Marijuana, Ellis Dee and Masturbation: “Free Love” 1960s San Francisco Was Ground Zero For Sin

San Francisco, CA – STOP Masturbation NOW faith scientists, in conjunction with your tax dollars, have spent the last three years attempting to pinpoint exactly when and where masturbation was first invented. We are happy to report that the $645,000 federally-funded project has conclusively determined that masturbation was invented in San Francisco, California, sometime between 1964 and 1969.

The Greatful Dead, a collective of San Francisco’s most useless people

As we all know, God considers self-rape to be the ultimate sin. One of the greatest gifts He bestowed upon humanity is free will, granting us the ability to forge our own paths and make our own decisions. Some of us choose to enter the Kingdom of Heaven by practicing self-celibacy, dedicating our lives to Him, voting Republican, and abstaining from masturbation while others choose to spend eternity in Hell by raping themselves, taking the Lord’s name in vain, and being on welfare.

The conclusions of this study shouldn’t come as any kind of surprise to those of us on the correct side of morality. The Southern California city has been a hotbed of sin ever since the free-love, anything goes, Jesus-denying 1960s that inspired such depravity as The Burning Man Festival, marijuana bongs, interracial marriages, beastiality, draft-dodging, and the bizarre, meandering and ultimately pointless rock-and-roll “music” created by such jam bands as the Phish and the Greatful Dead.

a marijuana dildo bong

Our first hint that the Golden City was the birthplace of self-rape came when a faith archaeologist uncovered what can only be described as a “dildo bong” during an excavation of a Bay-area head shop. It is such an interesting item that I think we can all assume it was used for some sexy antics similar to what you could find on websites like pornv.xxx (click over here). This phallus-shaped hashish-delivery system’s purpose is twofold: to allow the user to get “high” from a marijuana toke and to viciously self-abuse their sin zones in a sexual manner. Upon reflection and prayer, it’s obvious that the unholy marriage of drug abuse and self abuse go hand-in-hand. Who else besides a crazed, drug-addled, antisocial maniac could possibly invent such a depraved sexual act?

Unfortunately, we cannot say for certain the identity of “Sinner Zero”, the hellbound soul who first created masturbation, though we can narrow it down to a handful of shady “counter-culture” individuals who flourished in the City during the years in question.

“Love the one you’re with, especially if it’s yourself.” Dr. Timothy Leery

Our first suspect is Dr. Timothy Leery, pusher of the dangerous street drug, ellis dee, and champion of “Free-Love”. His famous slacker mantra “Turn Yourself On, Tune In To the Devil, Drop Trou” was the rallying cry for millions of unemployed deadbeats. It’s clear that Leery loved the masturbation lifestyle, was it he who unleashed it upon the world? Leery had his head cryogenically frozen before his death in hopes to be revived sometime in the future when his “masturbation utopia” is established. Let’s hope this nightmare scenario never unfolds.

Charles Manson, an underground indie musician with a Jesus-complex who established a small but dedicated cult following, is another person of interest. An unabashed liberal and murderer, “Chuck”, as he was known by his family, encouraged his fans to overthrow the government by establishing “masturbation rebellions” in major American cities. Luckily, his plan failed and Manson now spends his days masturbating in Alcatraz, the floating island-prison known as “The Big House”.

In the end, it doesn’t really matter who created masturbation. What’s important to know is that masturbation is real, it’s a thing that people actually do despite the mountain of scientific and spiritual evidence proving it to be a gateway sin to every other sin that humanity commits. Thankfully, the Lord has sent the Chosen One to this planet to deliver a message. My name is Lonnie Childs and I have been chosen to deliver a message of hope for those who choose to hear it and a warning for those who do not. The people of San Francisco will need to learn how to swim, because the Big One is coming soon. I’m praying for rain. And I’m praying for tidal waves. I want to see the ground give way. I want to watch the City by the Bay slide into the Bay and take all of the masturbators with it. Praise!

God bless some of you!

-Lonnie