Science

You Will Never Climb to Heaven With Your Hands Full of Penis

You Will Never Climb to Heaven With Your Hands Full of Penis

Foolish is the masturbator who thinks he can enter God’s eternal kingdom! It is literally impossible for a self-rapist to ascend the golden rungs of the heavenly ladder if his hands are abusing his sin zones! -Lonnie

by April 7, 2020 13 comments Science
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Blood of Lonnie Childs Possible Virus Antidote

Faith scientists are hard at work analyzing the blood of our fearless leader, Lonnie Childs, in a bid to curb all known viruses in the world. The idea came to Brother Eli after he watched an undisclosed episode of a vintage TV show where “the hero’s blood was used as […]

by April 3, 2020 6 comments Science
The Dangers of Inappropriate Office Boners (I.O.B.) and How to Stop Them!

The Dangers of Inappropriate Office Boners (I.O.B.) and How to Stop Them!

Have you ever been afflicted by an Inappropriate Office Boner (I.O.B.) at work? It’s an embarrassing condition that can be caused by one of the following three things: too-tight slacks, the tawdry new intern and her suggestive clothing, or thoughts of carpet bombing a foreign nation such as Canada. The […]

Official White House Photo by Joyce N. Boghosian

Expert: Masturbation Rates Will Skyrocket Due to “Social Distancing”

President Donald Trump backed off of his “let’s open up America again for Easter” claims and has officially extended “social distancing” through April 30th. Faith Science Expert and our own fearless leader, Lonnie Childs, took to an evening fax to warn His followers. Brother Lonnie’s fax began by thanking all […]

by March 29, 2020 2 comments Lonnie Childs, Science
NIAID / CC BY (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)

Dr. Fauci Warns About Risks of Masturbation in COVID-19 Era

COVID-19 media superstar, Dr. Anthony Fauci, allegedly had a landline telephone conversation with our founder, and fellow doctor, Lonnie Childs. During this landmark meeting of the minds, Dr. Fauci allegedly gave Dr. Childs some key scientific information as it relates to masturbation and the spread of the deadly COVID-19 virus. […]

by March 29, 2020 0 comments Science
A female masturbator in the throes of self-rape.

Is Masturbation Rape?

In civilized society of old, masturbators were ridiculed and looked down upon. People saw masturbation as a pox and something that caused blindness, fishy smelling fingers, and hairy palms. However, Satan has been hard at work in changing the mind of man. Recently, masturbation has been labeled “okay”, “cool” and […]

by March 25, 2020 15 comments Morals, Science
CORONA-19 VIRUSARS FAITHFACTS

CORONA-19 VIRUSARS FAITHFACTS

Regarding the CORONA-19 VIRUSARS; you cannot trust the LIEberal scLIEnce that is being peddled by the fake news media! Trust in Lonnie, trust in Jesus, and trust in the Faithfacts laid forth in this memer. God bless some of you! Lonnie

by March 16, 2020 2 comments Science
Shameful Dad Walks in on His Daughter Masturbating and Does Nothing to Help Her!

Shameful Dad Walks in on His Daughter Masturbating and Does Nothing to Help Her!

By Nigel J. Covington III Sex Expert October 17, 2018 Dear Nigel, I walked in on my daughter when she was masturbating the other day. I was shocked, but I said nothing — I simply left the room. I have not discussed this with her or with my wife since. […]

Faith Scientists: Masturbation causes Tzatziki Virus

Faith Scientists: Masturbation causes Tzatziki Virus

(StopMasturbationNOW)—One of this year’s hottest topics has been the dreaded Tzatziki Virus. Pronounced “Zeekah” the virus has received extra attention due to the Olympics being held in the largest Mexican territory of Brazil this year. A breakthrough has occurred as Faith Scientists discovered this week the origins of the virus. […]

by June 23, 2016 12 comments Science
Archeologists find Ancient Anti-Masturbation Glove

Archeologists find Ancient Anti-Masturbation Glove

(StopMasturbationNOW)— Archeologists from the Wyoming institute of Technology discovered evidence of an ancient society that was obviously ant-masturbation. Digging in the foothills of the Crimea, a team of 12 men found a metal glove designed to prevent masturbation. “I think they have found evidence of what may be the first […]

by January 25, 2016 6 comments Science
Help Stop Masturbation Now!
Get the latest content first.
We respect your privacy.