SEATTLE WA/ WALPOLE MA- (SMNNN) Faithscientists suspect EbolAIDS, the most dangerous masturbation-spread and homogayest of diseases, has possibly become airborne, as they predicted it would, following two cases of inanimate object rape, a sexual act so disgusting it would require one to be in the fatal stages of the Airborne […]
HENRICO-VA (SMNNN) Alfonzo (last name withheld) died last week of masturbatory semen toxemia, a horrible condition caused by years of shameless and compulsive self-rape, which causes it’s victims to inflate with excess semen due to an over-stimulated sin-center in the masturbatory cortex. Alfonzo suffered from this disease for weeks until […]
<Anbar Provence> A young marine, private Lance P. Henderson, of Scottsdale, AZ, was deployed to the Anbar Provence of Afghaninstasia to assist in executing the terror wars. His duties, clearly defined by his company commander, included patrol duties around a mountainous terrain where enemy confrontation was somewhat likely. Before his […]
Further proving that golf is an evil sport that should be banned, a deranged masturbator took a golf club and murdered nearly 1000 chickens in a facility near Fresno, California. The facility, owned by chicken manufacturer, Foster Farms, claimed that 920 chickens were murdered “with a golf club or other […]
Twenty-year old Kevin Ward, Jr. self-raped and hemp bonged shortly before throwing himself in front of noted anti-masturbation, white Christian warrior and NASCAR racing sensation Tony Stewart according to the recently released autopsy. Amateur footage suggests that the young driver was masturbating during the race when God fearing Christian white […]
In a scene straight out of a Hollywood script, Brother Lonald “Lonnie” Childs saved everyone aboard a Virgin Airlines flight to Los Angeles from a self-rape terrorist attack by notorious masturbater Doug Adams with the help of Jesus and his blunderbuss “Ol Tess”. Adams attempted to bring down the flight […]
![(source: By BuzzWoof (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons)](https://stopmasturbationnow.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/640px-Jelly_Fish2-174x131.jpg)
A Florida man is dead after being swarmed by box jellyfish in the waters off of Apollo Beach over the weekend. Tampa Bay authorities have identified the man, Martin Robertson, 18, of South Tampa and have confirmed he was alone at the time of the attack. Initially it was unknown […]
“We will see a new species of human, or sub-human rather, by 2050 if things progress at current rates.” That’s a pretty shocking claim from Faith Scientist Dr. Ian Norton, but Dr. Norton backs up this claim with decades of evidence he and other faith researchers have compiled to prove […]
“Our prayers will heal the damage to your soul from life of masturbation, but only time will heal your vagina.” – Brother Doug Pinnic The fact that masturbation gives you the Gay, is basic Faith Science. And if we learned anything from Tom Cruise’s movie “Philadelphia”, is that unlike famous basketball […]
Officials speculate that an attempt to join a fictional ‘club’ of masturbatory achievement has led to a small plane crashing off the coast of Jamaica on Friday. Many details are still unknown, however it is now confirmed that the doomed flight left Rochester, New York this morning and became “unresponsive” […]
