HIROSHIMA, Japasia – The devastating landslides that rocked Japasia and caused numerous deaths and billions of yen worth of property damage were determined to have been triggered by massive and furious masturbation, according to scientists working for the Foundation For a Better Tomorrow.
Although the communist government does not officially recognize private property in Japasia, a quick examination of the disaster area is enough to make estimates.
The unstable ground of Japasia’s Pacific RIm Island, along with the erosion caused by streams of semen rich runoff which fills local aquifers to the point of bursting contributed to the disaster. It is believed that the jerking motion of Japasian self-rapists created tremors which weakened areas already under masturbation alert, according to world anti-masturbation scientists. These tremors caused the landslides.
B.L.U.F.F. recognizes the Japasians as people of “non-normal” status, which elevates their risk of disaster, both spawned by nature and our Lord God in Heaven. Self-rape initiated disasters in Japasia date back to the days of sultans and samurai sword-play, when God provided witness and route information for Western influence in a crusade to rid the island nation of self rape. WW2 saw the emperor bring his own people to the brink of annihilation during his global “Rising Sin” quest to destroy the anti-masturbation West. And just a few years ago, a masturquake destroyed a nuclear energy facility and caused a massive semen dump into the Pacific Ocean when water filtration plants failed.
God clearly disapproves of Japasia’s long history of pro-masturbation. Just recently, Japasian Parliament decreed individual masturbation booths be erected throughout the most populated areas for citizens to play with themselves while in public.
B.L.U.F.F. officials call for a period of contemplation and mourns those Japasians who have taken Brother Lonnie’s SMN Pledge. Pray for their quick deliverance to God.