R.I.P. Gene Wilder
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Articles by: Cassidy Pen
A Young Girl’s Dilemma – Ask Cassidy
Dear, Cassidy. I’m a 14 year-old girl attending Hickory Woods Middle School in Clydesdale, IL. There’s a creepy boy named Marty Swanson who wears baggy pants, a collar shirt, and has dirty beady eyes. He’s always slurping, wiping at his face, and making strange intestinal sounds in school. In my […]
Youth Caught Self Raping
When Dana Pridemore of Evanston, IL climbed the stairs of her family’s two-story suburban home to retire for the evening, all she had on her mind was her Harper’s Magazine and a few segments of the Tonight Show before turning in. She visited her daughter Sarah, who at the tender […]
Self-Rape Alert: Deadpool
SMN Safford, AZ-The tireless duty of Christian Parents to prevent and punish the vile sin of masturbation has become much harder (pardon the pun) since the opening of the box office smash, Deadpool in local theaters. A disturbing parental alert has been issued by the Faith Advisory Parental Media Information […]
Australian Man Marries Hand in Secret Ceremony
One’s own hand may, sadly to some, become known as a lonely man’s only friend, but one Australian has taken his self love to an entirely new level by marrying his cherished appendage. According to the Down Under Times, Joe Grosser wed his hand, which he named, “Honey,” under a […]
BLUFF Calls for a Boycott of the New Star Wars Movie
Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts (BLUFF), along with the N.A.A.W.P., has announced a boycott and will schedule protests of the new Star Wars movie on the grounds that it discriminates against Self Celibate Normals. In a press release issued by the B.L.U.F.F. Legal Action Foundation (BLUFF-LAF), Brother Lonnie Childs’ words […]
BLUFF Turns Away Syrian Self-Rapists
SAFFORD-AZ Brother Lonnie’s University of FaithFacts (BLUFF) has vowed not to accept any refugees from Syria into their campus in response to the revelation that masturbators may have entered Europe as part of a wave of migrants from the war-torn region. The move complicates the Obama administration’s plan to accept […]
Have Architects Uncovered the Ancient Town of Saddam?
By: Cassidy Pen, SMN Sclience Reporter Arabia, Middle East – Newly discovered artifacts from an architectural dig has uncovered what is most likely the ancient birth place of the late despotic Iraqi Ruler, Saddam. The fiery fate of the doomed city of Saddam has captured the imaginations of archaeologists and […]
SMN Self-Rape Alert: ‘Black Mass’
SMN Safford, AZ-A new waste of film depicting violence and masturbation mob activity has been released by Hollywood. “Black Mass,” starring Johnny Deep is the latest screed garnering a code red rating for excessive self-rape imagery and immoral content by the Faith Advisory Parental Media Information and Liturgical Foundation (FAPMILF), […]
KLHB: A Reading From the Good Book of Issaiac.
It is Lonnie, who sittith with Jesus at the right hand of Almighty God, that holds the key of Heaven’s Gate. Admonish ye, all doers of evil, those that shalt spew and saturate the ground with their vile seed. For theirs is the error through earthly pleasure through wines and […]
