Lonnie Childs Cleared as Suspect in Brutal Murder

Lonnie Childs Cleared as Suspect in Brutal Murder

SAFFORD, Ariz. – The FBI is now involved in the case of a murdered Lonvidian woman, found dead in her home early Tuesday morning. Safford police confirmed they are no longer considering Lonnie Childs to be a suspect in the case, and detectives have moved on to other suspects. “There’s […]

Eternal fire awaits those who "Burn The Man"

Burn “The Man” Now…Burn IN HELL Later!

Friends, I want to warn you about a nefarious group of liberal anarchists who make annual pilgrimages to the Black Rock desert in Mexico to partake in the so-called “Burning Man” festival. The Burning Man Project started in the early 1980’s after a group of San Franciscan hippers high on the […]

by September 14, 2015 22 comments Death
Tim Tebow Convicted of Murder

Tim Tebow Convicted of Murder

Superbowl winning superstar quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles, Tim Tebow has been convicted of first degree murder and sentence to life without parole.  Brother Lonnie has called for the public to withhold judgment until all the facts are known.  In his statement Brother Lonnie cautioned against judging God’s favorite white […]

The Star Trek’s Dr. Spock, Leonard Nimoy, Dies at 83

The Star Trek’s Dr. Spock, Leonard Nimoy, Dies at 83

LOS ANGELES, CALIF. — Leonard Nimoy, the sonorous, gaunt-faced actor who won a worshipful global following as Dr. Spock, the resolutely logical human-alien first officer of the Starship Enterprise in “The Star Trek” television and movie franchise, died on Friday morning at his home in the Bel Air section of […]

by February 27, 2015 14 comments Celebrity, Death
Dick Danus is a war hero!!!  Respect him and his new wife.

A Day of Tragedy, Remembrance and Joy

A day that was meant to be a glorious event full of love, the marriage of Myron Danus to Paula Austin, turned to tragedy today, but we at the Stop Masturbation Now compound are not people who let a death in our group stop us from helping to create new […]

by December 14, 2014 20 comments Death
(image source: turydddu @ Flickr, retouched by JovanCormac ([2]) [CC-BY-2.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons)

19-Year-Old Girl Drowns Masturbating In Shower

19-Year-Old Becky Hawkins of Pink Hill, North Carolina met the same fate that befalls 100% of all masturbators when she died committing the sin of self-rape in her shower. Masturbating in the shower is very popular, particularly with females. You can check this site if you don’t believe it, as […]

Top Five Animals In Danger Of Extinction Due To Masturbation

Top Five Animals In Danger Of Extinction Due To Masturbation

THE ENVIRONMENT- (SMNNN) Masturbation, and the dreaded Masturbation Residue Film Particles (MRFPs) endanger all living things, but some animal and species are in danger of going the way of the Great Normal Rhinoceros and the giraffe, and becoming extinct from masturbation. Here is a list of the most endangered animals: […]

by November 17, 2014 6 comments Death, Science, Supernatural Disaster, World
Pre-Coming Of The Apocalypse May Have Already Begun

Pre-Coming Of The Apocalypse May Have Already Begun

WATERBURY CT- (SMNNN) The End of Days maybe be upon us all, thus ringing in the beginning of the Rapture, and it all centers on one small city in the forgotten state of Connecticut. Waterbury CT, a small and once-cursed by Native Tee-Pee and Wigwam Indians to be an uninhabitable […]

(image source: By Thue (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons)

100% Of All Car Accidents Are Caused By Masturbators

The world’s last great think tank, The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow, recently finished an 18-month study on the root cause of automobile accidents. The results they found, while predictable, were still shocking to the average American who still has not accepted Lonnie Childs as their personal anti-masturbation savior. Car […]

by November 13, 2014 18 comments Death, Faith Graph, Lonnie Childs, Morals
Masturbation is Russian Roulette!

Masturbation is Russian Roulette!

Heart attacks, blindness and ligament damage (Devil’s Elbow) are all diseases associated with self-rape.  Whenever you masturbate you’re playing Russian Roulette!  Your next stroke of the sin-sword or ringing of the Devil’s Doorbell could be your last!  Do you really want to go out like British rocker Michael Hutchinson or […]

by October 20, 2014 11 comments Death
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