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Fappy Sentenced To Eight Years Imprisonment

SAFFORD AZ (SMNNN)

Paul Horner, the man inside the Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin furry mascot suit has been sentenced to eight years in federal prison following his arrest for accosting sea-animals at Sea World aquarium.

Saul Reubenstein, Horner’s attorney says they tried really hard, but the evidence against Paul Horner was far too damning. ” We thought we were gonna get him off,  Scott-free, but a new high-definition video taken by bystander Doug Pinnick, clearly shows him inserting his (censored) into a sea otter. ” Said Attorney Ruebenstein. ” The video really could have been anyone, but they audio recording was the damned icing on the cake! “.

On the video taken by Mr. Pinnick, Horner can clearly be heard identifying himself. ” I was minding my own business in the penguin enclosure, with my 25mp Nikon SLR camera, and I heard such a racket! I even lost my trousers in the all excitement! I barely had time to gain composure and tape this entire horrible spectacle! ” stated Pinnick.

A transcription of said recording:

I am PAUL HORNER! I AM INVINCIBLE! NO ONE CAN STOP ME! (inaudible…screaming…) I AM (censored) BANKSY (censored) I AM THE (censored) DOLPHIN, YOU (censored) BASTARDS! (crashing noises, glass breaking)

Mr. Horner was tased several times, before falling into the sea-otter enclosure, and being detained by Sea World security.

Brother Lonnie Childs offers no comment at this time, but has asked to be informed as this situation progresses.

Paul Horner has posted bail, but then fled in a westerly direction. Police have issued a $10,000,000 reward for his capture, dead or alive. Anyone sighting Paul Horner is asked not to approach him, and to contact local authorities immediately!

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Don
Don
5 years ago

*penis… All men have one.

masturb8
masturb8
5 years ago

hahahaha this is gold

Archer
Archer
5 years ago

At least he wasn’t masturbating.

notowanking@hotmail.com

This is the funniest thing I have read in years. Thank you so much for making me laugh so hard I am actually weeping

w4nk
5 years ago

Came here to jack it

Faperrrr23
Faperrrr23
5 years ago

With a quick Google search, I have found out that Paul Horner is a writer for a fake news site who according to that site swatted someone and was sentenced for 25 years in prison. So this article accuses an innocent man who was accused of a different crime for fucking a walrus. I think you just tried to find a criminal with a last name that was close to horny, yet you persist to rely on a random news service on the internet.

Lonnie Childs
Admin
5 years ago
Reply to  Faperrrr23

Well, that’s really, really wrong.

Thomas Kelly
Thomas Kelly
5 years ago
Reply to  Faperrrr23

Paul Horner is a close, albeit deranged, friend of mine! I think I know what happened.

One Punch Man
One Punch Man
5 years ago

This is why I stick with 2 dimensional girls, and why i have lost my faith in god. I am also spelling god with a lowercase g just to piss you fucktards off