Disciples / Morals / Self-Rape Prevention

Born after 1980? You’ll have no idea what this device is.

il_570xN.603588785_arolWEST PALM BEACH, FLA. – If you were born after 1980 you’ve probably never seen this device before, and you likely don’t even know what it was used for.  But if you were born in the age of self-control, you’re parents may have made you wear this, and if so, you’re likely thanking them today.

This male anti-masturbation device, known as an “Ouch Pouch,” was once so common you could pick one up at any gas station, just in case that urge hit you while you were pumping gas or cleaning your windshield.

The device is cleverly designed to provide a fool-proof protective steel sheath around the offending member, while simultaneously dealing a punishing jab to the user’s perineum in case a random erection strikes. It was so simple, effective and brilliant at the same time.

Until one dark day in 1980. The porn industry, which was at its height in the free-wheeling 1970s, successfully convinced the powers that be to prohibit the sale or transfer of any such devices.

Jimmy_Carter-2
President Carter abolished
the sale of “ouch pouches”
with the stroke of a pen

 

 

Sadly, these useful devices went the way of the Dodo bird with President Jimmy Carter’s final executive order (Presidential Executive Order #283) which, among other things, banned all devices used to prevent masturbation.

Coincidentally, the Executive Order also granted a pardon to pop star icon and pornographic literature mogul Rupert Holmes.
antimasturbationdevicecomparison
“Ouch Pouch” pictured next
to an ordinary can for size
comparison

DID YOU KNOW? – B.L.U.F.F. has no less than 52 “Ouch Pouches” on the Special Collections floor of its library. Admission is free to B.L.U.F.F. students and faculty and requires a signed pass for registered visitors. 4th Floor, B.L.U.F.F. Library

2.6 14 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
guest
29 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
luis
luis
6 years ago

If president carter banned all devices used to prevent masturbation, doesn’t that make the Anti Masturbation Cross illegal?

jessica
jessica
6 years ago

You fucking idiots that’s a old ass funnel for oil cans. This page is so full of shit

Joe
Joe
17 days ago
Reply to  jessica

That’s right, back in 1933 we used to slap oil funnels on our dicks to protect ourselves from turning sinful

Anonymous Mouse
Anonymous Mouse
6 years ago

even if this ‘ouch pouch’ WAS real, it would be banned for THE MUTILATION OF GENITALIA!

gmr
gmr
6 years ago

Is this website real. I trying to find a way to report the Anti Masturbation Cross but tbgahis website seem to dumb to be real

gmr
gmr
6 years ago

*this* sorry key board malfunction

marjan393
6 years ago

Who came up with this site? I’m enjoying myself while reading all this crap.

Roberto Battista
6 years ago

the ‘ouch pouch’ is in fact an oil can opener, so hopefully the whole site is a well made joke!

Pasty
Pasty
6 years ago

If this device was supposedly never banned as some of you say, how come you can’t find them any more except at the B.L.U.F.F. library? I’ve searched everywhere to find one for my son, including even on the world wide web. They don’t sell them anymore and Jimmy Carter and Big Porn are the reasons why.

Lover of the right (hand that is)
Reply to  Pasty

possibly because oil is sold in plastic bottles? look if you chose to stick you cock in one of these you deserve to be involved with this cult. BTW where the fuck did you all get the profile pics? Is it from a pedifile site?

withmyowntears
withmyowntears
6 years ago
Reply to  MG

*hands lol

Truffle
6 years ago

Damn those LIEberal Commies for doing away with such an effective anti self-rape device. The world is a worse place for it!

00ariOn00
6 years ago

Oh God, I pray to you now, please shut down this website.

DaRealPreist
DaRealPreist
6 years ago

I quit masturbating after my penis doubled in size from the constant external longitudinal forces I’d administered on it. It’s the diameter of a string bean but now I’m a FULL 4″

Tania
Tania
6 years ago

I bet the founder of this site is jerking off while reading all our reactions (is jerking off the same as marturbating?)

Jose
6 years ago

Anyone thar stucks you that device on your arse?

AikoNight
AikoNight
6 years ago

This site is a joke. Masturbation is not the cause of all the harm in the world. The cause is from people who want to just harm people, and those who force there religion onto others. I myself am a Christian, but yet I masturbate. Yet I am a good person, who puts others needs above my own. See masturbation is not the blame, bad people are.. Bad people include animal abusers, as well as murderers, child molesters, rapists, and people who go around putting a finger in others faces saying “you are a sinful person, who is goanna burn… Read more »

decently smart
decently smart
6 years ago
Reply to  AikoNight

How did you know? It is, in fact, a joke. Apparently, you still didn’t get it, despite pointing it out.

AikoNight
AikoNight
6 years ago
Reply to  decently smart

Yeah I did get it. I was also pointing out why masturbation is not the cause, to what they are implying it to be.

Truffle
6 years ago
Reply to  AikoNight

^^^Satirical Blindness affects 10 out of 10 masturbators. #FaithFact

AikoNight
AikoNight
6 years ago

Everyone who is posting, if you look. You automatically get “10 Pray Against” as soon as you post lol. Yep this site is fake, just someone who is bored, and hates masturbation. Probly a person who was put threw that surgery to make it, so they can never feel pleasure in sex, or masturbation, and wants the world to suffer with them.

McCourt
McCourt
6 years ago

-This is an oil can opener…… Used for simple purposes such as opening an oil can and nothing else. This is why it is proper for this device to be next to a can of oil, this is a simple tool. Photo and credit due: https://www.etsy.com/listing/189920823/vintage-oil-can-opener?ref=market -The photos of Jimmy Carter is just a picture of Jimmy Carter working at his desk during 444 day hostage situation in Iran , if he was to be signing an order than he would have the associates of the bill standing around him to moniter. Photo and credit due: http://www.presidentialtimeline.org/#/educators/JEC/hostagecrisis_wq/introduction -EXECUTIVE ORDER NO.… Read more »

Vengeance Is Mine
Vengeance Is Mine
1 month ago

Yet more lies. Executive order #283, was signed by Teddy Roosevelt NOT Jimmy Carter, & what’s more, it had NOTHING to do with masturbation. Search the phrase “ouch pouch” online, & all you get, are adverts for inserts for ballet shoes! If you’re going to continue to tell such lies, don’t make them so VERY easy to debunk

coomer
coomer
1 month ago

You’re really bad at this dude.

Mike
Mike
1 month ago

This is fantastic. BTW EO283 was significantly less fun than this joke implies…
Executive Order 283- Waiving Civil Service Requirements of United States Citizenship for Positions on Isthmus of Panama

fistedbyjesus
fistedbyjesus
25 days ago

i totally remember these,i had to wear one all the way up to 18.my father thought my brother might be gay so he had to have his anally inserted and stitched in just to be sure.
three times a week we would have to be inspected by my uncle who would make sure they were well oiled by rubbing us down with coco butter.
ah those childhood days when we were all innocent,i miss them so much.