Articles by: Cathy Redmond

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Blood of Lonnie Childs Possible Virus Antidote

Faith scientists are hard at work analyzing the blood of our fearless leader, Lonnie Childs, in a bid to curb all known viruses in the world. The idea came to Brother Eli after he watched an undisclosed episode of a vintage TV show where “the hero’s blood was used as […]

by April 3, 2020 5 comments Science
Image by Mylene2401 from Pixabay

The Truth Behind the Toilet Paper Shortages

Toilet paper is out of stock everywhere. This is the reality that humans worldwide have been forced to contend with lately. However, the lieberal media would have you believe that “hoarders” or “preppers” are snapping of every roll of “white gold” they see. This is simply not true. Sources deep […]

by March 30, 2020 9 comments Money
Official White House Photo by Joyce N. Boghosian

Expert: Masturbation Rates Will Skyrocket Due to “Social Distancing”

President Donald Trump backed off of his “let’s open up America again for Easter” claims and has officially extended “social distancing” through April 30th. Faith Science Expert and our own fearless leader, Lonnie Childs, took to an evening fax to warn His followers. Brother Lonnie’s fax began by thanking all […]

by March 29, 2020 2 comments Lonnie Childs, Science
Image by Greg Montani from Pixabay

17 Things to Do While Under “Stay At Home” Orders

As more and more states are issuing “Stay At Home” or “Shelter In Place” directives the average American is finding themselves out of work and with far too much time on their hands. Many heathens are boasting they are “working from home” while they are really just watching sinful pornographics […]

by March 29, 2020 2 comments Lifestyle
NIAID / CC BY (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)

Dr. Fauci Warns About Risks of Masturbation in COVID-19 Era

COVID-19 media superstar, Dr. Anthony Fauci, allegedly had a landline telephone conversation with our founder, and fellow doctor, Lonnie Childs. During this landmark meeting of the minds, Dr. Fauci allegedly gave Dr. Childs some key scientific information as it relates to masturbation and the spread of the deadly COVID-19 virus. […]

by March 29, 2020 0 comments Science
Pope Francis Supports Lonnie Childs in His Mission to Cleanse the Earth

Pope Francis Supports Lonnie Childs in His Mission to Cleanse the Earth

After many sit down meetings and hours on private phone conversations, it appears that none other than Pope Francis finally has accepted Lonnie Childs’s plan to eradicate the Earth of masturbation. Speaking to his millions… and millions of fans on Twitter, Pope Francis went on quite a rant about how […]

by September 14, 2015 0 comments Lonnie Childs
Masturbators Cause Cucumber Recall in California

Masturbators Cause Cucumber Recall in California

Our friends at Fox News have reported on a “salmonella outbreak” that has caused the recall of cucumbers in California. While it is true that there has been a mass recall of the unfortunately shaped vegetable in the state, the Big Masturbation media handlers have once again covered up the […]

by September 8, 2015 4 comments Family Values
Short pants bring out the Devil in masturbators.

Shorts: Satan’s Garment

A new study by the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow resulted in the discovery that there is a significant increase in self-rape rates in the warmer months of the year. Faith Scientist, Brother Richie Brinkman made the startling conclusion that one of the key factors to this spike in masturbation statistics is […]

by August 28, 2015 8 comments Gateway Drug
Lonnie Childs Pulls Masturbation Confession from Sandwich Baron

Lonnie Childs Pulls Masturbation Confession from Sandwich Baron

By now you’ve probably already seen the news that former sandwich icon, Jared Fogle, of the famed Subway fast food chain is about to plead guilty to allegations that he possessed illegal child pornography. Prior to this revelation, Fogle had been mum about his level of guilt in the Jared […]

by August 18, 2015 3 comments Celebrity, Lonnie Childs
“Scientific Study” Requires Men to Masturbate to Pornography

“Scientific Study” Requires Men to Masturbate to Pornography

A “friend” shared a completely disgusting article the other day that claimed a “scientific study” recently found that men ejaculate larger amounts of sperm when they’re with, what they called, “novel” women. I was initially suspicious of this posting, so I read further and realized that this was not a […]

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