Money

Does Masturbation Hurt your Credit Score?

Does Masturbation Hurt your Credit Score?

(StopMasturbationNOW)—A good credit score can be a major factor in your quality of life. Anything from home ownership to the quality of spouse you attract is directly tied to your FICO score. Many things affect your credit score. If you’ve just moved to the USA then you may need to […]

by April 17, 2020 13 comments Money
Image by Mylene2401 from Pixabay

The Truth Behind the Toilet Paper Shortages

Toilet paper is out of stock everywhere. This is the reality that humans worldwide have been forced to contend with lately. However, the lieberal media would have you believe that “hoarders” or “preppers” are snapping of every roll of “white gold” they see. This is simply not true. Sources deep […]

by March 30, 2020 9 comments Money
Saint-Shaming is NOT Okay

Saint-Shaming is NOT Okay

Once upon a time, our white-male-cis-hetero Forefathers were instructed by God to construct a vessel of righteousness and flee the wicked and perverse generation of the Church of England. Anglicans had legalized marijuana and masturbation, thereby ushering in the long decline of Western civilization. The Puritans and/or Pilgrims sought to […]

Won’t You Please Help?

Won’t You Please Help?

For immediate release: “My brothers and sisters…I, Lonald “Lonnie” Childs, having fought the scourge of masturbation for decades now must come to you in our most desperate hour.  The 30% tithe of their gross income that my followers pay has in the past been sufficient to fund my ministry and […]

A Hand Up, Not a Hand Job

A Hand Up, Not a Hand Job

  Ever since the Oriental race was first domesticated by man, the female of the species has proven herself an excellent companion to her male better, attending to his needs for a negligible fee and enduring psychological and bodily torments Western women have long since spurned, though it is their biblical duty […]

Is it Time to Thank Lonnie for Lower Gasoline Prices?

Is it Time to Thank Lonnie for Lower Gasoline Prices?

(StopMasturbationNow)—About a year ago, our illustrious leader Lonnie had to fill his truck up at the gasoline pump after handing out pamphlets outside a local high school volleyball game.  His the total was over one hundred dollars for the first time in his life. Now Lonnie isn’t about to go […]

by February 10, 2015 7 comments Lonnie Childs, Money
Study: Masturbation is Directly Related to Lower Wages

Study: Masturbation is Directly Related to Lower Wages

(Stop Masturbation Now)—A new study just released by the foundation for a better tomorrow shows a direct correlation between masturbation and lower wages in America. A two year federally funded study of six thousand Americans across various races, ages and genders was completed in which they looked at average wages […]

by October 21, 2014 18 comments Money, Science
Bill Gates Donates $1 Million To Gun Control; $2 Million To Tina’s Law

Bill Gates Donates $1 Million To Gun Control; $2 Million To Tina’s Law

American Billionaire and sometimes computer whiz kid, Bill Gates, shocked second amendment advocates when he donated $1 million (SMD) to a Washington State campaign to expand background checks on gun sales. The Gates family’s disturbing anti-Bill of Rights donation was negated moments later when Gates donated $2 million (USD) to a committee to […]

by August 27, 2014 4 comments Money, Politics, Tina's Law
Christian Anti-Masturbation Group Sues Other Christian Anti-Masturbation Group For $350 Million Claiming Trademark Infringement

Christian Anti-Masturbation Group Sues Other Christian Anti-Masturbation Group For $350 Million Claiming Trademark Infringement

Creve Coeur, MO — A federally funded Christian anti-masturbation organization claims that another federally funded Christian anti-masturbation organization has violated their intellectual property and is now suing for millions. Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and their parent organization Stop Masturbation Now have accused Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Shark of using the same […]

by August 6, 2014 14 comments Fappy, Money
New Big Masturbation Sin Device (Video!)

New Big Masturbation Sin Device (Video!)

B.L.U.F.F. — Big Masturbation has released a horrifying new masturbation device in the guise of exercise equipment. Please protect your children by reporting and picketing the stores that are selling this device. WARNING: THIS VIDEO CONTAINS HORRIFYING DISPLAYS OF SIN AND SODOMY. PLEASE REMOVE WOMEN, CHILDREN, AND OTHER WEAK-MINDED INDIVIDUALS […]

by July 21, 2014 13 comments Money
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