Big Masturbation

Case Study: The Influence of Big Masturbation on American Society

Case Study: The Influence of Big Masturbation on American Society

The Big Masturbation Conspiracy: Preliminary Findings In keeping with the Mission of the Patriot Act, the Department of Homeland Security has organized a joint study and collaborative relationship among elements of the FBI, CIA, and the Stop Masturbation Now Ministry. The purpose of the study is to determine the extent […]

by August 22, 2020 4 comments Big Masturbation
Masturbation Mystery Unraveled

Masturbation Mystery Unraveled

Ever wonder what the name of the sportswear company, ADIDAS, stood for? Wonder no more! STOP Masturbation NOW codebreakers have deciphered the seemingly nonsensical word and it appears that the slippery tentacles of Big Masturbation have found yet another way to subliminally influence society into thinking that masturbation is “hip” […]

by March 26, 2020 3 comments Big Masturbation, Morals, Sports
CORONA-19 HOAX

CORONA-19 HOAX

CORONA-19 is a nefarious global plot by Big Masturbation to quarantine everyone indoors with nothing else to do all day but play with their sin zones! TRUMP made America Great Again® but the socialist DEMONcrats want to make America ‘Bate Again! Don’t let Satan and his evil minions win! STOP […]

by March 19, 2020 17 comments Big Masturbation
Study Promoting Masturbation at Work Leads to Woman’s Pregnancy in “Neutral Gender” Restroom

Study Promoting Masturbation at Work Leads to Woman’s Pregnancy in “Neutral Gender” Restroom

Mark Sergeant, a senior lecturer in psychology at Nottingham Trent University, stated recently that a masturbation break would be “very effective at work” and a “great way to relieve tension and stress.” Psychologist and life coach Dr. Cliff Arnall agreed. “I would expect a masturbation policy to result in more […]

Lonnie Childs Cleared as Suspect in Brutal Murder

Lonnie Childs Cleared as Suspect in Brutal Murder

SAFFORD, Ariz. – The FBI is now involved in the case of a murdered Lonvidian woman, found dead in her home early Tuesday morning. Safford police confirmed they are no longer considering Lonnie Childs to be a suspect in the case, and detectives have moved on to other suspects. “There’s […]

SMN Ministries Announces Boycott and Protest of Masturbation Movie “A Cure For Wellness”

SMN Ministries Announces Boycott and Protest of Masturbation Movie “A Cure For Wellness”

“And when the LORD saw it, he abhorred them, because of the provoking of his sons, and of his daughters.” — Deut 32.19 In an expected move, SMN Ministries has announced its intention to protest the newest release from Regency Enterprises. A Cure for Wellness is Hollywood’s newest Big Masturbation […]

by February 8, 2017 11 comments Big Masturbation, Moral Outrage, Morals
David Bowie Dead Of Cancer

David Bowie Dead Of Cancer

ENGLAND, PROBABLY, MAYBE SCOTLAND (SMNNN) Horrible androgen Martian-spider/human hybrid Sex-goblin rockpop icon, and profuse masturbator David Bowie succumbed to various masturbation related cancers today, he was 69 years old. Bowie, long an androgynous mess of a waste of sinning oxygen, had a long and storied career beginning in 1978 when […]

Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW

Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW

The grumblings have going on for some time among the Stop Masturbation NOW elders and I in good conscience must come out and say: Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW! The man is a disgrace to Brother Lonnie’s outreach efforts to poor and disenfranchised children who […]

Won’t You Please Help?

Won’t You Please Help?

For immediate release: “My brothers and sisters…I, Lonald “Lonnie” Childs, having fought the scourge of masturbation for decades now must come to you in our most desperate hour.  The 30% tithe of their gross income that my followers pay has in the past been sufficient to fund my ministry and […]

Brother Lonnie Accused of Patronizing Ashley Madison

Brother Lonnie Accused of Patronizing Ashley Madison

As the fallout of the Ashley Madison masturbation scandal reaches its climax it’s to be expected the LIEberal elements of the netsites would try to tarnish Brother Lonnie’s saintly visage with tawdry claims that his e-mail account was among the millions exposed by hackers.  The notorious lesbian netsite hacker known […]

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