reluctant to have their name and face plastered all over an article like this. I protect my sources when they ask me to and in this case I was asked to. If I name him and he is assassinated within minutes, that blood would be on YOUR hands, Mr. Former US Solicitor General.

      Perhaps I should begin an investigation as to what you were up to when you were the United States Solicitor General, Mr. Bork – clearly you have a horse in this race to try and deflect from the content of this story to run your own smear campaign on my reporting on this Holy netsite. Perhaps post-political life isn’t working out too well for you so you sold out to Big Masturbation to keep that dirty money flowing into your bank account. Or perhaps you were a puppet of Big Masturbation all along and your alliance with them extended past your public service career.

      Also, anything posted on this netsite has been passed through Lonnie Childs and his council and thus is proven Faith Fact. So your argument is already invalid. Faith Facts are irrefutable truths direct from Lonnie Childs himself and are what make up the information on this netsite.


      • It’s also possible, Mrs. Redmond, that Bork is an individual with an individual opinion that he seems to share with many other people, that your organization is taking things too far. Strapping your kids to crosses to prevent masturbation? Putting hot sauce on their hands? That isn’t biblical, it’s child abuse. And let’s think about those children for a minute, why don’t we? Who are they? Who do they want to be? That’s entirely up to them. So you and your co-believers have no right to so strongly impose your beliefs upon them. If they want to follow your disgusting path of oppression and racism, that’s their choice. If they want to live a free life of equality and kindness to their fellow human, that’s also their choice. So please, don’t bash Mr. Bork so hard, as he has probably never considered imagining his child masturbating.

  4. I was the pilot and that masturbation orgy was with satan and The Lord himself, satans dick was bigger than all of ours

  5. Your “anonymous source” isn’t exactly creditable. The likelyhood of a group of highly trained and well disciplined (as military rules were actually much stricter back then than they are today, according to actual historians) having a “masturbation orgy” in the missle bay of a B-52 and accidentally hitting the launch crontrols isn’t just absolutely stupid, but impossible. The launch controls are in the cockpit of a B-52, not in the missle bay. Nice try, though.

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