Great Moments In Anti-Masturbation History: Seinfeld

Midway through its fourth season, popular NBC sitcom, ‘Seinfeld’, featured an episode called “The Contest” where the main characters all decided to see which one could refrain from masturbation the longest. At first the network was not pleased that the writers of the show had such a vulgar theme for the episode. In fact, NBC felt that masturbation was not a suitable topic for the crown jewel in their “Must See TV” block of programming. On the surface, the fact an episode of a popular program discussed masturbation as a main plot line seems like something Big Masturbation would not hesitate to do. However, when one looks deeper into the episode, it is evident that at least someone behind this particular episode of ‘Seinfeld’, perhaps even Jerry Seinfeld himself, felt that masturbation was a foul act that was meant to be ridiculed.

So, how exactly is this plot a reflection of masturbator culture? Well, first of all, none of the main characters of ‘Seinfeld’ are decent people or are redeemable in any fashion. The show itself hits the audience over the head with a hammer with this concept when (17 YEAR OLD SPOILER ALERT) the entire cast is doomed to rot in prison for their hundreds and hundreds of crimes against humanity; including engaging in masturbation. Especially, the character George, who “wins” the contest but admits in the series finale that he cheated and did not actually refrain from masturbation; thus finding his correct fate behind bars.

Larry David - baseball player, anti-masturbation champion

Larry David – baseball player, anti-masturbation champion

Furthermore, in the “The Contest”, the characters are made to look like animalistic buffoons who are unable to restrain themselves. Simply seeing a partially nude woman in a neighboring apartment’s window is enough to send the character named Cosmo running to self-rape. The lone woman in the main cast, Elaine, is unable to contain herself and self-rapes herself not long after. The main character, Jerry, succumbs to Satan after being unable to have sexual relations for procreation with his mate and then sees the same succubus that caused Cosmo to self-rape. It is never explicitly explained when George self-raped, but based on his own testimony in the series finale, we are led to believe the entire main cast is comprised of filthy, lawless masturbators.

Some Bing searching told me that the concept for episode was from the mind of a man named Larry David. Judging from the only photograph I could find online of him via Bing’s image search, he appears to also be a professional baseball player who dresses well. Mr. David allegedly won a similar contest held by his colleagues. Considering the loose morals of most baseball players, Mr. David should be commended for not only not masturbating but for telling his story to a larger audience while also shaming masturbators in doing so.

Praise Mr. Larry David: slugger, Anti-Masturbation champion and a man who was before his time in trying to use network television to shame the average criminal masturbator.

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6 years ago

I like that Kramer guy, some of his recent stuff is spot on.

Howard Demarco
Howard Demarco
6 years ago

That’s a picture of Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon–not George Costanza and David Seinfeld!

real faith boy
real faith boy
6 years ago

Uh, these guys are Jewboys! You guys converted to Juheadism or something?