Compound News

Lonnie Childs Cleared as Suspect in Brutal Murder

Lonnie Childs Cleared as Suspect in Brutal Murder

SAFFORD, Ariz. – The FBI is now involved in the case of a murdered Lonvidian woman, found dead in her home early Tuesday morning. Safford police confirmed they are no longer considering Lonnie Childs to be a suspect in the case, and detectives have moved on to other suspects. “There’s […]

Inferior Gendered Housewife shows a spark of intelligence.

Ohio Housewife Admits to Being Just as Stupid as We Told Her She Was

Sarah Jenkins is a frequent visitor to our Facebook page, and often makes offensive comments about Lonvidians in multiple posts throughout the day. Many of our members have tried to explain to her how she is ruining her life and family by masturbating – even damning her soul to hell […]

by February 2, 2017 9 comments Compound News
Stop Masturbation Satellite Hacked: Now Distributing Gay Porn

Stop Masturbation Satellite Hacked: Now Distributing Gay Porn

(StopMasturbationNOW)-Last week was a feel good moment for us here at StopMasturbationNOW. We had just launched our first satellite the Childs1 into space. Unfortunately, less than one week into service hackers have taken over the satellite and are now using it to distribute interracial gay porn from websites such as […]

Fappy Sentenced To Eight Years Imprisonment

Fappy Sentenced To Eight Years Imprisonment

SAFFORD AZ (SMNNN) Paul Horner, the man inside the Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin furry mascot suit has been sentenced to eight years in federal prison following his arrest for accosting sea-animals at Sea World aquarium. Saul Reubenstein, Horner’s attorney says they tried really hard, but the evidence against Paul Horner […]

by December 2, 2015 9 comments Celebrity, Compound News, Crime, Trending, World
Save Not Shame! It’s what Lonnie Would Do.

Save Not Shame! It’s what Lonnie Would Do.

EDITORIAL (SMNNN) During these tumultuous times, vicious rumors, and terrible evil seem to have befallen us all, which, is no doubt, the fault of masturbators ruining the Earth as the make themselves pawns to the sick, evil, plans of Satan. But recently, we have all had to make sacrifices, and […]

by November 17, 2015 1 comment Compound News, Fappy, King Lonald Holy Bible, Lonnie Childs
Saint-Shaming is NOT Okay

Saint-Shaming is NOT Okay

Once upon a time, our white-male-cis-hetero Forefathers were instructed by God to construct a vessel of righteousness and flee the wicked and perverse generation of the Church of England. Anglicans had legalized marijuana and masturbation, thereby ushering in the long decline of Western civilization. The Puritans and/or Pilgrims sought to […]

Brother Lonnie Accused of Patronizing Ashley Madison

Brother Lonnie Accused of Patronizing Ashley Madison

As the fallout of the Ashley Madison masturbation scandal reaches its climax it’s to be expected the LIEberal elements of the netsites would try to tarnish Brother Lonnie’s saintly visage with tawdry claims that his e-mail account was among the millions exposed by hackers.  The notorious lesbian netsite hacker known […]

Annual 4 Corners Mass-Wedding Ceremony Set for September

Annual 4 Corners Mass-Wedding Ceremony Set for September

  Have you ever dreamed of participating in a mass-wedding ceremony performed by your favorite alternative religious leader?  What about joining, in holy matrimony, with four of your same-race assigned spouses at the same time?  If so, you will be glad to know that SMN Ministries has the Annual “4-Points […]

Are All Internet Trolls Masturbators?

Are All Internet Trolls Masturbators?

B.L.U.F.F CAMPOUND (SAFFORD, AZ) Workers at the B.L.U.F.F Campound and Uranium Mines in Safford, Arizona announced today that they have proven that all internet trolls are horrible, Godless, masturbating, heathens. In an exhausting study of internets around the globe, a 16 year inquiry finally ended with the unfortunate suicide of […]

by May 29, 2015 5 comments B.L.U.F.F., Compound News, Lifestyle, Lonnie Childs
Lonnie Childs Releases 10 Point Plan to Address Compound Overcrowding

Lonnie Childs Releases 10 Point Plan to Address Compound Overcrowding

(StopMasturbationNOW)—The following is a release from Dr Lonnie Childs to the SMN fellowship… 4/21/2015 Greetings my friends. It is hard to believe we are already one third through 2015. These have been difficult yet promising times. The world has never seen so much evil and danger, yet those same evils and […]

by April 21, 2015 3 comments B.L.U.F.F., Compound News
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