Lonnie Childs

WWE Champion Brock Lesnar (image source: West Annex News [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons)

Lonnie Childs Saves Wrestlemania, Convinces Brock Lesnar To Sign With WWE

World Wrestling Entertainment fans can breathe a big sigh of relief as Lonnie Childs has convinced current champion, Brock Lesnar, to renew his contract with the company. Lesnar’s status with the “sports entertainment” group had been uncertain and Lesnar had hinted at a return to mixed martial arts fighting. Things […]

by March 24, 2015 4 comments Lonnie Childs
Imagine a world without self-rape.


ISLAND MEXICO (SMNNN) Often, we here at Stop Masturbation Now Ministries are asked just how successful are we at converting heathen, self-rapist, foreigners into useful, upstanding, God-fearing, productive members of society. Today, we lambast the nay-sayers, and sinning unbelievers, who mock us so readily, and often, with the masturbatory drivel, […]

Sneak Peek: The Prophecy: A Revelation of Lonnie Childs

Sneak Peek: The Prophecy: A Revelation of Lonnie Childs

(StopMasturbationNow)— Next week the most important piece of literature ever published will be released. “The Prophecy: A Revelation of Lonnie Childs” will be published here free to all subscribers of this netsite. We bring you a sneak preview of a little bit of it. With the armies of darkness swarming […]

by March 2, 2015 3 comments Lonnie Childs
Sheriff Arpaio declares open season on hobos and helpers alike

Arizona Pastor Jailed for Feeding Homeless

PHOENIX, ARIZ. — In a fiery press conference, Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio angrily defended the arrest of Pastor Lonnie Childs at his mobile soup kitchen outside a Phoenix homeless shelter. On Saturday evening, the Christian pastor was charged by Sheriff’s deputies with violating a recently enacted law prohibiting food-sharing operations […]

by February 13, 2015 5 comments B.L.U.F.F., Lonnie Childs, Trending
Miley Cyrus. (image source: By Rob Sinclair [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons)

Lonnie Childs Prevents New Miley Cyrus Film From Being Screened

Brother Lonnie has done it again! A pro-masturbation film festival in the den of sin, New York City, had scheduled to screen a video featuring the Big Masturbation sex android herself, Miley Cyrus. Thanks to your prayers and Brother Lonnie’s tireless efforts, it has now been confirmed that the Big […]

by February 13, 2015 6 comments Big Masturbation, Celebrity, Lonnie Childs
Repeat this affirmation daily and be at peace my Brothers and Sisters.

Miracle: Lonnie’s Celestial Intervention Prevents Parishioner From Self-Raping!

A miracle has occurred this week, as Stop Masturbation Now founder and American Hero, Lonnie Childs, has intervened to save the immortal soul of a parishioner known simply as ‘Thomas’. ‘Thomas’ was asleep in bed when a miracle sent by Lonnie Childs awakened him in order to alert ‘Thomas’ to […]

Is it Time to Thank Lonnie for Lower Gasoline Prices?

Is it Time to Thank Lonnie for Lower Gasoline Prices?

(StopMasturbationNow)—About a year ago, our illustrious leader Lonnie had to fill his truck up at the gasoline pump after handing out pamphlets outside a local high school volleyball game.  His the total was over one hundred dollars for the first time in his life. Now Lonnie isn’t about to go […]

by February 10, 2015 7 comments Lonnie Childs, Money
Lonnie Childs: “Slavery Was a Giant Mistake”

Lonnie Childs: “Slavery Was a Giant Mistake”

(StopMasturbationNow)—Leader Lonnie Childs finished his speaking tour of the east coast last Thursday with a speech to hundreds of eager listeners in Bangor, Maine. As is typical for his final stop, Lonnie took some extra time to reflect on the trip to those in the audience. “Over the last few weeks I […]

(image source: Detienne MC (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons)

New Female Masturbation Solution

Brother Lonnie’s Anti-Masturbation Research and Development team has recently completed work on one of their most ambitious projects to date; a contraption that serves as a solution to the female masturbation problem. The new product, dubbed the “Sin Cave Stopper®” by Brother Lonnie, himself, has reached the final testing stages […]

So Long Obama

So Long Obama

You know you’re on the way out It’s just a matter of time You thought you’d rule the world forever Long live Lonnie, don’t spare the loser After all, you’re not what you thought you were at all You’re just a non-normal fact on nature’s hard unfeeling trail And all […]

by January 29, 2015 12 comments Lonnie Childs
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