Archive for 2014

Brother Lonnie Approves New Program For Converted Homogays

Brother Lonnie Approves New Program For Converted Homogays

As a former homogay I spend many a restless night thinking back on my past lascivious lifestyle while praying long and hard to fight the temptations to return to the homogay cabal. After fifteen minutes of rest I begin praying long and hard again. As I was gripped in the […]

by December 23, 2014 10 comments Disciples, Family Values, Politics
Christians Win the War on Christmas For the 2014th Consecutive Year

Christians Win the War on Christmas For the 2014th Consecutive Year

Happy Holidays Merry CHRISTmas!  For the 2014th consecutive year, Christians have DESTROYED atheist masturbators to ensure that Christmas will once again happen right on schedule!  Praise!  Hey liberals, why don’t you grab your ridiculous Festivus pole, hitch a ride on your absurd Flying Spaghetti Monster and move to Cuba while the rest of us celebrate the Reason […]

by December 22, 2014 7 comments Christmas
I Was Self-Raped

I Was Self-Raped

(SMNN) The sad fact of the matter is, no one asks to be self-raped. You don’t wake up in the morning, and say “Hey, maybe I’ll violate myself today, that’d be great.” Self-rape happens. Here we have the chilling confession of a self-rape survivor, who wished to remain anonymous. “I […]

by December 21, 2014 49 comments Lonnie Childs, Morals, Self-Rape Prevention
A Third World Christmas

A Third World Christmas

By: Cassidy Pen, USMC (ret.) My dear friends in Christ through the Lonaldian Way, as you hopefully are putting the finishing touches on your preparations to celebrate the Birthday of Baby Jesus with your appointed spouses and loved ones, I’d like to share a true Christmas story from the past during […]

by December 18, 2014 4 comments History
In-Depth Interview with Big Masturbation

In-Depth Interview with Big Masturbation

SECRET LOCATION- SOMEWHERE (SMNNN) We at Stop Masturbation Now are pleased to present this interview with an actual high-ranking official of Big Masturbation. Our own Professor Doctor Wizard Cardinal Thomas Kelly interviewed this “person” about the goals of the B.M movement. Thomas Kelly: Hello, welcome. Would you care to explain […]

This little guy wants you to think about him the next time you masturbate.  #SaveTheChildren

Children Are Our Future. Think About Them The Next Time You Self-Rape.

The future is here and now, people. We are currently living with the people who will control our World for the rest of our lives. If you live a normal lifestyle, you may make it to 80 or 90 now, but realisticly, you will be dead by 50-60 years old […]

by December 15, 2014 19 comments Morals
Dick Danus is a war hero!!!  Respect him and his new wife.

A Day of Tragedy, Remembrance and Joy

A day that was meant to be a glorious event full of love, the marriage of Myron Danus to Paula Austin, turned to tragedy today, but we at the Stop Masturbation Now compound are not people who let a death in our group stop us from helping to create new […]

by December 14, 2014 20 comments Death
Ban the Term “Diddly-squat”

Ban the Term “Diddly-squat”

In this week’s “Ranting Towards Redemption With Brother Cassidy” column, I provide insight toward the use of a phrase that I find highly unacceptable due to its offending nature. My dear friends in Christ Through the Lonaldian Way, as many of you are aware, I minister to troubled youths and […]

by December 9, 2014 9 comments Morals
The Currency of Big Masturbation

STOP Masturbation NOW Under Attack By Paid Shills!

Matthew 6:24 – “…You cannot serve both God and money.”   As the STOP Masturbation NOW self-celibacy movement becomes more successful and influential, it appears that the pushback from our detractors has increased as well.  It’s obvious that the masturbation lobby fear us and monitor our online activities.  Like a […]

by December 9, 2014 14 comments Big Masturbation
(image source: turydddu @ Flickr, retouched by JovanCormac ([2]) [CC-BY-2.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons)

19-Year-Old Girl Drowns Masturbating In Shower

19-Year-Old Becky Hawkins of Pink Hill, North Carolina met the same fate that befalls 100% of all masturbators when she died committing the sin of self-rape in her shower. Masturbating in the shower is very popular, particularly with females. You can check this site if you don’t believe it, as […]

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