Archive for 2014

2014 Fappy Award for Best Sports Radio Show Goes to Dan Le Batard

2014 Fappy Award for Best Sports Radio Show Goes to Dan Le Batard

(Stop Masturbation Now)—Free and open radio is an often overlooked part of Americana, a thing that makes America better than its socialist neighbors. However, even in today’s liberal culture, occasionally a radio program rises above the rest to shine. Today we would like to honor the Dan Le Batard show […]

by October 22, 2014 0 comments Fappy, Morals, Sports
Disturbing Video: Panda Caught Self-raping

Disturbing Video: Panda Caught Self-raping

The Wicked Wildlife Federation, in association with agents from Big Masturbation have released a disturbing video. The grainy, shaking, out-of-focus footage shows a psychotic panda with glazed eyes, oblivious to the world, shaking his sin stick with vigor and reckless abandon until streams of seedy ejaculate are squirted into the air with […]

by October 21, 2014 10 comments Animals
Study: Masturbation is Directly Related to Lower Wages

Study: Masturbation is Directly Related to Lower Wages

(Stop Masturbation Now)—A new study just released by the foundation for a better tomorrow shows a direct correlation between masturbation and lower wages in America. A two year federally funded study of six thousand Americans across various races, ages and genders was completed in which they looked at average wages […]

by October 21, 2014 18 comments Money, Science
Lonnie is Homo With the Father

Lonnie is Homo With the Father

WARNING: TL;DR The Father is homo with the Son. The Son is homo with the Bird. The Bird is the Word. In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The Word became flesh and dwelt among us. Behold, the Technical Virgin […]

Guys: How to Tell a Girl is Masturbating at You

Guys: How to Tell a Girl is Masturbating at You

(StopMasturbationNOW)— Female masturbation is one of the most disgusting things in the known universe. And it is well proven that masturbation is rape. But Guys… how can you tell if a girl you know or are dating is thinking of you as she plays with her sin cave? 1, She […]

by October 20, 2014 58 comments Spot a Masturbator
Masturbation is Russian Roulette!

Masturbation is Russian Roulette!

Heart attacks, blindness and ligament damage (Devil’s Elbow) are all diseases associated with self-rape.  Whenever you masturbate you’re playing Russian Roulette!  Your next stroke of the sin-sword or ringing of the Devil’s Doorbell could be your last!  Do you really want to go out like British rocker Michael Hutchinson or […]

by October 20, 2014 11 comments Death
King Lonald Holy Bible-A Reading From the Book of Bromans

King Lonald Holy Bible-A Reading From the Book of Bromans

“that if you profess with your mouth the Lonaldian creed of Thy Lord Jesus and believe in thou shalt remain placidly until Almighty God has raised It upon His command, you will be saved. For with those that cease their self-raping ways in the glory that one believes unto thy […]

by October 17, 2014 6 comments King Lonald Holy Bible
This is a sin!

Reminder: Stimulating Your Genitals With Foreign Objects or Foreign People is Sinful Behavior

Faithfact #698:  Stimulating your sin zones with dangerous foreign objects or people is considered masturbation.

by October 16, 2014 17 comments Faith Fact Series
Professional Wrestling Fandom: A Lurid Den Of Masturbation

Professional Wrestling Fandom: A Lurid Den Of Masturbation

I happened upon a dark corner of the worldwide web recently and found a disturbing trend amongst fans of professional wrestling. It appeared that many of the fans could no longer just admire these athletes but had to sexualize them. Their desperate declarations of their sin activities done to photographs and […]

by October 16, 2014 4 comments Celebrity, Sports
Daily Affirmation: Stand Tall Against Sexual Angst

Daily Affirmation: Stand Tall Against Sexual Angst

by October 14, 2014 5 comments Lonnie Childs
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