Civics

Should People Who Masturbate Be Allowed to Vote?

Confiscated from an early voting station.

Confiscated from an early voting station.

What a country!  As God-appointed Americans, we live in a Christian land, founded on Christian morals by non-masturbating Christian heroes.  One of the great tenets of this fantastic nation in which we reside is the concept of a free democracy.  A government of the people, by the people, for the people.  One of our inalienable rights as a citizens is to partake in an electoral system, where we have the ability to vote on a choice between options, often in an election or on a policy referendum.   

Unfortunately, for now at least, this right also extends to masturbators.

Gilbert

Would you trust this man with the power of a vote?

Considering how immoral, lazy, incompetent and selfish masturbators are and considering how important the voting process is, it begs the question:  Should people who rape themselves be allowed to vote?

When masturbators aren’t working (the few that actually have jobs), they are spending their free time violating themselves, content to pay attention only to the newest masturbation technology or pornographics video, completely ignoring current events or world news.  How can someone as ignorant as that be allowed to make decisions that affect the rest of us?  How could they possibly know that voting Republican is the right choice?

A voting lever to most, a sickening masturbation tool to the depraved.

A voting lever to most, a sickening masturbation tool to the depraved.

I know what some of you are thinking: “Lonnie, masturbators are far too lazy to leave their masturbatoriums to actually get out and vote.  They can’t hurt us.”  Unfortunately, this is not true.  The sad fact is that masturbators get a thrill out of engaging in their filthy little habit behind the curtains of those voting booths.  After they’ve finished, they’ll simply place votes at random.  How else would you explain the success of Barack Hussein Obama?

What are they really up to behind those curtains?

What are they really up to behind those curtains?

We here at STOP Masturbation NOW are lobbying for changes to the current voting laws.  We propose that all voters must pass two blacklight inspections at their voting stations, both before and after they cast a ballot.  If masturbation residue or a vote for a Democrat is discovered, their vote will be null and void and they will be thrown out into the street like the trash that they are.

Simple and effective.

Simple and effective.

For democracy to succeed, we must ensure that the right kind of people are shaping our future.  Normal people, self-celibate people.

 

God bless some of you,

-Lonnie

 

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Cathy Redmond
5 years ago

I support the change in voting laws. Letting masturbators vote is like giving a katana to an orangutan. Nothing good would result.

morious
morious
5 years ago
Reply to  Cathy Redmond

Uh you have some serious issues If you agree with this.

Neveragain
4 years ago
Reply to  morious

What are these dumb people saying. People who masturbate arent bad!! You can have a job be nice and still masturbate!! It’s something natural that we all do.

Javale Mcgee GOAT
Javale Mcgee GOAT
3 years ago
Reply to  morious

How can you possibly take this seriously ?

Faith_Mockbot1
Faith_Mockbot1
5 years ago
Reply to  Cathy Redmond

Praise!

Michael Tagg
5 years ago
Reply to  Cathy Redmond

What a wanker

Greg Logan
5 years ago
Reply to  Cathy Redmond

Thanks Cathy Redmond – Great comment – and I don’t even know what a katana is – but I am sure it is good.

Imamoron@aol.com
Imamoron@aol.com
5 years ago
Reply to  Cathy Redmond

Wow, u r cute. Can you email me some pictures?

Rose Budd
Rose Budd
5 years ago
Reply to  Cathy Redmond

Your picture gives me ideas of what I could be doing in a voting booth right this instant.
Of course, I would be voting for the Christian, repeatedly, with my right hand firmly pulling the polling lever.

Bear
Bear
5 years ago
Reply to  Cathy Redmond

Bs.even you masturbate.Everyone does in one way or another so put a Katana in your hand and see what happens.It will be the same results as the orangutan.

Dick Tracer
Dick Tracer
2 years ago
Reply to  Cathy Redmond

I feel we should take all rights away from anyone who considers themselves Christian.

Katie
Katie
5 years ago

This can’t be a serious sight.. Self raping.. People are simply pleasuring themselves at their own wish.. In their own available time? Of course people who masturbate work and contribute to society, who gave you the authority to be a moral judge? What outrageous statements!! Who have you the right to undermine people who masturbate? It’s a pleasurable experience, which some May chose to carry out and some may not! Regardless if you choose to masturbate or not, no one is any better or worse than the other, no one had any less or more rights than the other and… Read more »

Faith_Mockbot1
Faith_Mockbot1
5 years ago
Reply to  Katie

This can’t be a serious sight.. Self raping.. People are simply pleasuring themselves at their own wish.. In their own available time? Of course people who masturbate work and contribute to society, who gave you the authority to be a moral judge? What outrageous statements!! Who have you the right to undermine people who masturbate? It’s a pleasurable experience, which some May chose to carry out and some may not! Regardless if you choose to masturbate or not, no one is any better or worse than the other, no one had any less or more rights than the other and… Read more »

Sarah
Sarah
5 years ago
Reply to  Faith_Mockbot1

What you do in the bedroom, who you sleep with and where you live and how much money you make has nothing to do with your ability to vote…..this article is ludicrous

Peter Handy
5 years ago
Reply to  Katie

You are mistaken my child, the parable which tells of the seed falling on stoney ground is a reference to the failure of masturbators. It had to be told in a story. The son of god cannot simply say blessed are the motherfuckers but wankers can just piss off.

Manny
Manny
5 years ago

Is this a satire website?

Da Bawse
Da Bawse
3 years ago
Reply to  Manny

I doubt that which makes me want to master bait in the middle of an active highway

nah
nah
5 years ago

Casually wanking behind a curtain because it wont be eard

Brandon Everman
Brandon Everman
5 years ago

Ok for starters… masturbation is not against the law nor is it against “god’s will”. People do it all the time. Sometimes once or twice a day and sometimes maybe one or twice a week. Someone saying they are not allowed to vote is like saying that a gorilla can’t smoke a fucking cigarette. So therefore this is probably the stupidest thing I have read. The bible belts are always saying stupid things (hence this voting/masturbation thing) and I can about assure you that they are probably jacking off or rubbing/fingering themselves right now and have voted for years. I… Read more »

Kenneth Day
5 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

Amen, Dr. Childs!!

Stan Loona Stan Vivi
Stan Loona Stan Vivi
3 months ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

Proof that republicans and Christians are insane ☺️

Joe Hemsworth Psy.M
Joe Hemsworth Psy.M
1 month ago

Hmmmm what does a right wing, gay married atheist come under.

Joeldo
Joeldo
5 years ago

Laughing my nates off… You guys are simply the best!!!

pganze
5 years ago

I can see requiring to wash my hands before I vote…. but try and stop me from masturbating IN the booth.

Name*
Name*
1 month ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

we don’t care about your cult

master debater
master debater
5 years ago

You people really sit there and call yourself Christians? Are you serious right now. The fact that you are discriminating against people who say the dragon??? You people are fucking morons. God forbid I’ll jack off every now and again. And it aint rape! Rape is doing something to someone else that doesn’t want it. Really imma sit their look at my hand and be like please don’t touch my dong no stop it hand please don’t rape me. Lmfao you people are fucking stupid

Stan Loona Stan Vivi
Stan Loona Stan Vivi
3 months ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

Girl the Bible also says And the king said unto her, What aileth thee? And she answered, This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son to morrow. So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son….” but i don’t see you eating kids 😔 fake Christian

Joe Hemsworth Psy.M
Joe Hemsworth Psy.M
1 month ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

Wasn’t Mary Magdalen a prostitue?

Chris Radeloff
5 years ago

Idiots like you shouldn’t be allowed to vote.Lack of a brain seems to have little to do with whether you masturbate or not,it seems.

Susan Oliver
Susan Oliver
5 years ago

How funny. Love it.

Nicole
Nicole
5 years ago

I don’t get the Pray For or Pray Against…. If I pray for them it means I feel they need prayer because they are wrong or sinners and need forgiveness?? So if I pray against, that means the same thing but they don’t deserve forgiveness?

Truffle
5 years ago
Reply to  Nicole

I suggest you get back in kitchen and try not to think about matters that don’t concern lesser-gendereds.

Kenneth Day
5 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

Praise be, Truffle! Your lesser-gendered perspective is on point in this discussion.

Gianna
Gianna
5 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

You are the most despicable person I have ever had the displeasure of knowing off. You are promoting hate and it’s wrong. The Bible may say what it will but you are twisting it to say and do horrible things. You may call yourself a Christian but you are too sick to even understand what you’re doing is so wrong. This is inhumane and I don’t care how long it takes, I’m going to get you arrested or stop you from ever doing something like this again.

lonnieisaretard
lonnieisaretard
5 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

You’re too stupid to exist.

Joe Hemsworth Psy.M
Joe Hemsworth Psy.M
1 month ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

Jesus Christ you are sexist and racist and nuts. And I’m not even left wing

Name*
Name*
1 month ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

he said “sexist” you blind bitch also you’re stupid but you probably will never understand that you’re stupid because you’re very limited. And that’s a fact

mike scarbery
mike scarbery
5 years ago

Lonnie can I save you from temptation and let you use my hand

Chris
Chris
5 years ago

Did you hear of the new group: Suppress Masturbation, Enforce Moral Godly Actions, or SMEGMA.
“Handyman” Dick Woodhardt is the founder…

Ben
Ben
5 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

You mean not real like your imaginary friend?

A non-believer
A non-believer
4 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

This website doesn’t seem real. A racist, sexist, Christian group who believes basic human needs are sinfull. What a load of crap

Name*
Name*
1 month ago
Reply to  A non-believer

this is not a real christian group this is a cult derived from christianity or something

Darryl Carr
5 years ago

In the booth? I guess that depends on how hot the candidates are.

Kenneth Day
5 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

Palin is, of course, the kind of lesser-gendered that any red-blooded man would pray that Lonnie would assign as his SRAS.

Rick Milam
5 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

Lonnie finally blinked. Oh, by the way, I am going blind. Draw your own conclusions.

Ashton Cruz
5 years ago

But how about if I masturbate while I pray and then vote with my free hand?

Dick in my hand
Dick in my hand
5 years ago

I don’t life in America and so i can do it over and over again 😀
But i think this guy lose his Brain by doing something else.Masturbating is good!

lucas
lucas
5 years ago

This has to be a satire article no way any sane human being would write this in seriousness! Either that or womever wrote this literally only wants the 10 people in america that do not masturbate to be able to vote lol.

Sebastian Iragui
5 years ago
Reply to  lucas

Whomever is the objective case!

Satire Satan
Satire Satan
5 years ago

I don’t know whether to “pray for” or “against” things comments I like.

Personally I’ve been using the pray for button as a like button, cause what the fuck else could this masturhater have copied other than the works of the masturbating public?

tripp weiner
tripp weiner
5 years ago

Lonnie, I’m sorry, but you’re really stupid. And if this article is real, it just shows how fucking closed-minded and weird you are.

Kurt
Kurt
5 years ago

Masturbators, fornicators, anyone that engages in sexual activity, should be denied the vote!
Now lets have an orgy

Robert
Robert
5 years ago

This is the Onion, right?

Kt
Kt
5 years ago

Um so there’s gonna be like 5 ppl that vote in The next election. wait can Mormons masturbate & do the Amish vote? That might raise the numbers a lil.

tom
tom
5 years ago

Well as Jesus said to the apostles at the last supper,”You Can Beat an Egg ,But You Cant Beat A Wank”St Paul ,s epiphany to the Pulltheheadofit.

Chris
Chris
5 years ago

God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Hand!

Ben
Ben
5 years ago
Reply to  Chris

Uh and god made women from Adams rib…. Wake up retard

Mustapha Gymsock
Mustapha Gymsock
5 years ago

They will stop me when they pry my cold dead hands off of it

Compa Ran Ta
5 years ago

I’m sorry I couldn’t read this. I’m masturbating

Kai
Kai
5 years ago
Reply to  Compa Ran Ta

Actually, according to the story the hand was made before Eve. You think Adam didn’t at least explore his fun bits?

josh
josh
5 years ago

Hahhahahahahahahahah your all idiots

Truffle
5 years ago
Reply to  josh

*You’re an idiot

Ivan Yankenoff
5 years ago

I pray for more vaseline!

Beelzebubble
Beelzebubble
5 years ago
Reply to  Ivan Yankenoff

*you’re. Filthy self-raper! It’s rotted your spelling ability and replaced it with Satan’s seed!

hi
hi
5 years ago

Why don’t you guys shove your ignorant beliefs up your loose ass

The-Atheist-Masturbator-Clown

“If masturbation residue or a vote for a Democrat is discovered, their vote will be null and void and they will be thrown out into the street like the trash that they are.”

so either you vote exactly how they want or your vote doesn’t count!! hmmmm… that’s the most anti-democracy, anti-american, anti-constitutional thing i’ve ever heard… plus isn’t america dedicated (supposedly) to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness…. trust me when i masturbate there is no doubt i’m in pursuit of happiness!! 😉 Good luck stopping me from voting…

but seriously this is satire, right?

Jason James
Jason James
5 years ago

Shit, I’m jacking it right now, which is making typing this out take longer than usual… Pretty sure Jesus rubbed one out occasionally too.

David Bennett
5 years ago
Reply to  Jason James

Jesus had people for that.

AcidBurnout420
AcidBurnout420
5 years ago
Reply to  David Bennett

Of course he did, he hung out with hookers all the time! But he’d definitely fit in that “fornicators” category 😉

morious
morious
5 years ago

Sounds like someone dodged a coat hanger

attenoke
attenoke
5 years ago

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha *catches breath* Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Robert Cheetham
5 years ago

Brilliant 🙂 Although those who are against you probably don’t have the brain to vote for the correct candidate anyway.

Captain Simian
5 years ago

I only got part way through the article because all this talk about masturbating got me in the mood so I had to go rub one out.

gdhfjads
5 years ago

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, THIS IS TO FUNNY, I CAN´T STOP LAUGHING AT THIS BULLSHIT, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, IT´S KILLING ME, THIS HAS TO BE A JOKE, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

FUCKLonnieChilds
FUCKLonnieChilds
5 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

Lonnie, your one retarded motherfucker…. Hahahaha. Wow what a brainwashed cult-leading douchebag piece of shit!!! Fucking idiot.

A non-believer
A non-believer
4 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

Sure, I’d want to go stay there forever and masturbate

Joe Hemsworth Psy.M
Joe Hemsworth Psy.M
1 month ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

So 15 people believing that a giant mushroom made the earth is a cult. But a larger number of people believing that an all powerful being created the universe 6000 years ago despite all the evidence saying that the earth is hundreds of millions of years old is sane?!

IsUcKyOuRdIcKfOrCrAcK666#JIzzy Mccreamface
IsUcKyOuRdIcKfOrCrAcK666#JIzzy Mccreamface
5 years ago

As a masturbator I can say most of this is true. I rarely get out and have some fun between my job and the sex shop and my self loving hobby, so as you imagine it’s like christmas for me when I get to blow my load all over the screen when I click vote for Obama.

Brian
Brian
5 years ago

God made us right? . So Did The Book Of Lies (The Bible) Tell US Not To masterbauate?????????????

Bruce Bacon
5 years ago

Excellent parody.

Johnny Price
Johnny Price
5 years ago

PLEASE tell me, that this is some type of satire!!! First off… They said this country was founded on Christian morals, by non-masturbating Christian heros. How the hell do they know if Washington, or Franklin choked the chicken. And if it was set on Christian morals, why the separation of Church and State? Second, they implied that Obama only won due to the votes of masterbators. Third, not only did they propose to use black lights on voters before and after voting, and say the votes of those found guilty of playing pocket pool will be thrown out, they flat… Read more »

A non-believer
A non-believer
4 years ago
Reply to  Johnny Price

I’m a republican and a christian and i masturbate all the time. #Fuck Lennie!

Wayne
Wayne
5 years ago

What if my boyfriend mastubates me as I simultaneously masturbate him. Or his dog?

Jack Handy
5 years ago

I don’t know what is funnier, the satire – or the people with no sense of humour who actually have to ASK if this page is serious. Gee whiz. Wow. I think we should disallow those who don’t get the satirical nature of the page from voting.

lisaguge
5 years ago
Reply to  Jack Handy

They probably need to masturbate more.

TheRev Leroy Jenkins
5 years ago

Well, there are a lot of masturbators on here. Thank you for your comments and prayer against. Your info is now captured and being turned over to the DoHS. I’m prayering AT you! God Bless, TheRev

Jackie Boa Boury
5 years ago

Lonnie………………… please tell me you also wrote the comments.

Ellie grey
Ellie grey
5 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

By “Handle them ”
do mean what I think you mean?

Joe Hemsworth Psy.M
Joe Hemsworth Psy.M
1 month ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

But apsolutely hysterical.

meowth
meowth
5 years ago

Fuck all you hoes

Michael Tagg
5 years ago

I don’t know who originated this movement but they are total wankers!

Ed
Ed
5 years ago

… …………

mr. bates
mr. bates
5 years ago

i’m masturbating right now! all this anger turns me ON!!! also, Lonnie you are one sexy sumbitch.

Kenneth Day
5 years ago

Masturbators should not be allowed to vote. I agree with all of the true Christians in this discussion that agree with Dr. Childs’s views on the matter. Praise!!

Lucifers bitch
Lucifers bitch
3 years ago
Reply to  Kenneth Day

You look like a rapist