After many sit down meetings and hours on private phone conversations, it appears that none other than Pope Francis finally has accepted Lonnie Childs’s plan to eradicate the Earth of masturbation. Speaking to his millions… and millions of fans on Twitter, Pope Francis went on quite a rant about how terrible conditions are on Earth right now.
“Pope Francis just finally had enough,” explains Brother Dylan Stout of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts. “We got a direct call into the University that we routed to Brother Lonnie who was out of the country at the time doing missionary work. Within a half an hour we had received instructions that we had obtained a huge ally in our fight against self-rape to make preparations for his arrival in Safford, Arizona.”
While the specific details of this world-shattering alliance are not completely known, Brother Stout speculated that, “At the very least, anti-masturbation doctrine will begin to filter into the daily prayers that all Catholics partake in. We also expect the Pope to publicly speak out against the dangers of self-rape and all of the personal and worldly problems it creates.”
Many Catholics, at their core, believe with Brother Lonnie’s faith facts about masturbation. The crucial difference here is that while the Catholic church has long condemned self-rape, they have taken a very passive stance towards the problem. Obviously, Pope Francis, in a time of great clarity, came to the realization that masturbation needs to be completely wiped out in order for the Earth to continue to survive.
I, for one, am very excited to see this new militant wing of the Catholic church work in tandem with Brother Lonnie’s ministry. The masturbators of the world stand very little chance now that they are facing both an irresistible force and an unmovable object.
God is good, and Brother Lonnie is even better!
