Lonnie Childs

Official White House Photo by Joyce N. Boghosian

Expert: Masturbation Rates Will Skyrocket Due to “Social Distancing”

President Donald Trump backed off of his “let’s open up America again for Easter” claims and has officially extended “social distancing” through April 30th. Faith Science Expert and our own fearless leader, Lonnie Childs, took to an evening fax to warn His followers. Brother Lonnie’s fax began by thanking all […]

by March 29, 2020 2 comments Lonnie Childs, Science
Brother Lonnie Childs Declares The Ten Commandments Now The Eleven Commandments

Brother Lonnie Childs Declares The Ten Commandments Now The Eleven Commandments

B.L.U.F.F CAMPOUND, SAFFORD AZ (SMNNN) Brother Lonnie Childs revealed today, that God himself, in all his Godly splendor and wisdom, decreed unto Brother Lonnie the command to augment the traditional Ten Commandments, and replace them throughout the Christian world with the New Eleven Commandments. The Eleven Commandments remain largely unchanged […]

by November 18, 2015 3 comments History, Lonnie Childs, Morals, Premier, Trending, World
Save Not Shame! It’s what Lonnie Would Do.

Save Not Shame! It’s what Lonnie Would Do.

EDITORIAL (SMNNN) During these tumultuous times, vicious rumors, and terrible evil seem to have befallen us all, which, is no doubt, the fault of masturbators ruining the Earth as the make themselves pawns to the sick, evil, plans of Satan. But recently, we have all had to make sacrifices, and […]

by November 17, 2015 1 comment Compound News, Fappy, King Lonald Holy Bible, Lonnie Childs
Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW

Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW

The grumblings have going on for some time among the Stop Masturbation NOW elders and I in good conscience must come out and say: Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW! The man is a disgrace to Brother Lonnie’s outreach efforts to poor and disenfranchised children who […]

Top Five Self-Rape Detterents

Top Five Self-Rape Detterents

B.L.U.F.F RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT, SAFFORD AZ (SMNNN) Even though the STOP masturbation NOW Ministries are busy fighting heathens, non-Normals, heretics, Big Masturbation, and Common sLIEnce, we can’t be there to help everyone beat off Satan all the time. As such, we have devoted a huge amount of resources and over […]

by November 13, 2015 6 comments Lonnie Childs, Self-Rape Prevention
Brother Lonnie Announces He Forgives Native American Teepee Indians

Brother Lonnie Announces He Forgives Native American Teepee Indians

Brother Lonald “Lonnie” Childs has long been a pioneer in race relations through his compassionate programs to institute White privilege for all through prayer and free skin bleaching procedures.  As such Brother Lonnie has seen a disturbing rise of intolerance that he has decided to combat.  With recent efforts by […]

Pope Francis Supports Lonnie Childs in His Mission to Cleanse the Earth

Pope Francis Supports Lonnie Childs in His Mission to Cleanse the Earth

After many sit down meetings and hours on private phone conversations, it appears that none other than Pope Francis finally has accepted Lonnie Childs’s plan to eradicate the Earth of masturbation. Speaking to his millions… and millions of fans on Twitter, Pope Francis went on quite a rant about how […]

by September 14, 2015 0 comments Lonnie Childs
Won’t You Please Help?

Won’t You Please Help?

For immediate release: “My brothers and sisters…I, Lonald “Lonnie” Childs, having fought the scourge of masturbation for decades now must come to you in our most desperate hour.  The 30% tithe of their gross income that my followers pay has in the past been sufficient to fund my ministry and […]

Brother Lonnie Accused of Patronizing Ashley Madison

Brother Lonnie Accused of Patronizing Ashley Madison

As the fallout of the Ashley Madison masturbation scandal reaches its climax it’s to be expected the LIEberal elements of the netsites would try to tarnish Brother Lonnie’s saintly visage with tawdry claims that his e-mail account was among the millions exposed by hackers.  The notorious lesbian netsite hacker known […]

Annual 4 Corners Mass-Wedding Ceremony Set for September

Annual 4 Corners Mass-Wedding Ceremony Set for September

  Have you ever dreamed of participating in a mass-wedding ceremony performed by your favorite alternative religious leader?  What about joining, in holy matrimony, with four of your same-race assigned spouses at the same time?  If so, you will be glad to know that SMN Ministries has the Annual “4-Points […]

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