Politics

Trump to Impose Masturbation Ban

Trump to Impose Masturbation Ban

President Trump confirms he is about to authorize a “ban” on masturbators migration, new restrictions on entry from countries with a history of masturbation. “It’s countries that have tremendous self-rape,” Trump told SMN News in his first Skype interview as president. “And it’s countries that people are going to cum […]

by February 5, 2017 8 comments Politics
Can a Trump Tebow Presidential Ticket Deliver a 50 State Landslide

Can a Trump Tebow Presidential Ticket Deliver a 50 State Landslide

(StopMasturbationNOW)—President Trump is headed to a easy victory this coming November, however he has one last task to make sure that victory is absolute and turned into a mandate from the people. That one thing to do is to pick a running mate. A running mate is probably one of […]

by June 17, 2016 2 comments Politics
Ted Cruz Trying to Sway the Anti-Masturbation Vote Away From Trump

Ted Cruz Trying to Sway the Anti-Masturbation Vote Away From Trump

Ever since SMN Ministries founder and overall spiritual leader Lonnie Childs declared his endorsement for GOP frontrunner Donald Trump, Texas senator Ted Cruz has been lobbying the Anti-Masturbation community for their support, directly. Senator Cruz has repeatedly brought-up his 2004 efforts as Solicitor General of Texas to ban the sale […]

by April 15, 2016 2 comments Politics
Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW

Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW

The grumblings have going on for some time among the Stop Masturbation NOW elders and I in good conscience must come out and say: Paul Horner aka Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin MUST GO NOW! The man is a disgrace to Brother Lonnie’s outreach efforts to poor and disenfranchised children who […]

Saint-Shaming is NOT Okay

Saint-Shaming is NOT Okay

Once upon a time, our white-male-cis-hetero Forefathers were instructed by God to construct a vessel of righteousness and flee the wicked and perverse generation of the Church of England. Anglicans had legalized marijuana and masturbation, thereby ushering in the long decline of Western civilization. The Puritans and/or Pilgrims sought to […]

Brother Lonnie Announces He Forgives Native American Teepee Indians

Brother Lonnie Announces He Forgives Native American Teepee Indians

Brother Lonald “Lonnie” Childs has long been a pioneer in race relations through his compassionate programs to institute White privilege for all through prayer and free skin bleaching procedures.  As such Brother Lonnie has seen a disturbing rise of intolerance that he has decided to combat.  With recent efforts by […]

Won’t You Please Help?

Won’t You Please Help?

For immediate release: “My brothers and sisters…I, Lonald “Lonnie” Childs, having fought the scourge of masturbation for decades now must come to you in our most desperate hour.  The 30% tithe of their gross income that my followers pay has in the past been sufficient to fund my ministry and […]

A Hand Up, Not a Hand Job

A Hand Up, Not a Hand Job

  Ever since the Oriental race was first domesticated by man, the female of the species has proven herself an excellent companion to her male better, attending to his needs for a negligible fee and enduring psychological and bodily torments Western women have long since spurned, though it is their biblical duty […]

What Liberals Actually Believe Will Astonish You

What Liberals Actually Believe Will Astonish You

(StopMaturbationNOW)—Liberals pretend to hold the moral high ground when it comes to facts. They point at evolution, the earth not being flat, and even climate change and laugh at conservatives. However it turns out that liberals themselves are the ones that have the fairy tale beliefs. The foundation for a […]

by June 4, 2015 4 comments Politics
Forced Masturbation of the Handicapped is a Real Thing (Video Proof)

Forced Masturbation of the Handicapped is a Real Thing (Video Proof)

(StopMasturbationNOW)—Masturbation is a top ten cause of disease and also destroys American Family Values. Almost as much as making people gay liberals love to make people masturbate, whether it be television shows like Modern Family or movies like the Avengers, masturbation is everywhere. Usually its the innocent that make the worst victims […]

by June 2, 2015 6 comments Morals, Politics
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