WEST PALM BEACH, FLA. – If you were born after 1980 you’ve probably never seen this device before, and you likely don’t even know what it was used for. But if you were born in the age of self-control, you’re parents may have made you wear this, and if so, you’re likely thanking them today.
This male anti-masturbation device, known as an “Ouch Pouch,” was once so common you could pick one up at any gas station, just in case that urge hit you while you were pumping gas or cleaning your windshield.
The device is cleverly designed to provide a fool-proof protective steel sheath around the offending member, while simultaneously dealing a punishing jab to the user’s perineum in case a random erection strikes. It was so simple, effective and brilliant at the same time.
Until one dark day in 1980. The porn industry, which was at its height in the free-wheeling 1970s, successfully convinced the powers that be to prohibit the sale or transfer of any such devices.
the sale of “ouch pouches”
with the stroke of a pen
Sadly, these useful devices went the way of the Dodo bird with President Jimmy Carter’s final executive order (Presidential Executive Order #283) which, among other things, banned all devices used to prevent masturbation.
“Ouch Pouch” pictured next
to an ordinary can for size
comparison
DID YOU KNOW? – B.L.U.F.F. has no less than 52 “Ouch Pouches” on the Special Collections floor of its library. Admission is free to B.L.U.F.F. students and faculty and requires a signed pass for registered visitors. 4th Floor, B.L.U.F.F. Library
If president carter banned all devices used to prevent masturbation, doesn’t that make the Anti Masturbation Cross illegal?
Carter was the President of USA only, you know. There are countries where Anti-Masturbation Cross can be used and good fathers appreciate it
How did you post 7 years ago if this was posted in 2020?
You fucking idiots that’s a old ass funnel for oil cans. This page is so full of shit
That’s right, back in 1933 we used to slap oil funnels on our dicks to protect ourselves from turning sinful
Free yourself from your hate, sinner.
Your hate comes from masturbation. Stop it and follow the way of the Lord.
A device like this would very much help you to keep your hands from your sin-stick.
May God bless you friend.
FEAR ME
PLEASE DADDY UWU FUCK MY STAB WOUND WITH THE OUCH POUCH:
Lol
*MOAN* UMNHH HELL YEAH FUCK ME DADDY, SHIT IN MY MOUTH AND PISS UP MY WOMB MMNHHAAHHHH~~~~
OH NO IT IS THE MASTRUBINATOR I AM GONNA MASTRUBATE NOOOOO
it’s a good idea to tell your children that some invisible guy is watching them all the time and scare them with eternal suffering when they do something against his (I mean.. “god” – this guy whose existence is unprovable and is stated in some few thousand years old book) will
You sound sad and full of hate
Please repent and turn to Jesus
FUCK ME HARD WITH THE OUCH POUCH AND SLAP MY ASS WITH A KNIFE
Nah homie you need your sin-shtick to make babies.
Sin-stick my ass I hope you fucking cult member to burn in the darkest pit of hell, what a repulsive and mentally ill of a person you are I hate people like you with all of me. May god never bless you
There is no lord.
This website is satire. Click the link in my name for more information
Brother , look at the name of the university theyre from. Its literally called B.L.U.F.F how do people tale this seriously when its obviously satiracal
even if this ‘ouch pouch’ WAS real, it would be banned for THE MUTILATION OF GENITALIA!
It’s a what? That doesn’t even resemble a funnel. I suppose if you snort the L.S.D.’s or pot all day you start to see things. You were obviously born in the ’80s or ’90s. We had to wear these when we went to school, on field trips and at church. They didn’t call them “Ouch Pouches” for nothing.
You had to wear these tools? Good! Was it compulsory for all boys?
“snort the L.S.D.’s”?
i think you took some before making this comment bro
these mfs are injecting pot and snorting lsd lol
Is this website real. I trying to find a way to report the Anti Masturbation Cross but tbgahis website seem to dumb to be real
Yes, it’s very real!
It is satire. Among other things, it suggests using photoshop to frame innocent people.
*this* sorry key board malfunction
Who came up with this site? I’m enjoying myself while reading all this crap.
the ‘ouch pouch’ is in fact an oil can opener, so hopefully the whole site is a well made joke!
If this device was supposedly never banned as some of you say, how come you can’t find them any more except at the B.L.U.F.F. library? I’ve searched everywhere to find one for my son, including even on the world wide web. They don’t sell them anymore and Jimmy Carter and Big Porn are the reasons why.
possibly because oil is sold in plastic bottles? look if you chose to stick you cock in one of these you deserve to be involved with this cult. BTW where the fuck did you all get the profile pics? Is it from a pedifile site?
If you are going to make your son wear one of these I hope you will really soon end up underground with the man opposite to Jesus
I’d love to have him here.
Sale and transfer was banned by Carter’s Executive Order but you could still own them as a citizen or trust as they were grandfathered in at the time. The ones in the FaithFacts Special Collection are privately owned and have been in the same hands for decades.
*hands lol
Damn those LIEberal Commies for doing away with such an effective anti self-rape device. The world is a worse place for it!
Oh God, I pray to you now, please shut down this website.
nah bruh its too funny
I quit masturbating after my penis doubled in size from the constant external longitudinal forces I’d administered on it. It’s the diameter of a string bean but now I’m a FULL 4″
Mf farts himself awake
I bet the founder of this site is jerking off while reading all our reactions (is jerking off the same as marturbating?)
yes, and lol
Anyone thar stucks you that device on your arse?
This site is a joke. Masturbation is not the cause of all the harm in the world. The cause is from people who want to just harm people, and those who force there religion onto others. I myself am a Christian, but yet I masturbate. Yet I am a good person, who puts others needs above my own. See masturbation is not the blame, bad people are.. Bad people include animal abusers, as well as murderers, child molesters, rapists, and people who go around putting a finger in others faces saying “you are a sinful person, who is goanna burn… Read more »
How did you know? It is, in fact, a joke. Apparently, you still didn’t get it, despite pointing it out.
Yeah I did get it. I was also pointing out why masturbation is not the cause, to what they are implying it to be.
^^^Satirical Blindness affects 10 out of 10 masturbators. #FaithFact
👍
Everyone who is posting, if you look. You automatically get “10 Pray Against” as soon as you post lol. Yep this site is fake, just someone who is bored, and hates masturbation. Probly a person who was put threw that surgery to make it, so they can never feel pleasure in sex, or masturbation, and wants the world to suffer with them.
You are wrong. A pro-masturbation hacker has written a script to generate the fake “pray againsts” We are working to stop it if it has not been fixed already.
-This is an oil can opener…… Used for simple purposes such as opening an oil can and nothing else. This is why it is proper for this device to be next to a can of oil, this is a simple tool. Photo and credit due: https://www.etsy.com/listing/189920823/vintage-oil-can-opener?ref=market -The photos of Jimmy Carter is just a picture of Jimmy Carter working at his desk during 444 day hostage situation in Iran , if he was to be signing an order than he would have the associates of the bill standing around him to moniter. Photo and credit due: http://www.presidentialtimeline.org/#/educators/JEC/hostagecrisis_wq/introduction -EXECUTIVE ORDER NO.… Read more »
Yet more lies. Executive order #283, was signed by Teddy Roosevelt NOT Jimmy Carter, & what’s more, it had NOTHING to do with masturbation. Search the phrase “ouch pouch” online, & all you get, are adverts for inserts for ballet shoes! If you’re going to continue to tell such lies, don’t make them so VERY easy to debunk
Made you look, right?
You’re really bad at this dude.
This is fantastic. BTW EO283 was significantly less fun than this joke implies…
Executive Order 283- Waiving Civil Service Requirements of United States Citizenship for Positions on Isthmus of Panama
i totally remember these,i had to wear one all the way up to 18.my father thought my brother might be gay so he had to have his anally inserted and stitched in just to be sure.
three times a week we would have to be inspected by my uncle who would make sure they were well oiled by rubbing us down with coco butter.
ah those childhood days when we were all innocent,i miss them so much.
Where can I find such a tool? It seems very useful!
Somehow, I think the old message board “True Christians Unite” has returned to the world in a new guise. How nice!
These people are batshit insane
lmfao bro, even if this was legit, you do know there are MANY people who enjoy the idea of sharp jabs to the dick?
This is actually executive order 283
Are you kidding me? That’s a f*cking chastity cage designed to cause pain whenever your kid gets a boner. And you’re trying to tell me that it’s good?
wait, this device is a fucking can opener
Thanks to you I now know how I can stop myself
#FUCK ME WHILE I´M WEARING THE OUCH POUCH SO IT HURTS EXTRA MUCH
#don´t masturbate
#anti-vax
#gayfurry
#nazi
#Hot single mother in your area
#5-G sucks the cum out of your dick
#proud american
#Republican
Wow, so y’all are advocating for chastity devices and genital mutilation? Interesting.
I can’t tell if this website is a joke or not..
What in the hell.
My primary issue with this is the blatant false information That’s easy to do research on, https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_executive_actions_by_Jimmy_Carter
If you look up exec action 283 it has nothing to do with anti-masturbation, I ask that, if this was an executive action, you find it and correct your numbering mistake.
The website is satire. Of course it isn’t accurate
pee pee poo poo balls and cock
About to bust the fattest nut ever rn brb
I want to gives respect to this website and its writers but yall say stupid shit like this like are you fucking serious the goddamn ouch pouch how the fuck do take yourself seriously please Lonald childs I have been critical of you in the past but have this taken the fuck down not for me but if you want your site to have any legititimatly please
Putting that on your dick is self rape and actually making little boys put that on is rape so whatever fucktard made their kids wear those then gth
I saw mommy sucking Santa Claus and FYI that white stuff wasn’t snowwwww then I saw mommy sit on Santa’s cock the was a groan but ain’t no hohoho!
Ah yes the good ole days I remember the night Carter passed that law me and boys went to the house of the one carter support in our neighborhood and we burned that bitch to the ground like a Protestant church or an Englishmen’s car
8 naked cowboys in the showers at Ram Ranch!
Big, hard, throbbing cocks wanting to be sucked!
18 naked cowboys wanting to be fucked!
Cowboys in the showers at Ram Ranch!
On their knees wanting to suck cowboy cocks!
Ram Ranch really rocks!
Hot, hard, buff cowboys, their cocks throbbing hard!
18 more wild cowboys out in the yard!
I think we should outright ban masturbation, furries, anime, videogames and lgbtq. Any violation should be punished with death.
Unfortunately for you, you have a criminal record for child rape, animal rape, drug abuse, homicide, terrorist act in FOREIGN STATE (Canada). We are already approaching your location.