Articles by: Cassidy Pen

The Pridemore Family, during happier times.

Youth Caught Self Raping

When Dana Pridemore of Evanston, IL climbed the stairs of her family’s two-story suburban home to  retire for the evening, all she had on her mind was her Harper’s Magazine and a few segments of the Tonight Show before turning in. She visited her daughter Sarah, who at the tender […]

by June 23, 2016 65 comments B.L.U.F.F., Family Values
Who's the top self-rape threat to our precious youth? Deadpool...that's who!

Self-Rape Alert: Deadpool

SMN Safford, AZ-The tireless duty of Christian Parents to prevent and punish the vile sin of masturbation has become much harder (pardon the pun) since the opening of the box office smash, Deadpool in local theaters. A disturbing parental alert has been issued by the Faith Advisory Parental Media Information […]

by March 14, 2016 14 comments Celebrity
Australian Man Marries Hand in Secret Ceremony

Australian Man Marries Hand in Secret Ceremony

One’s own hand may, sadly to some, become known as a lonely man’s only friend, but one Australian has taken his self love to an entirely new level by marrying his cherished appendage. According to the Down Under Times, Joe Grosser wed his hand, which he named, “Honey,” under a […]

by January 20, 2016 3 comments Faces of Masturbation
BLUFF Calls for a Boycott of the New Star Wars Movie

BLUFF Calls for a Boycott of the New Star Wars Movie

Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts (BLUFF), along with the N.A.A.W.P., has announced a boycott and will schedule protests of the new Star Wars movie on the grounds that it discriminates against Self Celibate Normals. In a press release issued by the B.L.U.F.F. Legal Action Foundation (BLUFF-LAF), Brother Lonnie Childs’ words […]

by January 5, 2016 15 comments Celebrity
BLUFF Turns Away Syrian Self-Rapists

BLUFF Turns Away Syrian Self-Rapists

SAFFORD-AZ Brother Lonnie’s University of FaithFacts (BLUFF) has vowed not to accept any refugees from Syria into their campus in response to the revelation that masturbators may have entered Europe as part of a wave of migrants from the war-torn region. The move complicates the Obama administration’s plan to accept […]

by November 17, 2015 2 comments Foreigners
Have Architects Uncovered the Ancient Town of Saddam?

Have Architects Uncovered the Ancient Town of Saddam?

By: Cassidy Pen, SMN Sclience Reporter Arabia, Middle East – Newly discovered artifacts from an architectural dig has uncovered what is most likely the ancient birth place of the late despotic Iraqi Ruler, Saddam. The fiery fate of the doomed city of Saddam has captured the imaginations of archaeologists and […]

by October 19, 2015 0 comments Science
SMN Self-Rape Alert: ‘Black Mass’

SMN Self-Rape Alert: ‘Black Mass’

SMN Safford, AZ-A new waste of film depicting violence and masturbation mob activity has been released by Hollywood. “Black Mass,” starring Johnny Deep is the latest screed garnering a code red rating for excessive self-rape imagery and immoral content by the Faith Advisory Parental Media Information and Liturgical Foundation (FAPMILF), […]

by September 29, 2015 3 comments Celebrity
KLHB: A Reading From the Good Book of Issaiac.

KLHB: A Reading From the Good Book of Issaiac.

It is Lonnie, who sittith with Jesus at the right hand of Almighty God, that holds the key of Heaven’s Gate. Admonish ye, all doers of evil, those that shalt spew and saturate the ground with their vile seed. For theirs is the error through earthly pleasure through wines and […]

by September 21, 2015 1 comment King Lonald Holy Bible
Research Shows These Seven Hobbies Will Prevent Self-Rape

Research Shows These Seven Hobbies Will Prevent Self-Rape

For a long time, it was believed that God gave people a given level of abstinence and there was nothing anyone could to to prevent the sinful lust impulses that lead to masturbation. Scientists at Brother Lonnie University or Faith Facts (B.L.U.F.F.) through a grant awarded by the Foundation for […]

by August 31, 2015 17 comments B.L.U.F.F.
B.L.U.F.F. Safford Campus Announces Big Game Safari to Zimbabwe

B.L.U.F.F. Safford Campus Announces Big Game Safari to Zimbabwe

Safford, Arizona – Brother Lonnie’s University of FaithFacts (B.L.U.F.F.) has announced a special safari and big game hunting excursion to the African Nation of Zimbabwe. Special Services Recreational Director and long-time B.L.U.F.F. elder Thomas Downey announced the trip during a closed question-and-answer session between the B.L.U.F.F. Eldership and SMN Pledges […]

by July 31, 2015 4 comments Animals, B.L.U.F.F., World
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