Articles by: Milton Grits

Europe’s Newest Country: Taxes Optional, Masturbation Illegal

Europe’s Newest Country: Taxes Optional, Masturbation Illegal

LIBERLAND, EUROPE – Europe’s newest country, the tiny nation of Liberland, was heralded into existence earlier this week. The new nation-state, situated on the banks of the Danube River on a strip of land between Croatia and Serbia, was created by Normal European citizens looking to escape the high tax […]

by April 19, 2015 3 comments Foreigners
The Star Trek’s Dr. Spock, Leonard Nimoy, Dies at 83

The Star Trek’s Dr. Spock, Leonard Nimoy, Dies at 83

LOS ANGELES, CALIF. — Leonard Nimoy, the sonorous, gaunt-faced actor who won a worshipful global following as Dr. Spock, the resolutely logical human-alien first officer of the Starship Enterprise in “The Star Trek” television and movie franchise, died on Friday morning at his home in the Bel Air section of […]

by February 27, 2015 14 comments Celebrity, Death
Sheriff Arpaio declares open season on hobos and helpers alike

Arizona Pastor Jailed for Feeding Homeless

PHOENIX, ARIZ. — In a fiery press conference, Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio angrily defended the arrest of Pastor Lonnie Childs at his mobile soup kitchen outside a Phoenix homeless shelter. On Saturday evening, the Christian pastor was charged by Sheriff’s deputies with violating a recently enacted law prohibiting food-sharing operations […]

by February 13, 2015 5 comments B.L.U.F.F., Lonnie Childs, Trending
When the going gets tough, the Blecks go shopping.

Pastor Lonnie Childs Calls For Peace in Ferguson, Mo.

SAFFORD, ARIZ. — Pending the announcement of the grand jury verdict in Ferguson, Mo. clearing Officer Darren Wilson of wrongdoing in the shooting of robbery suspect Michael Brown, angry protesters vowed to take their rage to the streets regardless of the decision. With racial tensions flaring anew, Childs urged the […]

by November 24, 2014 12 comments Family Values
Lena Dunham: Masturbation Led to Abuse of Sister, Green Hair

Lena Dunham: Masturbation Led to Abuse of Sister, Green Hair

HBO actress and writer Lena Dunham is catching a firestorm of criticism after bloggers have called attention to a number of shocking revelations in her book, Not That Kind of Girly. In the book, Dunham talks about her privileged upbringing and her ultra-rich left-wing artist parents, growing up in a […]

by November 4, 2014 10 comments Celebrity
Eric Holder Resigns Ahead of Looming Masturbation Scandal

Eric Holder Resigns Ahead of Looming Masturbation Scandal

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Disgraced U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder, the nation’s so-called “top cop” and chief legal adviser to President Barack Obama, has announced his imminent resignation as new revelations about the Justice Department’s secretive Operation Fap and Furious come to light. It has been learned that the covert program, […]

by September 29, 2014 6 comments Politics, Trending, World
Increased self-confidence

Seven Things You Can Expect When Quitting Masturbation

KEY LARGO, FLA. — For those serious about taking their physical, emotional and spiritual health back into their own hands, here are seven great things you can expect after quitting masturbation once and for all. 1. Increased self-confidence. Since masturbation results in self-doubt, self-loathing and general disorientation, your focus as […]

by September 26, 2014 7 comments Lifestyle, Self-Rape Prevention, Trending
Win a Stop Masturbation Now AR-15 Rifle!

Win a Stop Masturbation Now AR-15 Rifle!

SAFFORD, ARIZ. — Did you know Stop Masturbation Now Ministries Inc. is GIVING AWAY a fully semi-automatic AR-15 assault rifle? Yes! For a limited time, you can enter the official SMN Rifle Raffle to win a brand new high-tech tactical Armalite AR assault gun!   This Colt AK-15 assault submachine rifle […]

You’ll be shocked when you see how masturbators live. It made me a little sick.

You’ll be shocked when you see how masturbators live. It made me a little sick.

BOCA RATON, FLA. — As everyone knows, masturbators are almost always depressed, socially retarded shut-ins. Their world consists of fixating on distasteful online pornographies flooding the Internet and beating their own privates to a pulp. Since their lives revolve around the one sinful act of Onanism, other aspects such as faith, family, […]

by September 10, 2014 40 comments Morals
New Report: John Denver Crashed Aircraft While Masturbating

New Report: John Denver Crashed Aircraft While Masturbating

PACIFIC GROVE,CALIF. — This week, forensic investigators announced that 53-year old singer-songwriter John Denver lost control of his light aircraft while masturbating, causing the plane to crash into Monterey Bay, Calif. 17 years ago. The case, which had been closed several years ago following an inconclusive investigation of Denver’s airplane […]

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